AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

You have said a couple of times that it was a mistake and you can’t go back in time.

So if you could go back in time?

I’d still make the same decisions regardless

Right so weird to repeat that it was a “mistake” and to say that you “can’t go back in time” indicating that if you could you would do something different. Very odd

"We made a silly mistake"

That's pants - well for your part, can't speak about his.

If I go to a bus stop to get a No 8 bus and get on a No 3 because I don't have my distance glasses with me - that's a "silly mistake".

If go into a supermarket for a can of baked beans and grab a can of baked beans and sausages (I'm a vegetarian) that's a "silly mistake".

Putting a married man's penis inside you isn't a "silly mistake", it's a deliberate act that you arranged because you wanted it to happen. Please don't insult people's intelligence by expecting us to believe such nonsense

You have no idea what you will do in the future. You know what you don't think you'll do, that's all you can say with certainty.

Ordinary people do all sorts of things they swore they would never do, all the time, in all countries, all throughout history. To think yourself above it in any circumstance is extremely arrogant.

They're in the tiny minority.

I know of a couple who started an affair - he had 5 DC and left his wife for the OW and they lasted until her death a few years ago. His ex-wife suffered at the time though, left on her own with 5 DC.

The there's my own father - who I did adore - but he left my mum when I was quite young for an OW. He had 2 more DC with wife no.2 then 22 years later left her for yet another OW. I remember my Aunt saying disparagingly 'to do it once is bad enough, but TWICE!!"

Most affairs either burn out because the bloke won't leave his wife, or burn out because it turns out the grass isn't greener after all.

Anyway OP - your DH is now mid-40s? You may be OK, but you've got the midlife crisis era coming right up... nobody thought my Dad would ever leave my stepmum after so many years...

I would stay make the same decisions I made at 25 I’m not suddenly going to be a better person. Two can coexist I can say I made a mistake but also I would make the same mistake again. It’s led me to where I am now. I like how my life has turned out I wouldn’t change it even if I could.

Okay

OP is not ever going to say or feel what some posters are clearly trying to make her say or feel. It's a pointless exercise. She's being honest; you aren't ever going to like the answers but they aren't going to change.

It’s not a mistake then
and you wouldn’t go back in time

both of which you said. You said a few times it was a mistake. And that you’d go back in time

Much of MN is childishly simplistic about affairs and those who have them. Life is not black and white, people are not good or evil.

One of the happiest couples I know started as an affair. They have been married over 40 years, now in their 80s and absolutely dote on each other. I knew both the first spouses too. The second marriage was a better choice for both of them.

My own marriage has been through an affair and reconciled. I have never had any doubt of my husband's sincerity that it will not happen again. We lived apart while he had therapy and came back as a very much easier to live with version of himself. People can and do change.

I don’t think anyone wants anything from the op. She seems utterly unenthusiastic about this marriage anyway!

No, not at all. The husband and the wife worked together to make sure that the children were not damaged by what was going on with their parents. They are in young adults themselves with good relationships with their parents and step parents. Their parents explained what had happened together and handled every conversation after that together.
I honestly don’t think that the wife felt betrayed as such, disappointed maybe, but betrayal indicates a romantic relationship that was stronger than the friendship/companionship/ co,parenting relationship that they actually had from the start.

I don't understand why she was 'delusional' at 25. She was a fully grown adult making choices; she might not think she was, but she was.

I don't understand why she was 'delusional' at 25. She was a fully grown adult making choices; she might not think she was, but she was.

This!

I think posters want only one type of answer. Any other answer that doesn’t suit their narrative that they’ve built up is apparently wrong. I’ve been transparent. I’ve said I made a mistake apparently saying I made a mistake is wrong. I trust my husband I know he loves me. I don’t think people should forever be judged on their character based on mistakes but that’s just my view. I feel loved and I am happy we have a great life. That’s all. It might have started awfully and I’m not proud of the decisions I made but that doesn’t mean I’m evil and my life will be hell etc.

I just posted on here because of a recent post I saw. All the responses from other women saying how evil the OW is and how she will suffer and how they’ll never be happy. I think that’s not always the case and life is just unfair. Only a few comments have common sense enough to tell the poster the truth. Real life isn’t like Disney. Sometimes shitty people get to have their way.

I am not saying what I did was ever right but I’m saying people change their grow and they learn to have morals. Sometimes you just meet someone and you click… we clicked, he could have just ended his marriage without having an affair and he’s not proud of his decisions but life goes on.

Thirty years ago I was a married woman and started an affair with a single colleague.

We're now grandparents, still very happy, I've never been tempted to another affair so definitely haven't lost him the way I got him.

I guess I was just a shitty person at 25 then. There’s things I did back then that I wouldn’t do now

I don’t think anyone wants anything from the op.

They very clearly do, but rightly or wrongly, they are not going to get it. Simple point of fact.

OP, ignore all the silly judgmental and downright ludicrous comments. People have affairs. It doesn’t define them as bad people. It doesn’t mean ‘karma’ will come for them as it doesn’t exist. It doesn’t mean their children will hate them.

Sometimes these things happen and more often than not, the people involved go on to lead perfectly happy lives.

None of the ones I know of are what I would call successful relationships. The people seem sad and unhappy. I guess karma has a way of catching up with you 🤷‍♀️

love it.....

and before I knew it we were balls deep banging away like rabbits on amphetamine

Exactly. 🐇

My dad, now 92, has been married to my SM since 1976. My parents married in 1955 and hated each others' guts by 1972. My stepmother has brought peace.

Your arrogance is unbelievable EVERYONE else is wrong and you are right. Because you couldn't as an adult not drop your knickers for this wonderful married man you met. Get real OP the guilt, shame must eat away at you no one can be this arrogant. Btw a mistake is “a one off thing” choosing to sleep with a married man, knowing hes married on multiple occasions really just makes you a !!!! Your poor children when they find out but your answer will be “but mummy is not like that now so its ok” and as for daddy well who knows. Stop showing off and boring everyone with your i was just young excuses, i think more people who respect you if you were able to show some remorse, contrition instead of weak excuses