AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

As will you. No one can be 100% sure their spouse won't cheat until after that person is dead.

I made a mistake, their father made a mistake. I don’t think mistakes sum up who are forever but that’s just my view on things.

here we go again though. A mistake? But you clearly don’t think it was a mistake at all. A mistake would be that you got together and then it went down the toilet

You used the word 'eventually' there. Looks like you've answered your own question.

So I wouldn’t start a thread after a mere 15 years together indicating that I thought my marriage would definitely last until one of died

My uncle had an affair and left his wife of 15 years and 4 children. He married the women he was having an affair with l, had two more children with her and they’ve been together for 30 years now. It was all very awkward at the time but everyone has moved on now. (Well they did about 25 years ago).

"I admit I don't know why you want to pretend that you've no idea what people want when they hammer the OP about how evil and shitty she is and how she'll definitely get cheated on and cosmic justice and all the rest of it"

I have never said any of those things at all, so please don't put words in my mouth.

I don't know why you are making such nasty posts It seems you want to vent your spleen in my direction and I can't see why. I can only conclude you have an issue with all this but that isn't my problem.

"But I also don't much care, and it's not my thread." So why the vitriolic reactions? It makes no sense.

Have you never read all the threads about people not being fully adult until at least 25?

I was still at uni until 23. I did a lot of stupid shit in my 20s. I wasn't married, but I bed hopped, drank too much, experimented with illegal substances, had two boyfriends at the same time etc. None of that defines who I am now and how I behave or treat others in my 50s.

At 31, he was comfortable an adult

I know affairs, and other stuff, can happen at any stage, but do you really think 15 years isn't a long term relationship? Most people have been together for less time than that when they get married and presumably most of them expect the marriage to last.

Sure it’s a long term
but to be confident that it’s not “doomed” when you easily have another 50 years until you conk out seems a little… premature

I guess the problem is the guilt about how his wife was feeling, and what she was doing while you were doing what you were doing. She was probably in misery wondering where her DH was while you were having your fun. And how do you ever know what he is doing behind your back, of course if you are the much younger second wife he might not do it again.

Love your first sentence! Quite.

And totally agree with the second sentence. Of course the relationship can work - all sorts of relationships work - but I would have neither trust nor respect for a man like this.

Well, none of us can be absolutely certain at any time. All we can do is go on what we've got and the trust we've built.

Personally I get the impression that OP is about as sure as any of us can be, really. She's acknowledged that he might cheat, as anyone potentially could; actually she seems more open to the possibility that he'll cheat again than that she will. But after 15 years and four kids, I think she's reasonable in feeling that she trusts him and will continue to trust him until there's some reason not to. Neither of them is a serial adulterer and their situation is the one that, from what I've seen, has the best chance of working out; they already knew each other prior to it all and they were individually unhappy in their marriages already.

Freeme31
Your arrogance is unbelievable EVERYONE else is wrong and you are right. Because you couldn't as an adult not drop your knickers for this wonderful married man you met. Get real OP the guilt, shame must eat away at you no one can be this arrogant. Btw a mistake is “a one off thing” choosing to sleep with a married man, knowing hes married on multiple occasions really just makes you a !!!! Your poor children when they find out but your answer will be “but mummy is not like that now so it’s ok” and as for daddy well who knows. Stop showing off and boring everyone with your i was just young excuses, i think more people who respect you if you were able to show some remorse, contrition instead of weak excuses

the op could have been extremely mean back to all the people who are making her the whipping post for everyone who’s ever had an affair. There’s no need for everyone to stick their boot in so much

I saw a lot of second wife relationships at my DD's private school. I was an older mum and was initially surprised to see so many young women with much older husbands, the husbands having a second family. I never asked how it had come about, but I assume many started from affairs, the men were obviously in very good jobs or wealthy. I sometimes wonder where they all are now when the men must now be very elderly.

I personally don’t think our age gap is really that big of an age gap. He’s 46 I am 40 we will be elderly roughly around the same time.

@Morepositivemum "There’s no need for everyone to stick their boot in so much"

I think I recall the OP saying that "she wanted to hear peoples' opinions". So people have given her what she wanted.

Personally I can't see a problem.

To start a thread based on the view that your marriage wasn’t doomed despite the way it started - after 15 years and aged only 40 is… premature 🤷‍♀️

There is so much vitriol why is everyone taking my personal experience to be fact it’s all subjective. I’m not here to say that affairs are a good thing at all. I think people want me to feel guilty it’s been such a long time now. I understand why it’s a tricky topic but damn. No children were involved I think even 25 year old me would have probably made better decisions if he had children. I love my husband I don’t see him a serial cheater, we clicked and go on quite well he decided to leave his then wife to properly get to know me. We shouldn’t have had an affair he should have left his marriage sooner there’s so many things we could have done better. I did not come here to say we were good people back then but I believe people change I’m happy in my marriage I’m not necessarily proud of how things came about but I love him very much and never doubted his love for me we have 4 amazing boys I am glad I met my husband I’m happy with the life we have.

The OP was 25. It is not that hard to follow.
🤦‍♀️

I’ll give it another 20 years then. Maybe it’s doomed to fail I don’t know I’ll cherish the years we’ve had nothing else I can do about it

What do you tell your DC when they ask how you met? Do you tell them that you treated his first wife like a piece of shit, and if you had your time again you would do the same, rather than wait for him to leave his wife

Yeah we’ve told them exactly that

Come again?

Nah, I'm all right, thanks. You can read back for yourself.