AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

SIL's use of "won't tolerate" is interesting. She's basically saying she won't tolerate people with the characteristics of black people, which could hardly be more racist if it tried.

I suppose the most charitable interpretation of her viewpoint is that, in her head, all the attendants will have a similar hairstyle and that won't be possible with very curly hair. However, it doesn't really exonerate her because in deciding on that hairstyle she should have factored in the children actually involved. It's not as if it's that difficult, she could have talked it through with a hairdresser. One of DSis's bridesmaids was black, she simply organised a hairdresser for herself and all the bridesmaids who had experience with working with white and black types of hair and let them sort out the best hairstyle between them. It looked great on the day.

If it’s ’just hair’ then why does it matter if it’s curly?

Just say ok then turn up on the day with the children with their natural hair.
Might ruin the brides day a teeny tiny bit but she won't kick off because she knows how she will look.

I wouldn’t be straightening the hair.

I’d hesitate to call racism, so would send the same message to all your family framing it in terms of children’s’ self esteem and confidence rather than anything else. I’d give your brother and sister in law a potential olive branch if possible. But would be making it clear that there will be no straightening. And that if this is a non-negotiable you will regretfully not be able to attend. Downplay it to your kids and book a fun day out instead.

Why oh why do so many people (women) turn into lunatics about weddings? All
this needless tat, aesthetics and theming is such a waste of time and money. Honestly I think society is going backwards at the moment. Plus bet your kids look absolutely gorgeous.

sorry how am I racist?

What's she actually going to do when she says she won't tolerate it? Throw you and two kids out of the wedding venue?

I'd speak to your brother.

It's racist AF.

I absolutely agree
tell her no and explain the damage and say this is not only racist but dangerous especially for a 4 year old to be near straightening irons!!
talk about bridezilla
I think I’d just say I’m not going!!!!

Plus what hairstyle can’t she have with Afro hair? Age just doesn’t want it to look ‘black’

If this is real it's shocking. Does your brother know he is marrying a racist Bridezilla?
Honestly I think I would refuse to go your future sister in law's behaviour is despicable

Perfect 👍

A few things:

So if they have straight hair people won't notice the colour of their skin?

If you did straighten 4A and 4B hair with a normal straightener it would look awful, it's not easy to do.

How many guests will be getting GHD curls for the wedding? Will that also not be tolerated?

Tell her you are happy to accessorise DD hair to match the dress but won't be straightening to match her white cousins.

There is no way on earth I would be dictated to by a racist like that.

Sorry if I haven't got this right but are they not racist connections to Afro hair being expected to be straightened . Obviously I realise it's a choice nowadays

As an aside I didn't realise there were categories of curl. My son had ringlets so it was interesting to see

Straightening afro hair is very different from straightening mildly curly or wavy european hair. It is much more heat intense, on hair that is much more prone to damage. no way i would do that.
Not to mention the racist undertone - what’s next, a light coloured foundation?

If she doesn’t understand the implications of demanding that natural Afro hair be straightened to suit her aesthetic she’s been living under a rock. And she’s not asked the same of the white curly niece, which makes the racism even more apparent.

To say curly hair won’t be tolerated is a nonsense, what is she going to do when the children appear with their beautiful curly hair.

What a racist bitch she is!!! My kids are mixed race too there’s no way on earth id torelate that crap from anyone

I missed the "won't tolerate"- the first sentence was bad enough! Simply go back and say you won't tolerate racism against your children and that you'll return the dresses.

This is really shocking, including your mum's reaction. As a granny myself I find that really quite upsetting.

I'd give SIL one chance to put this right. Point out the racist implications of her "request" and the inequality of her not making the same request of your sister. Give her a chance to back down gracefully (though I know it's a bit late for that) - if not, I'd probably be withdrawing from the wedding altogether. Though I appreciate that may be difficult and kids may be looking forward to it and carrying out their roles.

The conflation of ‘smart’ with not having black hair is exactly typical of the bollocks black people been contending with for years.

It sounds like you were excited for the wedding and happy to welcome her to the family, so why is she suddenly being so weird? Why would you burn bridges & send dramatic messages about tolerance over kids hair??

I don't think it's unreasonable to say something like 'could all the bridesmaids wear their hair up' or 'can they all wear the same sparkly clip'; but it's weird & hugely OTT to try & dictate the texture of a kids hair!

One of my bridesmaids was in pink wellies. She wouldn't wear the pretty satin shoes 😂

But why is one ok and not the other?

Even if she backs down how can you go and enjoy yourself

what’s your brother said on all this

But surely that’s not the main reason why OP shouldn’t straighten her children's hair…

Wow. Your SIL is a racist.

Send your brother articles about the discrimination black people face around their hair and tell him she needs to get a grip.

No chance would I be willing to straighten my child's hair to fit someone else's idea of acceptable/attractive.

The ONLY reason I would even consider putting it up if they don't normally is if their hair is long and likely to get into things or cause problems (my daughter had waist length hair that was a pain. I'd try and put it up as much as she'd let me) but if that was the case, you'd probably already planned it.