AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

She said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

She won’t tolerate their hair not being straight?? WTF.

She cannot dictate that. After this message, I would not go to this bridezilla’s wedding telling her I won’t tolerate this way of speaking to me.

Perfect response !

Really you don't see anything wrong with the bride demanding that curly hair of the mixed children be straightened for her wedding???

That's a criteria to attend her wedding and you don't see the issue?

Just say no, I won’t be straightening their hair. End of.

If she has to put some distance, why she expose her kids hair to such high heat to please someone she wants to distance from?

What’s the logic?

Op, also make sure to ask her if she expects your kids to lighten their skin too?

You have to talk to your brother. Take the racist lady out of the conversation. If you attend the wedding it's for your brother not her.

Take them to the wedding, also curl your own hair with as much volume as possible. Best case scenario, she says nothing and you get to piss her off,. Worst case, she kicks off and reveals herself publicly for the racist entitled bitch that she is

I mean, it’s quite obviously racist but at the same time, I would avoid spending the next week arguing about it.

I think I’d just say “sure, no problem, I’ll give it a go”.

Then rock up to the wedding with natural hair in all its glory. I mean, is she really willing to cause a big racist drama in front of all her guests on her wedding day?

I’d then give this sister-in-law a very wide birth following the wedding. She has made it clear she is racist and no one needs a racist in their lives, particularly when raising mixed race children.

I’d have responded telling her she’s a racist piece of shit and that you and the children are no longer attending the wedding and will never be seeing her again.

Ignore this poster. Some mumsnetters are constitutionally opposed to recognizing racism even when it calls up and self identifies.

You have internalized racism but you can't see it, many Black people with internalized racism also think Afro hair in it's natural form is not neat and they view it as wild and "not styled well". It's why majority of Black women need to constantly hide their natural hair under a braid or gel down the edges to not show the Afro texture, chemically straighten it or wear straight wigs and weaves. I am a Black African woman and my observation is that white mums of mixed race kids simply leave the hair just be, they don't see it as not neat like you do, your lense is shaped by generational message that tells you Afro in it's natural form is unkept whilst white mums have not received that message, they love the Afro without any manipulation. It's why we usually see mixed race ppl often wear their natural hair compared to Black ppl who hide it under straight wigs or manipulate it with chemicals even though they both have the same Afro textured hair -type 4 or 3.

I would just say that you can’t actually just straighten their hair at home with your ordinary hairstraighteners. I mean, you could, but it would still be puffy and you wouldn’t be able to get the roots properly. It would probably just puff up and go curly again throughout the day with the humidity.

you’d need to take them to the hairdressers for a silk press if you did actually want it straight and to last throughout the day

just to get the bitch off your back… then smile and nod and hope the marriage doesn’t last long

if you want to go nuclear you could say that the request is racist and you won’t be doing it for that reason but it would on your level of apptetite for inter-family conflict on the eve of a wedding

Sorry you are in this position OP. You say you were excited about welcoming her into the family, now she's shown herself to be horrible and racist.
Your mum is their grandmother, she should stick up for them too. I'm glad your sister gets it.

There are many relevant articles about the history and social and political significance, such as this
https://blamuk.org/2022/09/15/the-history-of-black-hair/
Maybe send her one and say "we are looking forward to welcoming you into the family, and as you will be the aunt of (DCs names) and SIL to DH you might be interested in this..."
But better phrased than I managed.

Or just send her an article or YouTube video with no comment.

Well you have your answer....

"Hi racist SIL, I’m so confused. Just spoke to DSis... why is [niece’s name] allowed to wear her curly hair half-up, half-down, but my daughter and son are expected to straighten their hair so everyone looks the same? What’s the difference?"

Separately you need to call your brother and talk to him and tell him about all this bullshit

@JTK50 hard agree with your post!!!

Wow your sil is an arsehole. I would not discuss it with her again, deal with brother only.

For your mum let her know you will keep the peace by not going non contact over this but your children will not have hair straightened and it is up to brother if that means they are excluded from wedding party or wedding. (If he does choose not to have you at wedding then it would be the end of the relationship for me. Hopefully that is unlikely).

Oh no, @dramaisalifestyle, please don't be influenced by @OldrNWisr, you and your DCs should still attend with their unstraightened hair. What on Earth can the bride actually do on her Wedding Day if she doesn't want to tolerate it? Scream at them? Call the police and tell them that they have to lock you and your two gorgeous children up for the rest of the day? Sorry, but I am really intrigued about what the bride thinks she could do about it on her Wedding Day? If she did scream, or shout at you, and your children, hopefully at least half of the other guests would walk out of the wedding with you.

I am a very forgiving person, and I would always try to understand why an overwrought and stressed bride might get a bit unreasonable close to their Wedding Day, but asking for children's hair to be straigtened, or anything else of that nature, is just being ridiculous, nasty, and unfortunately, it does sound as if she is racist as well! Please don't let her getaway with such atrocious behaviour - it wouldn't be good for her future relationships and friendships, if she does. If she threatens to go either low, or no contact with you, would you really be missing out on that much.....?

I was going to say maybe it’s just a look she wants but insisting your son’s hair is straightened too….seems like she thinks afro textured hair is not “seemly”. I would refuse and say if it’s an issue I will remove my children from the wedding party and make sure people know why.

Its her who is beyond rude.

I would be tempted not to go to the wedding. Children may be upset but I guess its also a lesson for them that other people cant dictate what they do with their hair.

Does something like this happen sure that doesn't mean this is 100% true. I've seen so many made up stories on reddit mumsnet etc and people did and keep making it up, why? I have no idea.

And I'm black btw so yes there are racist ignorant people, that doesn't mean every racist story on forums are true. there are people who for some reason make things up for drama.

The bride is being a complete bridezilla, @dramaisalifestyle. The guests at a wedding are there to witness the ceremony and celebrate with the happy couple - they are not there as decorations for the photos.

You are clearly knowledgeable about your children’s hair, and care about keeping it in good condition, and the bride should respect this, especially given your children’s ages.

Seeing your latest update, I would be going straight to my brother and mum and asking if this blatant racism is going to be tolerated against their own grandchildren and niece and nephew? She is absolutely disgusting