AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

I was married to a not so nice man. I ended up having an affair for 7 months with a single man. I eventually left my then husband and moved in with single man. Happily married now for 20 years. He’s the absolute love of my life x

'I don't think that if you do cheat, it automatically makes your ex the victim'

• life isn't black and white, the ex could have done other bad things. But the ex IS unquestionably the victim of the cheating, if nothing else.

Lying, sexual infidelity (potentially exposing someone to an STD) & so on ARE wrong, whether the ex is a nice person or not.

@villadicance "it's like cheating is considered so much and entirely worse that any and all other bad behaviour"

It is for a man, who has to spend the rest of his life wondering if the kids he's brought up are someone else's. That must be devastating.

Probably

How did you not see that he was "not so nice" before you married him ?

Marry the mistress it leaves a vacancy

What, every time? This is absolute nonsense.

I'm not sure I agree with that, although some men. like Rod Stewart, John Derek and Donald Trump seem to bear that out...

Realistically not.
But fingers crossed they never truly trust each other & their families & friends judge them.
Cheaters destroy people both mentally and the unconsentual sexual heath risks are disgusting.

I wonder if you'd be this blasê if he hadn't left his wife so soon, if he'd continued to make excuses and you were still in the same place 15 years down the line, possibly with a secret "affair child" and he was living a double life? Because it does happen that way sometimes. Would your attitude be so carefree had things gone that way?

OP, can I just ask, if one of your DC gets cheated on and comes to you in tears saying “I’m in so much pain, my wife lied to me, she cheated on me and broke my heart” will you placate him by saying “son, sometimes affairs work out for the best, look at me and your Dad!”

Or will you have some empathy for the person who has been cheated on?

You say it worked out for the best, but does your H’s ex wife feel the same way? Do you care?

Will you ever tell your DC that you were the OW, or do you not want them to see you and your husband differently than they probably do now?

The other woman/man never cares! Of course they don’t as long as they are ok. Divorce lawyers do quite well. Children never fare well.

Im not going to tell my children that affairs are good thing but if there was a situation like that I would tell them. I’m not perfect I don’t need my children to think I’m perfect or pure or moral. I made a mistake, their father made a mistake. I don’t think mistakes sum up who are forever but that’s just my view on things.

I do not know her, it has nothing to do with me really. He chose to end his marriage, he said he wasn’t happy in that marriage.

I like being married to him, he makes me happy I’ve never doubted that he doesn’t love me we just click and we clicked back then too. We made a silly mistake life goes on we can’t go back in time.

You don’t have to be perfect, moral or pure to know right from wrong and just be better. It’s just not hard.

It all sounds so lame and passive. “This happened to me before I knew it!”

I wonder if your dcs will hold you in stronger judgment than you do yourself. Could be interesting.

Well he’s a lier and you’re a cheat match made in heaven then. Is that what you'd want for your own children who will judge you both one day? karma will catch up with you both btw you sound very smug that’s never attractive

MY parents relationship started as an affair, their marriage lasted for decades, til mum sadly passed away.

I could have been better but I wasn’t. I can’t go back in time, people make mistakes in their 20s people get over things and move on.

I don’t really care anymore I just don’t think things are as black n white as MN likes to point. Life’s unfair this post was promoted by a post in here where the commenters were trying to make the victim feel better but half the stuff they were saying is just false. Life is just unfair sometimes this idea of how saying the other woman will suffer etc to make them feel better I just found that to be interesting.

Maybe my children will care maybe they won’t I’ll have to wait and see.

True we belong together

I think more often than not relationships born out of affairs usually fail or end up miserable due to the cheater cheating, again. But a lot do end successfully. It really depends on the intricacies of the people themselves and the relationship dynamic.

Someone in an abusive relationship who cheats because they finally feel happy and safe again will likely go onto achieve a successful relationship with the new person as they were invested in that individual.

Someone who is cheating because they have no self-control and are impulsive etc etc will be unlikely to have a successful relationship as it is a personal issue within themselves, not a problem with the relationship.

There are many examples of the two, but you get the idea. If someone cheats due to an issue in the relationship, they will likely be able to form a successful new relationship. If someone cheats due to character flaws, they will likely be unsuccessful in forming a new relationship. Sadly, most cheaters seem to do so due to the latter reason and is why I think they're unlikely to succeed in future relationships.

odd you regard it as a “mistake”?

That indicates regret.

What was your “mistake”?

He had 5 kids and one on the way? That's one of the worst things I've ever heard.

Do you know how many people suicide in these scenarios?

And very salacious how you've added your comment about his poor ex ending up with a sex offender. It's not like she deliberately signed up for that.

Relationships can last when values align.

It's hard to believe going by what I've just written but he's actually a really lovely guy

it is impossible actually

Some things are black and white though, aren’t they?

I don’t regret being with him but sleeping with a married man isn’t moral. I think at that age I didn’t really have any morals I just did whatever I wanted.

I was stupid. I remember her calling him quite upset and even threatened to hurt herself which I thought was quite weird and never really understood why she cared she could have just gone and met someone else but that 25 year olds me. I just couldn’t understand, they didn’t have children she can just start fresh.