AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

@dramaisalifestyle Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause.

Straightening hair using a flat iron does not cause any permanent damage to hair.

Hair growth starts in the follicles, with the strand of hair being pushed out from the follicle. If you damage a strand of hair, that damage simply gets cut off the next time you have a haircut. No damage occurs to the hair follicle, which is where hair growth happens.

Could you just not turn up and when someone asks where you are forward the text that says your SIL will not tolerate your children being there with non straightened hair so obviously you couldn’t go.

Tell her to f right off. Your children are not accessories to her wedding. They are human beings. Wtf is wrong with people? 🤦🏻‍♀️

I agree with all of @cloudtreecarpet’s post, particularly this: "I would be absolutely incensed by the way in which she is making this outrageous request, saying she "won't tolerate" your children's natural curly hair."

I don’t know what to suggest you do, though, @dramaisalifestyle. If your future SIL continues to be adamant and racist insisting that you straighten your children’s hair, I would suggest you first of all go to your brother and see what he thinks. If he agrees with your mother, then I would just say, “Sorry, much as we would love to be at the wedding, sadly we can’t agree to attend under these racist conditions.” And then they’ll spend their whole wedding day fending off questions from guests wondering why your part of the family isn’t there.

I would most definitely be checking if the other niece has been told she has to have straight hair. If she hasn’t then you can be very clear that she’s just racist and at that point I’d be warning my brother that she is a racist so he could consider if he really wants to marry her. I’d also be asking my mum if she is really suggesting that I try and white wash her grandchildren for the benefit of a racist.

I don't think the OP should blame the kids - I think it's important the bride gets told the reason why OP won't be straightening the hair. And whether the bride is told gently or forcefully is up to the OP.

Hopefully, tell her to go fuck herself and turn up to the wedding with both children and their curly locks flowing? As a fellow mixed raced parent this is what I would’ve done anyway!

I don’t think this is the point.
it really doesn’t matter if the hair gets damaged or not. No one has the right to request that two very young children with Afro hair get their hair straightened. It’s inappropriate at best, and well, at worst… it’s already been insinuated on this thread many times!

Your sil is outrageous and this is so bloody racist. Hopefully she exposes herself when your sister messages to ask if her daughters hair needs straightened too. I think you should talk to your brother and have him sort it out. Racist cow.

So he's marrying into racism, nice.

Just say no sorry but you won't be doing that. Its cheeky of her to ask.

When I straightened my hair with a flat iron the curl never went back to how it was and I have to grow it out which takes years. It looks daft growing out as there’s two curl patterns. My hair was over twice as long straightened which was a shock. It also meant the hair was very brittle.

My response would be: ‘Are you asking all your guests with curly hair to straighten it, or is this ultimatum reserved for the non-white ones only?’

I wouldn’t do this, it gives the racist bridezilla an out because she’ll just tell your sister yes she should straighten niece’s hair too.

I would text your brother and say you will not be straightening your children's hair and if any issues with that he needs to call you.

How dare she. She's an ignorant racist. I'd stick to your guns. No way she should be dictating that you straighten your kids hair. There's no way this should be accepted as an appropriate request just because she's the bride and it's her wedding.

Some people are crazy with weddings. Have people forgotten what they’re all about? I wouldn’t have dreamt of telling anyone what to do with their hair on my wedding day. I mean, it was ten years ago and I could tell you now what anyone’s hair looked like, it’s not important at all. Stick to your guns, your children are perfect as they are. I hope they never hear about this so they don’t see their hair as a ‘flaw’ when it’s actually a strength

I’d be getting a perm. Tip her right over the fucking edge.

I would reply "has your account been hacked? Did you actually send this response? Because it isn't like you to go full racist bridezilla, as obviously the kids' hair is a feature of their racial heritage? "

Or, more likely, you have to talk with your brother about this.

Get the drama damped down as much as possible before there is a full scale lasting family feud.

I wouldn't do it to comply with a racist request to look 'better' in someone's photos. I would rather not go.

"Cut her some slack"??
She's being openly racist here, can you not see that?

Honestly, have a word with yourself!

Yes fair enough.

This.

This is a great question to ask to put her on the spot and hold a mirror up to her racism. Is there a family group chat you could put it in so everyone sees it? She deserves to be called out in front of everyone.

Flat ironing does cause damage to the hair strand, so it could take 4 years for the children to grow back undamaged hair from the undamaged follicle.

Think they are there, already!