AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

Naaaaah. Your SIL is batshit crazy. How far away do they live? I would be handling this one calmly, in person and not over text.

this is NOT ok.

So what did you reply OP?

And how deep rooted it is, despite people crying "but I am not racist".

I thought for that type of hair, a chemical straightener, which the children are too young for.

Frankly I'm surprised the request didn't include some skin bleaching too, it's so ridiculous!

A bride doesn't have the right to dictate that children should deny their heritage for a few wedding photos.
As OP said another (white) flower girl also has curly hair and she hasn't been asked to straighten it. The difference here is that OP's children are not white and the Bride wants them to look more white. It isn't just hair it's who OP's children are. And they shouldn't be made to change just for a Bridezilla.

Agree with this, it’s unbelievably rude, and also weird ! I and my dd are white but both have really curly hair, it would look bizarre straightened and would form curls again as the day went on.
It’s a terrible message to give to children that somehow the natural texture of their hair is unacceptable. She sounds a really horrible person, who would ever consider asking someone something like this ? As strange as asking all the straight haired people to curl their hair for the day !

Racists and bridezillas are notoriously rational.

Why do you do whatever you do with yours?

What non-racist explanation do you suggest there would be for making this demand of black children with very curly hair but not white children with curly hair?

I’d try other ways of getting the SIL to see that what she’s asking is wrong first, just because telling her she’s racist is so difficult to come back from, unless OP is sure that she is (in which case would the children have been asked to be flower girls etc in the first place?). Plus surely the aim is for the SIL to realise that what she’s asked is completely inappropriate and for everyone to be at the wedding. And the SIL will be part of the family.

Don’t get me wrong I think she may well be racist, but I think there are sometimes better ways to make people realise that they are wrong.

My usernames a joke because of this post. I usually browse mumsnet without an account

She may not be being intentionally racist (no doubt she would deny it), but as evidenced by almost all the posts on this thread, that is how it comes across. That's the elephant in the room and I don't think it can be ignored.

Only you know if your SIL is a full blown racist or she has bridzilla goggles on and can’t see how offensive her suggestion is.

What is has asked is unacceptable but why she has asked changes how I would respond.

If I think this is actually her, she has an undercurrent of racism which has just surfaced- that I would be telling her to foxtrot oscar and live with the consequences. You don’t need her any where near your awesome kids.

If she is completely in a bride bubble and has completely lost the plot / not thought about what she is actually saying then getting someone one step removed to gently point out should be enough. Any decent person would be mortified. Your sister might be in the right position to give her the nudge she needs.

Your sister might be a good person if they get on ok. Then you could go by how she responds, though a lot of people respond by lashing out if confronted with their own mistake. But if that happens you have tried the softly softly approach and it is on her.

You're the lazy one if you think someone demanding mixed race children conform to white beauty standards isn't racism.

Do some reading.

I'm also always amazed at how some people twist themselves in knots to avoid making a fuss whenever they witness racism (or homophobia, or misogyny). They abandon the principles they profess pretty damn quickly and its this quietly permissive attitude that allows such discrimination to spread.

Are your nieces curls more 'controlled'/smaller hair overall?

This was your question. This is absolutely implying Afro hair is ‘wild’ and unmanageable and a racist supposition.

When my child was younger I was putting on sunscreen. I got asked by a family member why as child Won’t burn and if anything he will just look a little more mixed. This person also commented on how olive my child’s skin was getting as they were getting older.

do you think this is racist or is this just something we should accept our kids be exposed to.

sorry op for putting this on your thread I just hate when ignorant people don’t understand the hurt that just “some comments” can make.

"racists are no longer taking the accusation seriously"

🤔

really cannot fathom out what this is supposed to mean, @OrianaK

I imagine because they fancy a change, or they like themselves with straight hair for a bit. Same reason I might choose a fringe or highlights. But they do not choose to do it at age 4 and 8 because a white lady has told them to do it because their hair will ruin her wedding photos, whereas their (white) cousin’s is fine.

How? Anyone can label a paper bag racist doesn't mean it is

Adults choose to straighten, curl, perm, dye, shave, cut or not cut their hair for all sorts of reasons. None of them are relevant to this thread.

She can sod off and your mum is in the wrong for not supporting you and grandchildren.
Mandating hairstyles is crazy behaviour.

There is sense and truth in this.

That's why you have to confirm what is actually going on before going in all guns blazing. You presume that's what's happening, so it becomes fact and before you know it you've lost the high ground.

Involve sister, speak to brother. Wait.

WTF! No way. This is disgusting.

(Mum of mixed ethnicity child)