AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

Why would you hesitate to call it racism?

She has asked the mixed heritage children to straighten their hair to disguise or “tone down” evidence that they have non white heritage.

The same request has not been made of a white child with curly hair. There is no other plausible explanation.

It’s such an outrageous request . OP you sound like a lovely mum. Yadnbu

You obviously don't know what you're talking about.

Could this be this problem, that they do have amazing hair and she's going full bridezilla and wanting to be centre of attention on the day/photos and stressing that two beautiful curly heads could steal 'her' attention?

Still being an unreasonable knobess though.

Can’t believe I’m reading this! Absolutely outrageous! Do not straighten their hair! Either go as planned and smile sweetly or call her out on the blatant racism!

Your second sentence may be true but I'm afraid your first is very much not. The racist connotations are blinding.

It is racist to demand someone straightens Afro hair, to suggest Afro hair is something to be tolerated, and to imply that Afro hair is less smart or tidy than other textures of hair.

Completely different for someone of their own volition to choose to straighten their hair.

Adults, as their own choice, not because someone tells them to.

Presumably they do it because they themselves want to, not because someone else finds their hair unacceptable.

There is nothing ‘generous about pandering to racism, whether conscious or unconscious, or in teaching your children that their natural hair is wrong for a family wedding.

Your new S-I-L sounds awful. Shocking and ignorant.

I wonder, in her ignorance does she think straightening their hair would be quite a quick and easy job (like it is for most white people using straighteners). I promise you, I'm not defending her AT ALL, as she is out-of-order to ask, and sounds like she has a horrible tone to boot. I do think that whatever your response is, it would be worth pointing out to her that straightening that type of hair involves a long damaging chemical process. As she is probably ignorant of that.

But actually that's by-the-by, as she's rude and she should also be told that it is racist to imply their natural hair is inadequate!

Shocking request on your future SIL's part.

But that's not my opinion. I don't think that.

I made it very clear that the OPs SIL is coming across as being a bit racist.

We don't know all the facts but from the post even giving her the benefit of the doubt it comes across as a bit racist - likely unintentionally. Which is due to ignorance.

I love that now I'm called dim and racist which is so ironic and entertaining if you knew me...

But it is the same thing, their hair and category of curl is part of their heritage as is their skin colour

So why do you think it is okay to ask to straighten their hair, especially when the white niece hasn’t been asked to?

Yes when they choose to do so- that’s very different. Plus they are a lot older, do it properly and don’t ruin the hair/ end up with it looking absolutely shit.

Can you honestly not see that the OP’s kids being asked this, but not their white cousin, is a problem? Do you think this request would be being asked if the OP’s kids had blonde ringlets?

Yes. Plus it's not "just hair" , it's part of an identity.

Why would she even ask this? I would simply refuse.

If they do, it's a choice they make. My kids are too young to decide if they want to straighten their hair.

Oh are you speaking on behalf of racists? I'm sure they're grateful.

The point being made to you has gone right over your head.

It's not ok to ask anyone to change the way they look in any way in order to conform to a racists's request. It doesn't matter if hair, skin, anything at all. There's no levels of offensiveness to this, ie hair ok and skin not, just stop offending completely.

wow your brother has chosen a humdinger! Does he always demonstrate such poor judgement?