AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

Also op, your mum going along with SIL to ‘keep the peace’ would have me fuming, that’s so disappointing.

I'm shocked that the bride is making this demand. As you say, it's really unhealthy for the hair and the children are too young to be put through the process.

It’s nice to see most posters understand the racism inherent in the request but I’m really shocked by the numbers talking about ‘wild’ or ‘untidy’ hair when they simply mean natural curls. And as for the comments abput brushing…my DD (now 30) is white and her hair is ( I now know from googling) 2C/3A. Brushing has always been a total no. Curly hair of any type, but especially Afro hair, needs very specific care. And it isn’t inherently ‘untidy’.

The latest update makes your SIL sound disgusting. I wouldn’t be straightening their hair and would expect an apology. If they can’t have natural hair they wouldn’t be in the bridal party (not sure if this would just upset the kids though) or I wouldn’t be attending the wedding.

Send this exact message. It makes SIL have to explain her actions (racism) and leaves you the moral high ground of not attacking immediately.

So ask her has she or will be requesting anyone who has curly hair to do so ( such as your sisters daughter and any adults)
it will be interesting to hear what her response is.

Your future SIL is a racist. I'd pull the children out of the wedding and reconsider my own attendance.

She’s a racist. When you call her out on it she will say it is a misunderstanding when it clearly isn’t. I would advocate for my kids and call out her behaviour. Would keep her at arms length and make it crystal clear to your mum too that it is racist.

Your sister hasn't helped! It's a shame she didn't say "I hear from drama that you don't want curls - not much we can do about that 🤣"

Ahh missed opportunity I think your sister should have said “is my DD expected to have straight hair?!”

You need to text your brother and ask for a meet up just you two and call out this racism. Hopefully he will also be angry on your behalf

I would be tempted to be obtuse and send her a message (with screenshot of message re niece's hair) saying glad to see you've changed your mind about natural curls, that's great, because straightening my kids' hair was never going to happen! So that's great! Do you want daughter's hair half up with a flower clip like niece?

If she pushes back on straightening ask her to explain exactly what the problem is. She'll either back down or have to spell out her racism. If it's the latter then you and your husband can decide what to do with that information.

I agree with pp that she deserves the nuclear option now but you've indicated your kids might be upset to miss the wedding ... The above might give her the option to back down saving face to make it look like her decision. Though you'll still know that she's a nasty racist bitch underneath.

She is a racist bitch. I'd be letting the rest of the family know and would not attend this wedding.

I'm astonished at the fucking cheek of the woman!

If she doesn't want curly-haired kids as bridesmaids etc, she shouldn't have asked them to be bridesmaids, ffs, or, at the very least, made it plain at the outset that they would have to have their hair straightened.

I'm vicariously angry on your children's behalf OP. And I very much hope that this request isn't connected in any way to do with your DCs being mixed race.

Why not, after the communication with sister, now just text the bride ...

Sister has confirmed with me exactly how her kids are styling their hair and that you approve.
My kids will be having their hair the same, with their natural curls.
Thanks for supplying the hair clips; we'll collect them from MIL. All very exciting!

Behave politely.
I hope your family stays close over the years. That will be best for your kids.

Oh please please please tell us your dear sister dropped the mic and then said something along the lines of "great, my daughter is desperate to twin with her cousin so not my circus daughter and her are going to have the same hair style. I will pick up the clips for them both. It will be so cute to see the girls all dressed up with their matching curly hair. I would kill to have their hair, wouldn't you?". Alas future sister in law is inherently racist and her mask has just slipped. As with another poster, I hope 2nd wife is nicer Big hugs x

Has she shown her racism before.

So you've had it confirmed that your SIL-to-be is racist - please tell me you're going to be talking to your brother about this? Ugh, sorry you're having to deal with this!

No I wouldn’t be doing it. I hate having my straight hair curly, it looks bloody awful on me, so if someone demanded I did this it would be a firm no. If your SIL is trying to ‘whitewash’ (as others have put it) your children then that is disgraceful and I’d be pulling her up on it, and absolutely refuse to straighten my children’s hair. It’s not acceptable and she should be called out for it - you are your children’s advocate.

Absolutely perfect message.

How unbelievably rude. Who dictates their guests appearance? Has she asked anyone to lose weight on this occasion too? I have curly hair which I do like to straighten but I'd be furious should someone demand it of me let alone my boys.

Absofuckinglutely no way I’d be straightening my kids hair at all, and especially not when this is blatant racism.

Sorry, but I’d be walking my kids away from that cesspit of humanity and never looking back.

Id go fucking ballistic

I wouldn’t be super excited to welcome her to the family!!!

What an absolute cow ……

and I wouldn’t go to the wedding.

Get your sister to say sounds great! Is there a clip for my niece too? (Your daughters name OP)

Make sure the SIL knows your sister is on to her. After she replies I’d call your brother direct and say you can’t straighten your children’s hair as it will damage it and niece is allowed her curls to be curly, what hair do do they actually want as you suggest xyz and straightening can’t happen.

The response message she sent you was extraordinarily aggressive, is she normally like this?

I would say, stop any 'sideways' or passive aggressive ways of dealing with this.

Talk plainly to your brother, explain about the hair damage (he might not know) and how it is actually racist to be demanding that you change a hair characteristic that is a direct result of their racial heritage and does his partner realise this? And that you do not want to escalate the drama but you are not willing to damage their hair or give them any kind of signal that their natural hair is unacceptable (beyond being nicely presented)

Does your brother know she sent you such a rude message?

And at some stage your Mum needs to cop on about this stuff. She has mixed race grandchildren, FFS.