AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

The thing is the things people are pointing out as reasons that this is false are things I see all the time.

i have family members who would do anything to keep the peace. thus can mean that it causes more ripples and lashing effects.
dp has a sibling you literally can never get hold of. He keeps his phone on do not disturb and can take days to reply.

this may not be true but nothing she has said sounds completely out there.

JFC what an insulting post! OP has said that her kids' natural hair looks amazing and in no way scruffy.

As OP's brother wanted all his nieces and nephews included in the wedding, OP's future SIL couldn't leave them out but her racism is very clear in her messages to OP about their hair.

It's not "a bit" racist, it's just racist, period.

And it doesn't matter a jot if the racism is intentional or not, its impact is the same. In some ways, "unintentional" racism is worse, because it's so ingrained that the racist doesn't even realise they're being racist.

It's like those people who start a sentence with "I'm not racist but...." and then go on to come out with something appallingly racist.

I love curly hair! I never understood this straight-hair thing, but everyone is different. However, dictating whether someone curls/straightens their hair is out of order. Suggesting hair-dos is broadly ok, as in up/down/flowers in it etc but nothing else.

Bridezilla is racist as hell... Screenshot and send it to your brother and wider family. Yikes!

Is DB ok? There’s still time for him to not marry a racist.

I know it would be really hard to do but if possible, give her a way out.

Yes, what she has said is racist, but people can learn and change. Which she won’t do if she gets her back up.

So any text you send shouldn’t mention racism. In her head she is not racist so her request isn’t racist. If she gets defensive she will double down.

It shouldn’t be on you to gently educate her, and if she wan’t family then I wouldn’t bother. But she could be in yours and your children’s lives a long time and if you think she is generally a decent person then it could be worth it.

Is that because your niece is white, perhaps?

I'd reconsider even going to the wedding honestly.

Your SIL is a racist cunt quite frankly

Nah. There is no way SIL does not know she's being racist.

The person OP should be giving a way out is her brother - by not marrying a racist in the first place.

Well fair.

Giving the benefit of the doubt OP clearly knows this is racist and unacceptable and I'm surprised that she hasn't reached out to her brother yet irrespective of if he likes to be called or not.

As I said in one of my other posts this is beyond insisting that her kids will attend with their natural hair but actually calling her out for her racist demand and pulling out of the wedding. And if I was her sister I would be so mad I would be calling out SIL not playing pretend smiley texts.

Let's see what happens, when she comes back with an update.

So it is as you thought. She is racist.

I hope the whole extended family is aware. I would.not be going to the wedding - and let everyone know. You and your family do not need to be around that level of bigotry.

It is racist. She is racist and your mum isn’t much better wanting to keep the peace. This is how racists get away with it.
What does your brother think about it? Does he know she’s said this?

I am not surprised your husband is livid. No one should be made to feel “less than” in any way shape or form and that is exactly what your soon to be SIL is doing to you and your family.

I would be telling people my family wouldn’t be attending and I’d be telling them why.
Quite honestly if I were your brother, I’d be calling the wedding off. There is no excuse for her comments.

Like another poster said, let’s hope his second wife isn’t as awful.

Oh op now’s the time to message her my dd will do half up and down and ds will stay as he is I don’t like the idea of straitened hair too much damage and I hope you accept this because I’m not going to change my mind.

Of course she knows she's being fucking racist. As much as racists are thick as shit, they still know they're being racist. Why on earth should the OP give her a way out

Tell her you won’t be doing it, she is racist!

Apparently OP's niece who has curly hair - but is white - is allowed a normal hair do and not required to straighten her hair.

This is 100% racism.

If she had just asked you to straighten your daughter's hair I might have thought she was just being a bridezilla and she wanted all girls/women in the bridal party to have the same hair style on the day and perhaps curly hair wasn't working with that. I've been to a couple of weddings where the bride and all bridesmaids had matching up dos.

However the fact she wants your son's straight as well shows this is actually racist and she doesn't want their natural hair on show.

And I've just seen your niece is allowed her hair curly despite being involved in the wedding just reinforces that further.

My son is white but has very curly hair and I'd be so upset if someone told me to straighten his hair as it's part of who he is so I can't imagine how you are feeling when it's not the curls that are the problem but the fact they are black hair curls

If this is real then I wouldn’t be attending the wedding. Will you still go OP?

I’m black and I find this highly offensive and racist.

If I were you I’d be tempted to buy straight hair wigs in blonde for the kids to wear and you wear and Afro wig and see how she likes that.

To me we're past the point of insisting that her kids will come with whatever hair they want etc. @OldrNWisr said it best with her message below she needs to call her out and pull out immediately. Infact I would go as far as add the easiest connotation to make it even clearer in the message.

"My children are not dolls for you to dress up as you see fit.

“She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.”

Then we won’t be attending. Have a wonderful day."

Ah so now you know. Your future SIL really is racist. That's really shitty for you and your family. I'm so sorry.

Do you know what you are going to do?

Seriously 🤦🏻‍♀️ ffs

Thanks for your analysis of me @JTK50. Whilst I don't disagree with everything you say, in my opinion most hair, regards of race needs some level of grooming to keep it healthy, be that shampoo, conditioner, oils or just a comb! My hair would break if I didn't moisturise it! Obviously people can do as they please. As I said, I wouldn't straighten my children's hair in this instance and think the request is unreasonable.

I agree ever so much.

/I am white and have straight hair./