AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

I'm genuinely shocked.

I agree with the suggested response upthread about white-washing, she really does need to be called out on her racist rejection of their natural looks.

Also I'd be massively tempted to send a vague "I'll see what I can do with their hair" and then make sure they have the biggest, bounciest, shiniest Afro on the day.

Fuck her.

I'd do a practice run of the hairstyles you have in mind and send her pics with a message:

"I won't be straightening the kids hair due to heat damage - this is what I had in mind, hope that works."

If after that she still insists their hair needs straightening someone needs to have a strong word with her.

This is one of the most depressing and batshit bridezilla requests I have ever read. The idea of 'not tolerating' a particular hairstyle is just batshit. These are young kids, not supermodels or even adult bridesmaids. And of course 2 kids with a particular hairstyle is going to ruin the wedding????!!!!
They are similar ages to my adorable, mixed race niece and nephew who also have beautiful curly hair. If anyone made a similar request and threat on their behalf that would be the last time I ever spoke to them.
I would talk to your brother, explain politely why you won't be straightening their hair and leave him to deal with his fiance.

Nonsense that hair is usually straightened before an updo, if anything, hair is usually curled for an updo.

You wait until he finds out soon to be SiL has told the photographer to make sure the guy with the Locs is at the end of each group photo and to airbrush him out…..

Come on OP do you even need to ask? My DS is mixed heritage and there is no way on God's green earth I would consider straightening his hair - at a white family member's request, no less!

I would focus on the kids and the message you are sending to them. Tell them they should never feel they have to change their cultural identity and make sure you know that you are standing up for them. They need to know that your sil is in the wrong and that you are standing with them. They might not fully understand it right now, but later they will look back and feel proud that you took the stand for them, that it is important and that you can't bow down to rascists. What a shame for your kids that their auntie is treating them like this.

As per my previous posts I misread the post and had not realised their hair was afro - of course that's an unreasonable request

You have a complete bridezilla on your hands, and a mum/brother with no backbone.

My son has curly hair, as do I, there is no way anyone is telling either of us how to have our hair straightened for an event.

Okay! Slight update: I asked my sister to text our SIL. My sister said "Hey SIL, I'm just sorting out last minutes things for the wedding next week. The boys are getting a haircut soon, (nephews name) wanted a buzz cut but we said no 😂. For (nieces name), we are thinking about a half up half down hairstyle, to make sure everybody can see her lovely curls. Let me know what you think!"

SIL replied "That sounds great! I have a hair clip (Nieces name) can put in her hair to match the dress. Your mum has the hair clips at her house. See you soon"

So yeah. That was the conversation. My niece has blonde curly hair. 2C hair I think. Maybe 2B.

Agreed. Why one earth does it matter whether the kids have curly or straight hair. Even if they were white it would be irrelevant to the day.

Honestly some brides really need to have a word with themselves.

Utterly vile behaviour from her and sh absolutely needs to be called out on her despicable racism. I would go nuclear and be happy to burn bridges over this.

Call out her racism. She thinks she can get away with this. You actually can’t let her. It’s not fair on your kids or your husband. I also think it’s a good idea for your sister to ask about your nieces’s curly hair. Then both go nuclear at her and your brother for allowing this behaviour.

Wow. I wouldn't have my kids around her. Take them for a lovely day out instead

Ah I see the update - there you have it. Obvious racism. Call it out - don’t let this happen.

And I would also avoid the wedding and tell everyone why.

What An entitled bitch.

Stick to your position and reconsider whether you want this person in your children’s lives.

@CrypticClueless Flat ironing does cause damage to the hair strand,

Literally what I said.

so it could take 4 years for the children to grow back undamaged hair from the undamaged follicle.

Hair grows 6 inches per year. The only situation in which it would take 4 years to cut off damage would be if you damaged hair strands at the very base, and you have your hair more than 24 inches long.

After your latest update OP, I would screenshot that, send it to bride with a 'wtf, have a nice life you deeply unpleasant woman' then do something really nice with your kids on the day as a distraction and then have nothing more to do with her. It would be hill I died on. She's certainly not worth headspace in life.

Yes I’d skip this wedding and wait for the next one.

Speak to your brother about it if it can’t be resolved take the kids to a theme park or something for the day instead I’m sure they would have more fun. They’re children for god sake. It’s sad that you would miss the wedding but if she won’t tolerate it that’s her choice it’s not rude to say no to that she’s using the suggestion that your being rude to force you to comply with her request.
Don’t do it they should never be forced to change there appearance to fit someone else’s opinion of what they should be.
my kids are white with feral curls I absolutely wouldn’t do it either for any reason they are beautiful as they are.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Your future current sister in law is showing who you she is

What should she say sorry? And it’s not cheeky it’s fucking racism!

I would not attend the wedding of a racist person. You have a black husband and mixed race children, these situations will unfortunately come up at times and this will not be the only time you will need to defend your children and your family. I hope you make the right decision.

Ask her if white people with naturally curly hair will be "tolerated". Or, indeed, white people with straight hair who have curled / waved it.

YANBU to refuse to straighten their hair. But I'm not sure why their "understanding" has any bearing on how unhealthy it is for their hair.
I'd set up a group WhatsApp with her and your brother, and just say that you're very sorry if she feels that your children's hair will detract from their big day, but that you're sure people will still manage to work out that she's the bride, despite your child's curls.