AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

The stupid cow wants OP's kids to look more white doesn't she? Fuck that racist shit and fuck her and her wedding as well. I wouldn't be having anything to do with someone who wanted me to straighten my kids hair if they had natural afro or curly hair.
I wouldn't be having much to do with her before or after the wedding tbh.

My dc are mixed race and that would quite genuinely be a complete bomb right in to the middle of my family because I would never ever let my dc be in her presence again. The risk that my child would encounter racism from a member of my extended family is not one I am willing to take. They have encountered people treating them differently or badly over the years and you have to deal with that, it’s part of their life. But not this. My dc would never see her again. This has taken my breath away.

I'd respond asking if she also wants you to paint their skin white for the day.

Very true, 'don't make a fuss and be polite', the British way. Sad and maddening.

No, it's not "just hair". If you can't see the cultural significance of someone saying they "won't tolerate" two small black children's curly hair, you need to think a bit harder.

setting aside the racism, the children are not dress up dollies for the bride to play with.

But the bride has to take into account her bridesmaids' actual hair first. It's pointless demanding updos for all if their hair is short, for instance. So she can equally take into account any with Afro hair and adapt the look accordingly. No-one is going to be shocked by a flower girl with unstraightened Afro hair.

Or because people still hold racist views and it is easier to go with that than fight it all the time.

Wild that you seem to think "racist but in a slightly ignorant way" is ok and op should suck it up/straighten her dc's hair.

@dramaisalifestyle I'd get a bloody perm before the big day tbh but I'm petty AF!

I straightened my hair once, and the ends broke . Afro hair can be low in moisture, and can break with heat so yes, one straightening could damage their hair. It is quite hard to get very curly or coiled hair to become straight, it takes a lot of heat, plus products (or a chemical treatment).

I'm not sure what answer you are looking for here. The obvious and only answer is because they choose to do so, as most of us do when we try out different styles to see what suits us or just for a change. Not because their natural hair is unattractive or unacceptable.

Wow. This is so concerning. Does the bride know she’s racist? I would show her this thread. Your poor children made to feel less than for being themselves. Well done for standing up for them.

I agree there is sometimes cases like that
but this isn’t one of them
it’s normal for the bride to request hairstyles like all brides maids have there hair up
kids have hair in ponytails

but 2 kids with curly hair ( curly hair is part of one of theres heritage) what possible explanation other than racism could there be when you ask one and not the other
also her son is the only boy so his hair wouldn’t have to match anyone’s anyway there no possible justification at all

The first response nails it really.

You’re handling it very sensibly and I’m sure your kids will look beautiful without straight hair!

You’re going to see the bride after the wedding presumably, now she’s becoming part of your family through marriage, so it’s good to gently get other family members on board. Good that your sister is supportive. Racism is never ok, even if the bride may not see she’s being racist right now.

I feel as though the longer term priority is communication with your brother who is marrying this woman. He is in love with her but he still needs to have your back.

@dramaisalifestyle I definitely would not straighten my kids hair at that age, and please don't take this the wrong way, but is your children's hair neat? I ask because a family member of mine has 2 mixed race kids and in my opinion their hair is a mess. Never styled mostly looks like it's not been combed, it is frequently commented on in our family (which is the black side) I know the other side of the family think their hair is amazing. I'm wondering if the request might be more about it looking neat on the day, but that said, you have asked for specific hairstyles and she is insisting on straightening which frankly is madness.

I just don’t know how you’d ever come back from this? I mean even if she sends a message saying ‘Of course, you’re right, moment of bridal madness - please ignore’ you’re still going to know what she was thinking. And she’s going to know you know, I’m just not sure it’s something I could let go, even if the other person backed down.

Has your sister message future Sil?

If they were white she would be rude and demanding, but to demand mixed race children change their natural hair is racist.

Your children are beautiful just as they are. Unfortunately, they will have people suggesting that their natural hair is undesirable all their lives. Things might be changing, but (sadly) people are still told that their natural texture is unprofessional, untidy, or somehow less beautiful than white peoples hair.

Your job as their mum is to show them unapologetically that this kind of attitude is unacceptable. It doesn't matter whether you like conflict, you need to call out her behaviour and make it very clear that none of you will attend the wedding if she mentions it again.

You'd be a very generous parent if you accepted a bride telling you to alter your children's hair because it's too ugly for her photos!

As a mixed race woman this really upsets me, it's like natural afro hair is never bloody good enough. I wore my natural afro hair out for my wedding, it looked great, and after showing some photos to a woman I was working with she said "You didn't do much with your hair did you?" Who slags off someones wedding photo?! It's racism and you SIL needs to get a grip. I don't think I would take my kids to this wedding.

You're getting very desperate here! Lol. Quit while you're behind.

yup, many times. At no time has a bride said they "won't tolerate" children if they don't comply with her wishes.