Aibu to think that life is just you doing what every else wants and never being happy?

[Potatoread]

I don’t know if I’m being really selfish or unreasonable but I’m really exhausted by the expectations placed on me by everyone.

I work in a really busy and stressful job, 40 hours a week.

I live with my partner who has half custody of his children (both under the age of 6).

My mum and dad live two hours away.

I have 2 friends. One lives an hour away, the other 4 hours away.

I find my life extremely suffocating. Don’t get me wrong, I know I chose this life and I have only just started feeling like this recently.

There’s an expectation from my parents that I will see them weekly. And I WANT to see them. The journey there and back kills me, I’m exhausted. Yesterday I had to travel there as it was my brothers birthday and there was the expectation I’d stay late into the evening to celebrate. Didn’t get home until 10:30pm. Today, I have to do work this morning and then my friend is wanting to see me. Partner has a football match 2 hours away and will probably want me to go and watch him.

Parents were upset that I didn’t stay later last night and sent me messages saying they were worried about my wellbeing and I didn’t look well, encouraging me to speak to them.

Partner will get upset that I’ve spent yesterday with my parents and today with my friend (if I do go). He’ll say he’s exhausted and needs a break. He’s now in between jobs and so he’s been off for 2 weeks and doesn’t start his new (part time) job until September.

I get told that everything I’m doing is not done “right” - brother puts pressure on me to see him and my parents very regularly, if I don’t, I’m not prioritising them. Partner puts pressure on me to be at home with him a lot, and if I don’t I get told I’m “tapping out of family life”

Partner can make plans to do what he wants but I’m expected to tag along or support him, ie the football matches.

I just feel like I’m drowning, I never get even half a day to do what I want to do. I’ve taken to saying I’m working late and just spend the time walking around the city centre, maybe getting a coffee and just building myself up to go home.

The house is constantly a mess. There’s no effort of making the house nice for me when I get home, can’t remember the last time someone made me a meal.

I feel guilty that at the weekends I want out the house, but then when I’m out I feel overwhelmed with guilt and feel I need to get home. Last night I thought partner would want me home but when I got in he was just playing video games and we sat with him doing that til we fell asleep.

I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel anything. We had an argument two weeks ago about something he did and I was too exhausted to even sort it out properly just snapped back to him talking to me normally.

I’m back at work tomorrow. And the whole week starts again. I’m so exhausted. If I sleep too much I get told I’m wasting the day, if I’m not full on chatty I get told I’m moody, if I go out I get told I’m selfish.

Anyone else feel like this

You have a partner problem.

I'd reply to your parents - because they can see all is not ok - explaining that you are exhausted and need a rest.

Your partner sounds like 80% of the problem. Are you absolutely hellbent on staying with him? You can't have been with him that long if he has two kids under 6. I suspect what you're seeing is absolutely the real him and the reason why his previous relationship failed.

I'm sure more wise words ere on their way but two things jump out

1. it's not normal for a grown man to sulk if his partner doesn't want to watch him kick a ball around, particularly if it involves a four hour round trip (so effectively a full day out).

2. Your family need to do the return visit every now and then and perhaps they will understand why doing it weekly is completely unrealistic.

However I agree with PP you have a partner problem. Resolve that one and you have a fairly standard busy work/life balance but you will be in charge of your own time and plans, which will make that busy-ness far more manageable.

It doesn't seem to be in a woman's best interests or even potentially enjoyable, to cohabit with a man who has a kid.

You could enjoy the bliss of your own peaceful property and just date the boyfriend when his kids are with their mother, or dump him altogether.

And a family problem!

Your partner is treating you as a 'nanny with a fanny', a cashcow who'll also be a maid to his kids.
He's completely taking advantage of you. You need to get out, no matter what emotional blackmail (or worse!) he puts on.

I have been married 30 years. I go out whenever I wish. I do solo holidays. So does DH.
I can't bear a possessive, clingy man. One with 2 kids is not a prize.
You would be happier on your own.

Your partner is the problem. Does he do the majority of childcare for his kids when they’re with him?

You have a boundaries problem AND a major partner problem.

Can you envisage EVER being happy with your partner?

You need to learn to say no more. Disassociate a bit. Dump the partner. I’m 45 and it’s only in the last 5 years or so I’ve learnt to care less about pleasing others. They’re not making the effort to care about you so why care about them?

You have zero obligation to watch your partner play football or look after his children.

Do you have your own resources (£)? Your partner is ...lacking. It probably suits him very nicely to have you there to outsource his parenting onto.

The only people that seem to have some genuine love and concern for you are your parents, and it is hard to tell if that is also mixed up with their own needs, not purely altruistic. It can be both.

Are you in a position to book some time off work? Not at somebody else's convenience (after all, your partner isn't currently working and can surely manage things at home...) but in terms of workplace? If so, go away. Somewhere you'd choose. Somewhere that pleases you. Get some thinking space.

This is a partner AND parental problem. Why are your parents demanding a visit every weekend? Have you spent your whole life filling their cup up and not yours? If so, that will trickle into other areas of your life…. parents, friends, people pleasing etc.

You haven’t got your own kids so respectfully, your life shouldn’t be too over extended. Your parents sound like a massive problem. What do you think?

Choose a day and say to your DP ‘yes, I’m moody so I’m going to be selfish by choosing to waste my day’. Demand no interruptions and just sleep.

Don’t feel guilty. You need to fill your own cup before you can fill others.

Let your parents know that they are right, you’re not feeling great so you’ll be taking xyz to R&R.

I would also feel suffocated if I were an unpaid nanny for 2 kids under 6, not my own. Your partner is using you.

You are going to massively burn yourself out if you keep doing this. If I was you I’d ring your parents and have an open and frank conversation and tell them how mentally and physically exhausted you are first of all.
as for your partner. I don’t know, he’s being extremely selfish!! He isn’t working but he isn’t cooking or cleaning? He also expects you to use one of your two days off watching him play football!? He isn’t 7!! whay exactly is he doing to contribute? I take it you are the main bread winner?? He needs to get his finger out of his arse and stop acting like a teenage boy.

have you any annual leave you can take to have a breather??

Step 1: get rid of the awful partner.

Oh yes @Potatoread don’t be looking after his kids. They’re his! Let him get on with it.

If you’re accused of checking out of family life, simply say ‘Yeap, for the time being I am!’ Grab yourself a cuppa and go back to bed.

Bloody hell op. You are not a support human! Your DP needs ditching and I’d advise a bit of counselling to work through your boundaries, it’s ok to say no. Get your life back, preferably live in your own.

Watch him play football - no thanks! You probably would'nt mind watching the odd match if he ever did anything for you. Don't mind his children. They're his, not yours.

Take yourself off in a break & rest.

Tell your parents you're no longer able to visit every week & let them know why.

So now you know what living with him is like. It won't change. If anything, it will get worse.

End it. Build a better life for yourself which centres YOUR OWN HAPPINESS.

This is your one life. You deserve to be happy. In future, don't put up with any relationship that doesn't bring you joy.

In answer to your question. No I don't feel like this.

Because I am able to say no and put myself first.

Sorry OP but this is a YOU problem. Why are you allowing your parents to dictate how you spend your weekends. Why are you allowing your partner to be a lazy shit and criticise you?
Get a back bone and tell the whole lot of them to sod off. Live a nice quiet life by yourself.
If they don't like it, tough.

If you choose to let them control your life, you need to put up and shut up. Or do something about it.

Sorry if that's harsh. But too many people complain about their demanding family or useless.partners, yet continue to enable their behaviour

Gently OP it sounds as though part of the issue is being a people pleaser - this is absolutely not a criticism, I have been guilty of this in years gone by (as have most women of our generation). When we always prioritise everyone else's needs, we neglect our own and this can lead to resentment whether conscious or subconsciously. The first step is getting comfortable with the discomfort that doing what you want may lead to someone else being dissatisfied. That's on them, not you.
I promise you, it can be a bit bumpy as people adjust to you positively asserting yourself and saying no, but they will get used to it.
I'm not saying never do something for someone else, rather its ok to prioritise your own needs and peace sometimes.

Apart from the obvious partner problem, you need to get used to displeasing people - its liberating and a superpower when you don't care! This is something a lot of us women discover in our middle age, and that is why we are so much happier in this phase of life. Do what you can when you can, and act with integrity and kindness - beyond that if people don't like it, that is their problem not yours!

You need to start advocating for yourself, no one else is going to do this for you. To hell with 'expectations' and 'demands', this is entirely in your hands.

They will get a shock when you start pushing back but they will get used to it.

I would rather have a root canal than go watch a grown man play football and would tell him that. Tell your parents and friend you are exhausted, have pulled a muscle in yuur back, have a migraine, whatever.

Stop expecting other people to put you first.