AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

How to completely miss the point.

I just cannot believe anybody would make such a suggestion they are children that is just so awful

At the same time as replying in whatever way you see fit, I think you should send your SIL a link to an informative article about why straightening would damage your children’s hair

When this has all died down, irrespective of what your final decision is about attending the wedding, I would also think about your Mum and her desire to keep the peace. In my experience, this usually translates to the person saying it removing themselves from a difficult situation or conversation at the expense of others, who have to suffer the consequences. In other words, her peace comes at a huge cost to you and your children. I speak as someone whose dad wanted to keep the peace by not intervening when my Mum beat me black and blue. It's a rarely a good thing and your Mum needs to step up on your behalf, as does your brother. If he's choosing to pretend it's not an issue, I doubt their marriage will last long. Your SIL sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant person. She'll be asking you to bleach their skin next to appease her ideals of what she find acceptable, or more likely, what her own parents find acceptable. Therein lies racism, pure and simple.

My son has very curly hair and there is no way on this planet I would be straightening it for somebody's wedding. How ridiculous. Tell her to jog on.

I'd love to know how deciding to leave your children's hair alone constitutes "dictating" SIL's wedding, whereas ordering that they have a load of chemicals and heat applied to straighten their hair isn't apparently dictating what happens to their bodies.

It’s actually extremely common for a bride to say how she wants the bridal party - ie bridesmaids / flower girls - to have their hair styled. It’s part of the ‘look’ of the wedding. If they want the hair to be put into an updo, it’s usually straightened first.

But being unintentionally racist is racism and it needs calling out.

i was asked once as a bridesmaid to dye my hair brown (I was blonde) as the other bridesmaids all had dark hair and the bride wanted to be the only blonde one! I refused of course! But I think that is shocking of your SIL to ask that of you!!

Wow. No. Absofuckinglutely not.

Does the sign say "The Bride is a huge racist?"

My nieces are half black, half white and were my bridesmaids. Had I have said to my sister she needed to straighten their hair I’d still be paying for dental work, and I’ve been married 32yrs.

Might ruin the brides day a teeny tiny bit - in what way?

Sorry - I didn't get that it was afro hair ( my bad) totally inappropriate to request straightening

So how would you frame the mixed race children being expected to straighten their Afro hair, and their white cousin not being met with the same demand?

Edited as cross posted with pps follow up post.

No, I’m asking what’s the difference between the two things. You’re suggesting that trying to lighten skin tone is completely different from asking her hair to be straightened.

It’s not. It’s the same thing.

"It's maybe your wedding but they're my children and i'm not straightening their hair for vanity or any other reason"

ummm the bride has said she won't tolerate their being at the wedding with curly hair. What would you like the OP to say to that?

The only lazy people here are those like yourselves who can't be bothered to learn just a little about racism.

Your username…

bride has been asked. Bride has said she won't tolerate the curly hair at her wedding.

Which is exactly what I did 😊