AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

I’ve never heard anything like it! Why on earth would a bride be concerned about the hair of the children at her wedding???? If they were being bridesmaids and page boys and had to have everything done a certain way then she should have told you this from the get go. But it sounds like they’re not and are just going with you so I don’t see why she would care about the hair at all. I think the woman’s clearly gone mad. However you and your children are already part of the family that she is about to join so I think the family as a collective need to inform her how rude she is being and that she cannot tell other people how to style their children’s hair.

I have a picture in my head of a beautiful little flower girl and the cutest little boy, both with glorious bouncy curls and beaming smiles as they enjoy the day. I don't understand how that can not suit anyone's aesthetic?
That's such a pretty picture I'm actually wondering now if she's worried they're going to steal her thunder 🤔.......

With reference to your specific issue, I would wait until you get an answer about whether your nieces hair is also required to be straightened, and make your decision from there.

Crikey I"ve just seen a pp has actually admitted they'd want it "toned down"

Wow. Do people actually think like this let alone put it in writing?

How on earth does your children’s hairstyle impact her wedding? This is beyond bonkers - or is it racist? How horrible. Stick to your guns!!

OP, what are you going to do?

It doesn’t matter if your niece has been asked to straighten her hair—your children’s hair is different to hers and she’s not your child.

You have expressed that you are not happy with straightening your very young children’s hair—that is completely sensible and reasonable. Everything else is noise.

TELL her you’re not straightening their hair as it’s unhealthy and unsafe to do so. The ball is in her court—you would need to be strong enough to accept her response. Does it mean your children are excluded from their role and become guests? Presumably your brother is not going to uninvite you from his wedding?

She sounds like a Bridezilla—it’s a wedding, that should be a joyous occasion to celebrate your love with those you love and who love you.

It is incredibly racially insensitive of her, as a white person, to ask that your nonwhite children straighten their hair. You don’t need proof of that. Insensitivity can be conscious or unconscious but ultimately your care and sensitivity to your children is what matters most—to not have them change themselves to fit someone else’s fantasy of what they think is beautiful or acceptable.

Still shocking to read some of the ignorant "just do it to keep the peace" and "some hair can be wild" comments and there are more than there should be.

There should be none.

I have ‘good hair’ (the black people on this thread will know what I mean) and I remember my best friend as a child had Afro hair. She came to my party with a hairstyle that looked like a star and I loved it and told her and she thought I was taking the piss. I absolutely wasn’t - I thought it was lovely but even from that age (8 or 9 in the mid 80s) she knew her hair wasn’t looked on as pretty or desirable.

I should be surprised these attitudes still exist but I’m not.

I’m sorry you sister in law is such a cow. she must be pulled up on her racist behaviour. I think by the sounds of it your brother may be unaware of what she is saying and doing so in your shoes I would definitely speak to him and tell him how you feel. If he agrees with her then I would torch their wedding plan and line of us would go. Sod keeping the peace. These are your children and nobody gets to imply that their natural appearance is not acceptable to them. She can go to hell.

I actually genuinely don't get it. With complete earnest I absolutely love any curly hair and also red hair. I wholeheartedly do not see it as less beautiful, quite the opposite

This is an interesting series about black hair and cultural significance on Netflix

Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madam C.J. Walker

YANBU obviously. I am sorry your brother is marrying a racist.

I think id make an effort to have my own hair as curly as possible too.
Best idea is to get your sister to contact her saying she's just heard that her daughter can't have her natural curls at the wedding, and can she confirm that

Id get the best comedy wigs for the kids. Maybe a queen Elizabeth one for your daughter

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable. I mean, this is so insane as the question if this is even a real situation, sorry if it is but it’s just so left field. Things that occur to me, this can’t be her only bridezilla behaviour there must have been other red flags before this, also this is just the beginning, you’ll need to deal with her for as long as their marriage lasts and going forward this incident will always be a bone of contention between the two of you

Yes, it's unhealthy, in the sense that racism is unhealthy.

JFC I can't believe in this day and age that your SIL didn't immediately see that and apologise.

I don't know how you tackle it though - there's not really any way to sugarcoat 'you're a racist'.

Perhaps a little more education around the cultural significance of Afro type hair… there is too much for me to go into on a post on mumsnet, and it really should be your responsibility to understand this issue properly. People of colour have for many years engaged in damaging “relaxing” processes, or worn wigs in efforts to make their hair more ‘acceptable,’ and of course the definition of acceptability is rooted in western standards of beauty. As a grown woman with naturally curly hair I still recall the “jokes” made by family and friends at my expense. It led to a lifetime of feeling less professional, less attractive, less ‘put together, (generally less than). For children with black heritage, this is even more deeply woven into their identity. Make no mistake, your future SIL is expressing racism towards your children, directly to you. Please protect them from this.

She is a racist bridezilla. It puts you in a very uncomfortable position. It is also potentially very upsetting and confusing for your children. Sorry you are having to deal with this. As a previous poster said, you can only hope your DB's second wife is nicer.

Yes this absolutely. Please do this op and report back, am here for the exposure of your racist sil!

My family kind of fetishised my hair and it drove me mad but I get it now - they knew I’d not get the grief they did for theirs.

All over fucking hair.

I would take her insistence to mean that her perception is that your kids look scruffy the way you do their hair and it never looks like it’s been properly done. I wouldn’t say that it’s down to them being mixed race - if it was, she could have quietly insisted many months ago about not wanting flower girls etc. When cared for and styled properly, curly hair looks amazing.

I think @EineReiseDurchDieZeit has given the best responses. Ice cold clarity is what you need.

I’m sorry you have experienced this ruining of what was going to be a happy family event. Fuck her.

I couldn’t tell you how my nieces and nephews had their hair on my wedding day tbh, I was too busy worrying about my hair. Your SIL is being a weirdo.

I'm so shocked by this. So SIL is basically demanding that you conceal a natural feature of your children's ethnicity. That cannot be other than racist.

That's before you even get to thinking about the possible harm to their hair (and scalp?) of heat or chemical treatment. If they fancy experimenting when they're old enough to decide that's different, but not to be forced as young children through a process to please a racist bride!

Fair enough if bride requests a particular hair style (worn up or worn loose) so there is a fairly uniform theme but changing the natural state of the hair itself - no!!!

FFS they are little kids - what an utter bitch the bride is. I really hope your DH wipes the floor with her.