AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

She’s an absolute monster. I think this is racism with a big pinch of jealousy too. She doesn’t want your children getting attention for their beautiful hair. I’m so sorry OP. And it must hurt about your Mum’s response too. Glad your sister has your back. What unfortunate timing that the bride and groom will lose so many important guests right before the ceremony! I hope word gets around about what she’s done. Just shocking.
Please tell us that you do something lovely with your beautiful children on that day. I hope they get asked by someone else to be FG & PB - I’m sure Mumsnet could arrange it!

But if she did that her husband to be would have realised she was a racist witch. Right now her shameful actions are being covered up, her husband may not even know anything about the conversation she’s having with his sister! Which is why OP needs to call her brother asap.

Then he needs to tell his GF to stop being so fucking racist.

This must be the worst bit of bridezilla behaviour I've ever heard of.

Simple message back ……

I do not straighten my children’s hair.

Wait to see if you’re uninvited. I suspect not.

Best for OP to attend the wedding so she’s not spun into being the unreasonable one and so that if SIL
melts down on her wedding day there will be witnesses. Op make sure your sister and mum are with you at all times when the kids are getting ready.

Could you imagine her racist little face if you brought the children to the wedding dressed in outfits that reflect their father's heritage!

Seriously though, this is awful. What a rotten cow!

Fecking hell, this is upsetting to read.

She needs to be made to squirm really.

As an aside, I wasn't aware of the categorisations of different curl patterns and have had a pleasant few minutes googling and looking at some beautiful hair. It's so awful that she's implying your children are not attractive enough. That, it seems to me, is definitely racism. the reaction to your sister seals it.

It would be unreasonable even if your kids were white, but this...

So, that latest update removes every last remote shadow of doubt. This is racism. I would be very much inclined to go nuclear.

Avoid passive aggressive skulduggery. No doubt hilarious on MN but just ramps up unnecessary drama in RL.

Deal with it like a grown up - directly and calmly.

If your DSis is involved it should only be to hold your line if your DBro and SIL get on to her about it.

You ought to see what she's posted on another thread today...

I do know of someone who made their naturally curly haired bridesmaid straighten their hair for the wedding day. These people think the world revolves around them and their wedding. 🙄

@thepariscrimefiles said upthread that SIL wants to make OP's children look white.

It's probably worse than that - she doesn't think of herself as racist because she adores the kids' [coffee, milk chocolate, insert other food item] skin tone. She just doesn't want them to look, you know, too ethnic.

Wow this is completely unreasonable of her.

I’m white with curly hair and wouldn’t straighten it for a wedding.

Fair enough if the bride has an idea of styles she’d like for the bridesmaids eg up/down/plaits etc but she absolutely cannot dictate destroying hair’s natural texture, even temporarily.

I don't think you should play games here or send rude messages but you do need to have a very frank, honest conversation with both your brother and your SIL to tell her that her attitude is racist and that you and your husband are very upset by this.

I think this should be done face to face.

Then you tell her that on no account will you be straightening your children's natural hair & if that isn't acceptable to her then you won't be able to go the wedding.

You also need to sit down with your mum and explain why her attitude of "keeping the peace" is also not acceptable.

It's obvious from this thread how some people just can't see how offensive this behaviour is and this woman needs it spelling out to her because she either does know & it's deliberate, which is the worst case scenario, or she is ignorant and needs it explaining to her very clearly.

Either way, you cannot let this one go.

The OP's Mum is hardly trustworthy on the matter!!

Thing is, someone can only be “made” to do something if they give in and agree. Just refuse to be a bridesmaid if the requests are unreasonable.

Jesus, your SIL is being a bride zilla!

I would hit the fucking roof if told to make my kids a bit whiter.

And anyone who thinks this is not whats happening can fuck right off, because racism is 100% at the root of this.

Start a group chat with her and your brother, copy in her messages, and the message your sister got about her white daughter's very curly hair, and tell her you won't be whitening your kids for her.

NEVER "keep the peace" with racists by changing yourself to be a bit less black. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck off and fuck that.

If a bride(zilla) wants a particular look for her wedding party, she should hire actors or models who have the look she wants, not tell guests how they should be wearing their hair or anything else on the day.

Oh wow.. you have to invite a racist into your family, my condolences

I wouldnt straighten your childrens hair either. I also cant imagine poker straight would look nice on your children than their curls.

Sorry OP. Id only go with my childrems hair, clean, tidy and in its natural state. Or id stay home, your children shouldnt have to face this

I think this is a great message.
Lets her squirm and have to find her reasoning but keeps it “polite” enough for your DB’s sake so he can see that OP is not being difficult and his soon to be (or hopefully this’ll make him have a change of heart) wife is just being a racist bitch.

Wow. This is shocking. Your mother enabling it is also worth a serious conversation.

Can you go round and have a chat with SIL and your brother together? Better than texting and a good way to get the antiseptic of daylight on her ‘views’ and a quick resolution.

I will say as a mum of a mixed race kid I can 100% believe this is real unfortunately.

Agree, the amount of "astonishment" is interesting.