AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

Why do you assume that their natural unplaited hair is untidy @SanFairyAnnie

Outrageous.
If she asked you to shave their heads and you refused, would that also be “trying to dictate her wedding” ?

Yes I am also horrified by the “maybe it looks crazy and you’ve just not realised”, “maybe it doesn’t fit the aesthetic”, “tone it down” or “maybe it’s not being kept very well” parade too. Why would that be your first assumption? And why wouldn’t it apply to everyone in the wedding party, and not just the OP’s kids?

Totally agree @Growingaseed

Right? Curly hair is amazing! I used to have curly hair but it has just been weighed down over the yesrs due to me not taking care of my hair properly. So my curly hair is very damaged and looks more wavy now. My niece has a similar hair texture to what my hair used to be like, but my sister is making sure my nieces hair doesn't get damaged.

Someone called natural Afro hair ‘wild’. It’s shocking in this day and age, it shows how far we still have to go.

Absolutely fucking no way that would be happening.

I would make a WhatsApp group with her, and your DB in it, and write

Re the request to make the kids hair straight, just confirming again that it's not going to be straight. If that's an issue, and you'd rather we weren't there due to this, just let me know and I'll get the outfits back to you this evening so you can make alternative arrangements.

Thanks.

Please don't call afro textured hair wild just because it's loose/not braided, t's not appropriate. (you may or may not be aware that black people have in the past been told wearing their hair naturally is unprofessional, messy, wild etc)

Agreed. This thread would be a great example to show anyone who denies that there is a massive issue with inherent racism rife and alive in this country.

Some reading for anyone that can't see the issue, Don't touch my hair by Emma Dabiri a good place to start.

Tell her you are not prepared to straighten their hair, "she may not be 'aware' that besides anything else it can be damaging". However, send her some images of the styles you did have in mind!

So inappropriate. Indeed so much so, that I’d give the whole wedding a swerve now that you know future SIL is disgraceful racist and brother is fine with that.

She is trying to whitewash your kids, stand firm for them. They may be disappointed in the short term, but when they are older and you honestly explain why you don’t see SIL/brother, they will thank for it.

I think not making unreasonable demands of the family you are joining is more important than the aeshetic.

Kids don't have updoes, especially boys. I think telling anyone to straighten their hair is unreasonable, the bride needs to get over herself.

Can you really not see how racist & totally out of order the rude bride's request is?

Your own post is questionable too tbh...

I never used the word untidy. It was just a suggestion and up to the OP whether she agrees/disagrees.

Thank god you are a pretty lone voice with this interpretation of OP's SIL's request for OP's children to straighten their hair.

OP's sister's daughter has hair that is just as curly as OP's children's hair, but there has been no such request for her to straighten her hair. Do you just think that it is a coincidence that OP's sister's daughter is white and that her curls are acceptable in a way that OP's children's aren't?

I think that you are probably an apologist for racism but you don't have enough self-awareness to see it.

What do you mean by looked after?

Wow OP that is appalling! How dare she threaten you and try to control your children's appearance? How fucking rude!

I think I'd just tell her to fuck off, honestly. If it was my brother, I'd let him know we weren't going to be at his wedding, and the reason why. She's absolutely unreasonable/unhinged and your brother should maybe think twice about marrying her at all.

For my sons hair, he can't really have it in any other style apart from having his natural hair out. We could put his hair in a man bun too

As a mixed race woman this is absolutely a hill I would die on. Protect your children (and it sounds as if you will). Oh, and edited to say that my mum would have absolutely had us out of their if SIL couldn't behave herself.

Schools have to be careful if they have a hair policy that they don’t discriminate when it comes to Afro hair, so saying it looks wild or too big could get them in trouble. Same should apply to outside school too

I wouldn’t at all, unless he particularly wants to. This is your chance to show your children how to advocate for themselves and their natural beauty. Plus, if you let SIL take an inch now this will never go away. She won’t stop being racist overnight, if you change your kids hair it cements her viewpoint that she had to ‘neaten’ (whiten) things up. I wouldn’t do anything.

Please do this - I love a man bun. My youngest had a man bun when he was little but hated it after a while so we stopped.

I meant just because I like man buns btw - not for any other reason.

she thinks it’s quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding

What an insane way for her to look at the world.

I would not, under any circumstances, be doing this. Even if it meant being uninvited.

Ask her how many white guests are having their hairstyle dictated to by her.

Can you get them a couple of really ridiculous wigs? Like clown ones or something?
This is about the most offensive request I've read and cannot be taken seriously.