AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

This can't be real. Racist rage bait.

Racist as fuck.

Read this earlier today and then saw this painting at the national portrait gallery. Stay strong @dramaisalifestyle - you do not need to pander to such idiocy.

OP, your brother's wife is definitely coming across as racist, particularly as she hasn't requested your (white) niece's hair to also be straightened.
Of course you shouldn't be asked to straighten your children's hair.
And your mum, however well-meaning, shouldn't be asking you to "go along with it, just this once"
Neither should your brother be avoiding the issue.
Tbh, I'd be seriously concerned that your obnoxious, racist, future SIL would attempt to exclude your children from taking part/being sidelined in the photos when you...quite rightly...refuse to straighten their hair.
And that would be so damaging for their self esteem and self worth.
No children should have to go through that.

You aren’t trying to “dictate her wedding” 🤣🤣 what a twat she is.

id just text back that your children have curly hair that is actually in keeping with their bi racial heritage.

If she has a problem with that then it’s best she make the decision they aren’t part of the wedding party rather than trying to change who they are to fit some kind of idea she has in her head.

What an ignorant twat she is. And I hope she realises it rather than making your kids change their body for a wedding photo.

Grrrrrr this has made me so cross.

of course you are not being unreasonable to decline to straighten your kids hair.
What does your brother think ?

I voted YANBU before i googled the curl types, as i had no idea what they look like. Jesus your SIL is a racist bitch, I can't imagine the effort it would take to straighten their hair. Surely it would need something chemical? Its one thing smoothing out light waves or curls (at parents discretion) but this is attempting to wipe out their identity. Im gobsmacked.

This is a race issue OP. If you straighten your children’s hair you are telling them that people can be racist towards them with your blessing.

What do you mean?

If your children are bridesmaids then I’d cut her some slack because it isn’t unusual to dictate what the wear and at a stretch how their hair is done. But if they aren’t then no she doesn’t get a say.

What on the sign she wants your son to carry - 'Welcome to Gilead'?!

A normal bride would offer to have hair styled to the persons liking. They dont "dictate" the actual style. That would be really strange

Are we racist now Father?

In that case she would have sent some suggested fancier styles for afro hair.

I'd be tempted to reassure her that your kids won't pimp walk down the aisle.

But on a more serious note, I think the only way you can get past this (if you want to, maybe just for the wedding which your kids are excited about) is with a patronisingly simple culture 101 explanation of why this is racist is important.

'black people have been under social pressure for centuries to 'fix' themselves to fit white ideas of what's beautiful or good. So for the last 70 years or so, it's been an important part of raising kids of colour to help them take pride in their natural beauty - to celebrate, not denigrate it by doing anything that suggests that white physical characteristics are more prized. I'm teaching the kids to love themselves. There's still plenty of pressure on them to diminish themselves, and I take that responsibility very seriously, so I won't risk this, sorry.

It would stick in the throat of lots of people including me, but it might be a workaround for now.

My bridesmaids at my wedding all had different hairstyles, including my friend's mixed-race daughter who asked to have her hair straightened (she was 8). By the reception it had returned almost fully to her beautiful, natural curls. I was just happy to have my loved-ones there, couldn't care less about hair.

Your SIL is being so unreasonable imo. Even straightened, your daughter's hair will look different because it is! She is going to look back on these demands one day and realise what an arse she's being.

She ought to have mentioned her requirements to you when she first asked your children to participate in the way that they are currently expecting to. Then you could have told her 'no I'm not prepared for my children to participate if those are the requirements'.
But she didn't, she waited until she thought she had you cornered.
She's going to be trouble, I'd want to be dealing with her here and now in a way that ensures she won't try and dominate me again.

Nope. Bridesmaid themes are a thing, but a hairdresser would just come along and make them look as lovely as can be with their hair.

If the bride thinks that means the little girl should have her hair straight in order to look lovely, then that's incorrect.

Hello no.
I wouldn't straighten their hair. I'd turn up as planned, with their natural hair. She'd look bonkers if she tried anything in front of everyone.
Either that or I wouldn't go. I don't normally like the term but she is definitely a 'bridezilla'. If tell all of her 'flying monkeys' to back off too!

This is outrageous. Please do not do it, in fact if I were you I would refuse to attend on the grounds of her racist attitude towards your children. Sod keeping the peace.

I hope its fake.

Absolutely spot on, if this is something Bridezilla is willing to write what does she actually say.
Vile woman.

This is appalling. I wouldn’t be going to the wedding. I’d be calling your brother out on his future wife’s behaviour.

You could sort of speak as if you might do what you what she wants, but don't actually do it. With a bit of luck she will never speak to you again 😁

Your SIL is a cunt, and your Brother is a wet lettuce. I would contact with them both.

did you not RTFT? Bride has already said that she will not tolerate the OP's children turning up without straightened hair

Omg
I'm shocked
That's like asking someone with ginger hair to dye it or something.
That's part of who they are ..I bet their is beautiful
What a nasty family they are