AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

Thank you @RoseField1

I am glad you had the energy to explain this to @bellventrico because I didn't.

🙄

Have I got this right, because I feel like I’m in some parallel universe called cheeky fucker land. She’s telling you that rude for trying to dictate your wedding while also trying to dictate to you to straighten your children hair which is part of who they are. I’m not a medium but I’m getting the word racist.

My niece had a thing about wanting straight hair, also mixed race. It definitely didn't come from home, so a request like this would be hammering home she is less than. What a stupid woman, even if It wasn't meant in a racist way, she did not put any thought into it. Curly hair is beautiful , my niece would tell you that now.

I too didn't realise there were different grades of Afro hair. I've just been down a rabbit hole of watching videos of children with 4a and 4b having their hair styled. So many beautiful styles they could have, no need to have it straight.

If you read the OP's posts, she asked the bridge if there was a particular (non straight) style she had in mind. The OP had also already had plans for her children's hair for the day, as mums tend to!

This is either rage bait or racism.

If it's true I can not fathom why you didn't call out the racist card at the time? I'm raising my daughter to use her voice as a woman to tell men not to touch her. If she was black I'd be telling her to push back on comments on appearance and heritage. I wouldn't be wringing my hands over how to do so..

No man touches my dd without her consent.

No human tells my dd to straighten her afro hair.

This will be on FB soon. If roles was reversed as a black mum and a white dad she would got both barrels as soon as she said it. I hope so anyway.

Outrageous - absolutely no way

The one disrupter here is clearly baiting for their own entertainment.

Why are you presuming her kids hair aren’t neat.

by the sounds of it op is very aware of her kids hair type and knows how to style it.

Yes apologies - I skimmed the original OP and hadn't realised that the children had afro hair. Definitely inappropriate to request straightening

The labelling of natural black hair in its normal state as wild, not smart, uncontrolled etc is a way of applying white beauty standards to something that cannot possibly measure up to.

We can’t be neat and tidy without materially altering ourselves. It’s a pervasive beauty standard leading to rules throughout schools and workplaces that do not work for us. And when we say ‘our hair doesn’t do that’ we’re difficult, trying to make a point etc.

And all we’re doing is existing in the way we were created.

The reason so many black women straighten their hair (not all) is that they have internalised these standards. They know they are perceived as more ‘business like’ and ‘professional’ with straightened hair and take the easier path because they don’t want a battle every fucking day when just going about their business.

So is straight hair the only way to have tidy hair in your book?

Are you the bride?!

If you think that's racism, you have no idea what you are talking about.

If they choose to it's different.
Saying a child with afro hair has to straighten it is every different. It's like telling a blonde haired child they have to dye their hair black if they want to attend the wedding.

I would ask a very simple question and nothing else: what is the reason you need their hair to be straight.

She is very unreasonable and I cannot believe what I have read.

For those saying it isn’t racist, why is their cousin not being asked to straighten her hair? If the bride wants a certain hairstyle (for young children?) surely she would have checked before now whether that style was possible for all nieces. And what do posters think of her ‘unstraightened hair won’t be tolerated’ response to OP

The children go to the wedding with their hair the way THEIR MUM wants it. If the bride starts anything you can make her explain, very slowly and for everyone, why it is that mixed-race children are unacceptable with curly hair. Make her say it aloud in front of other people and maybe she will understand then what a ridiculous expectation it is. Regardless of the race of the children, no-one should be 'expected' to make their children fit some 'Insta-ideal' just for a wedding.

Oh my God, just no!

This reminds me of when our boss hired a French-African lady, who liked to wear her hair natural. The boss told her once "your hair looks unprofessional, please tidy it".

Glad to say, she left. So did I, for a variety of reasons.

Say no. She's racist.

Just say 'i'll see how it goes' and then on the day don't do it. Say they had a melt down.

This! Shocking!

Has Beyoncé tried to dictate that other people's children get their hair straightened, curled, dyed or whatever?

Yes this, ask her specifically why she wants their hair straightened.