AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

I think she should go in a lot of ways, as planned for her children who as you say are probably looking forward to it. They hold their (curly) head's held up high as a middle finger salute to the racist bride.

I would probably cool contact afterwards though, nobody needs a racist in the family.

Wow! 😲 You can’t see the blatant racism here? Or…you can, but you’d comply anyway? Fuck me! 😖🤯

I would be making their hair as big as possible that day.

If it is looked after, but that is not always the case.

No that’s unreasonable for her to ask. But are you willing to not go

Sadly she is showing racist beliefs herself, she's had comments removed already for the racism.

By they can stay home... I mean your family its its entirety can not attend.
Id do something fun on the day itself

Shes an absolute dickhead

i absolutely love this!! 👏 👏 👏

OP, I hope this shit is shut down quickly and your brother deals with your SIL. What a cow!

That’s racist AF.

Say what?

I'd just say ok and turn up with their hair au natural on the day. If she kicks off she'll just look like the unhinged racist she is.

@dramaisalifestyle I know you don’t want to cause all out war just before the wedding but I’d be absolutely fucking raging about this.

Unless your SIL can come up with a very convincing argument for this, it’s openly and blatantly racist.

Speak to your brother and if he sides with his fiancée I’d be at least refusing for them to be in the wedding but not sure I’d go at all.

Did she get back to you when you suggested non straight styles ? As someone with lots of friends of mixed race and Afro Caribbean origins ,(I live in a very multi cultural area) I see lots of different styles with the kids . Some keep them neat with braids and beads , some wild and free , a good friend of mine who is white and her hubby is black , says her daughter won’t sit still long enough to have it tidy so it’s really just a frizzy bouncy fluff ball which actually suits her but if she was a bridesmaid/ flower girl, I would want it toned down a bit . It could simply be she’s a bit ignorant about black hair and gone and looked at hairstyles online and thought it would look nice . And yes I know of some who do for special occasions straighten their kids hair but they use special Afro straighteners with lots of product when straightening but most of them say in this hot humid weather by the end of the evening it starts curling up again .
A lot on here are shouting racism , but as a bride she chose to include your lovely children and to get your son to carry the plaque in doesn’t immediately make me think she’s racist . Possibly a perfectionist and ocd about how she wants everything . Of course j could be wrong ….. but I think you need a proper chat with her and have it out with her

As is the case with white people! What's your point? What, exactly, are you saying?

I am gobsmacked. Stick to your guns on this. I like PP's idea of calling out any underlying issues by getting your sister to innocently ask about straightening her kid's hair too.

Just politely say No, you have never learnt to straighten their hair, given it is so delightful.

I was a flowergirl and it is VERY common for bride to just have a vision of hair style for attendants. We all had different hair but we sat in row at the hair dresser and all walked out with similar smooth high buns with bows on front, and the same nail polish.

Stand your ground but I really don't think your new SIL is meaning to insult anyone.

Suggest that she hires a hair dresser for the morning.

Practise using control products that keep your kid's hair how you like it.

I’d be seriously considering cutting all ties with a relative that was so racist towards my children. I’d ignore her now, and continue to ignore her. She’s shown that she has no respect for your dc.

If you do go, leave the kids’ hair as it is! She’ll either be too busy to notice, or too embarrassed to make a fuss publicly.

And when black people say racism is alive and kicking, we are told we are using the race card.
To racist people saying it’s rude, you are absolutely wrong. It’s not rude, it’s racist.

A white women decided she doesn’t like the look of your children hair and feels it will ruin her wedding day. There is no discussion to be had, she is rejecting who they are and I wouldn’t be going to the wedding at all.
this is the opportunity you have as a family to stand your ground, she has told you what she thinks about your children hair. Their hair isn’t the “right kind” of curly like your other niece

Where is your husband in all this? As the black parent I would go ballistic.
A message would be sent and contact would be cut.

I’d be absolutely raging and would seriously consider my family attending at all. Racism, 100%

"No. We can't".

End of story.

Having just Googled 4a & c hair, I can only imagine they look incredibly cute. It is the sort of hair I look at and thinks it looks amazing.

Do you think maybe the bride is worried that your kids (and their hair) will somehow upstage her?

Are you seriously saying getting married is an excuse to let your little bit of racism show?!

They don't need their hair to be damaged AT ALL to appease this racist woman and no, the hair probably won't be chopped off soon as curly hair, being curly, is not as long.

The grandmother needs to realise too that sometimes 'keeping the peace' is not an option if it means siding with a racist over your own family.

My husband is furious too!

I'd give anything for curls! Your SIL is mad 🤣

And yet there are people I hear with racist tropes such as afro hair isn’t neat. These people exist. Even if the OP isn’t real, the commenters who essentially agree with the SIL are right here outing themselves in the thread. And it is always useful to know which names are racist.

If all real, OP you need to understand your sister is a racist. Firm no and if she won’t accept, don’t attend the wedding. Tell your mother to stand up for her grandkids. Screw them all to be honest.