AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

With your DSis blessing, i would screenshot your sister's message and the bride's response and forward the screenshot to the bride with something like:

"...So it's just the black curls that you won't 'tolerate'? Wow! Shame on you and your racist request. I will be speaking to my DBro and deciding if we will still attend the wedding - if we do, it will be for him - but beyond that you have made your worldview super clear and I won't 'tolerate' racism towards my DC. We have seen who you are and won't be engaging with you in the future, so rest assured your future is white and straight"

I mean - you might not want to go that far but i am fucking raging on your behalf and I genuinely WOULD go that far.

I think that message suggestion is far too polite!

'Dear SIL to be, at what point do curls stop being 'lovely' and become 'intolerable'?'

I absolutely think OP should go this far. Her future SIL is vile

In light of this message I'd be sending her something along the lines of the following -

"I've spoken to my sister who said you have no problem with niece wearing her hair with her natural curls. That makes it pretty obvious that your issue with my children's hair because is their texture. We won't be whitewashing our kids or attending the wedding of someone so racist so please feel free to collect the dresses and they are no longer needed."

She’s being racist and I would definitely use that word.

I would go that far too. You can’t really skirt around the issue now OP. You have written evidence blonde curls are ok and brown/black curls are not. There’s no arguing whether this is racist an you have to defend your children here and call her out on this

Why not copy and paste the message dsis sent sil changing the names obviously..see what response YOU get

It’s not necessarily about something as explicit as that. It’s about insidious racist assumptions and beliefs that Caucasian hair is neater/more appropriate and Black hair is less so and therefore less acceptable. Going to deeper prejudices, it’s about what’s perceived to be civilised versus what’s perceived not to be.

There have been well-documented cases of workplace discrimination over policies requiring ‘neat’ and ‘professional’ hair with non-white employees being told that their natural hair (e.g. an Afro) doesn’t fit with this. Those workplaces have generally had to back down, I believe, but the attitude persists.

Yanbu your sil to be is blatantly racist

She is not the children’s auntie, she’s just a person that the brother has made a poor decision to marry

This. I can understand hair needs to be styled and presentable for photos but straight is not the only way.

Send you SIL a text using exactly the same wording as your sister!

See what she comes back with.

Thanks @PermanentTemporaryand the others who rated my post

Yep. Neat and messy have already been used on this thread
I see a lot about meghan markles daughter and people saying her hair needs a good brush, how messy it is etc… she’s got wavy/curly hair, it would look horrendous if dry brushed

I think the request (demand?!) is outrageous - it makes me feel ill just thinking about it. I can’t imagine anyone even coming up with this idea (I’m white with mixed heritage and white children in my extended family and it would never have occurred to me .) Don’t accept this - the kids will be lovely as they are. Let them enjoy the day as themselves.

She ‘won’t tolerate’ them not having their hair straight?! What am I reading?! Pure insanity!

Right seen your update.

if this was me I would be sending screenshots of both messages (the one sail sent you and the one she sent your sister) to your mum and brother and actually say are you both ok with your niece/nephews and grandchildren being subjected to blatant racism and is this actually who you want to be around? I would actually have a very difficult time with my family being ok with someone having these sort of beliefs and thinking they can be so openly racist to child family members.

I would not be speaking to sil for awhile if at all.

So it’s just your children’s curls she has a problem with because they are mixed race and your niece who is allowed to have her curls on display is white?!
Blatant racism and I would be screen shotting your sisters message, sending it to your SIL and telling her as she seems to have a problem with how your children look, you’ll be sending back the outfits and declining to take part, and doing something extra fun for them elsewhere on the day……
This has to be one of the most horrible things I’ve read on here, do not straighten your children’s hair, ignore your Mother and advocate for your children
A genuine family loves all of its members, my SIL and brother were getting married, I explained I wouldn’t be able to get one child into a suit due to sensory clothing issues (Autism Diagnosis)
I was told by the bride that she didn’t care if he turned up in joggers and a t-shirt she just wanted him there and comfortable.
In the end he wore a collarless grandad shirt and jeggers and looked fairly smart but obviously nowhere near as smart as his brothers who were in waistcoats, ties etc
I have curly hair, there is no way I’d straighten it on request!

If you don't go to the wedding though, it will upset the kids. Make sure you make it clear, that it is not because of them, it is because of the attitude of her (and others if they stand by this shit). Make everyone accountable!

Hi SIL and DB

Please can you explain to me and DH why it’s acceptable for DN's naturally curly hair to be on show at your wedding, but you "won’t tolerate" DD's naturally curly hair and would prefer DS's to be straightened too?

I would hate to think that racism could be the cause, so I’m sure there must be another reason. I look forward to hearing what it is.

I couldn’t let this go, I would be texting asking why her other blonde niece can wear her hair curly for the wedding and not your dc! We can see who your SIL is now after your update. Please make her squirm!

@dramaisalifestyle I'm outraged on your behalf, this seems such a racist attitude.

However, if you decide not to attend the wedding how upset will your dc, especially your dd, be? My dd at that age would have been devastated.

I think you need to talk to your db and come to a compromise as you mentioned before, to give them a hairstyle that doesn't involve straightening their hair.

And after the wedding I think you need a serious talk with your dsil about racism and be clear it won't be tolerated. She may just be ignorant which is no excuse but may mean she's open to education.

I think it would be illegal for a professional hairdresser to use the straightening chemicals on such young children……quite apart from the whole racism aspect!

Absolutely no way! As a mother of 5 mixed raced children i would be asking why?
I understand your children are apart of the wedding but from this i wouldnt be attending.
My children have different types of curl types for 2c to 4b and often have there hairs in braides and beads.
Anyway obviously the new SIL dose not understand how this will effect your childrens hair and how using a normal strightner isnt the way forward and would leave it a complete fizz bomb within the first hour!