AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

Or just say I’m not changing their hair to meet some racialised beauty standard. I certainly wouldn't be saying my child had a meltdown so I could avoid naming her behaviour for what it is.

FFS I pressed YABU by mistake. Of course you’re not unreasonable. Your SIL however sounds like a combination of the worst type of bridezilla crossed with a eugenics supporting white supremacist . I would be speaking to my brother and telling him he needs to ask his ‘bride’ to wobble her head until hopefully it just falls off. Eugh!

I mean your SIL is clearly totally unreasonable and racist.

Im wondering what your dh thinks of her comment. It must have been hugely hurtful to him too.

Imagine telling white guests they all had to have a perm!

She's being ridiculous and weird.

You're not very good at playing the devil's advocate. I suppose trying brings you joy though?

She has asked the OP to do something the OP is rightly not comfortable doing: it appears she is singling out her non white children and made unreasonable demands and done it in a rude and disrespectful fashion which assumes she gets to order everyone around.

Why is the onus on the OP to bargain and negotiate with this highly unreasonable request?

It must be exhausting and upsetting in equal measure. I am sorry so many white people are not aware of this. It is not just ignorance but a lack of awareness of the impact.

I work in a professional role, and yes thinking about it now - there is institutional bias in this regard, and somehow needs to change. It’s really not acceptable - you are more than good enough just as you are.

Beyonce has a fro in the Mike Myers films.

WTAF?!

Are you the bride?!

Yes their hair is "neat"...???

I don't always style their hair because their hair doesn't need to be styled every day. It's okay to let the curls breathe sometimes.

I guess it's a bit of a boring Sunday morning for you? The rage bait is increasingly obvious.

WTF? The OP maybe adds some hair oil or similar to define her dc's curls. That still wouldn't be acceptable to the racist SIL though. The OP now knows exactly what SIL thinks about her children, and presumably their father too. Racist cunt (sil, not you)

I'd be telling your brother that you and your family will have to bow out, as you are uncomfortable with your children being treated as props and it seems as though their hair is going to be an issue for his future racist cunt of a bride. They are too young to understand the ramifications of what's being asked, and trying to silk press a child's hair for the first time is going to be time-consuming and likely physically uncomfortable for them.

Your peace keeping cowardly mother can deal with other guests asking where you are.

Well, that is an utterly mad response but, in answer to your question:

So what precisely are you implying about black people? Let's have it loud and clear.

You are being ridiculous now! And racist.

No way would I be straightening their hair. And I hope your husband goes to the wedding with a full on Afro

I wouldn't even do this to he honest. On the wedding day, I would book my kids onto a day out they would love and forget the wedding ever existed.

CFery of the first sort.

Stop being racist.

Being forced to assimilate to European centric ideas of beauty to ‘acceptable’ is racist af. I am fuming for you. I genuinely hope you send your kids with their hair out and curly. And perhaps as a wedding present give your SIL this collection of books https://amzn.eu/d/03d3LelH
maybe she can educate herself into 2026.

You are going to have to speak to your brother on this and ask him if he understands her request. That the mixed race niblings are being told (not asked) to straighten their hair but not the white one.

From his answer you will find out if it’s all her or not. How you go from there though I do not know.

Personally I would not entertain this blatant racism. Those of you saying it’s bridal stress have not understood the history of black hair and I recommend Good Hair by Chris Rock to give you a basic understand of what black women have to deal with.

Your children and they way the view themselves and how other people view them stem from you and your husband. If you let your soon to be SIL have her way, what does that tell your children? However I appreciate, this will start a family war.

Talk with your sister as well. If she gets the all clear on her daughter’s curls, will she ask outright why the same doesn’t apply for your children. Can she discuss with your brother?

Or can you discuss calmly and rationally with SIL what she is asking for? Children’s hair and black hair in particular are quite soft and fragile so any kind of heat will cause damage.

Your mother needs a good talking to though.
Fight for your children to be who they are.

Apologises for the wall of text, I am outraged on your behalf

Plaiting their hair would look neat at the same time still true to Afro heritage?

It’s not the hair damage that’s the problem. It’s the straightening of hair to meet white beauty standards. It’s racist.

I’d be very worried about the message it sends to your kids OP. I’d also be absolutely furious.

Which isn't my opinion. Once again I'm trying to understand the motivations of the SIL.

We don't know anything about the situation other than what the OP has shared.

If you can't even ask a basic question without being called a racist then there really is no having a conversation with some people. I'm not responding any more because you just want an argument.