Aibu to think that life is just you doing what every else wants and never being happy?

[Potatoread]

I don’t know if I’m being really selfish or unreasonable but I’m really exhausted by the expectations placed on me by everyone.

I work in a really busy and stressful job, 40 hours a week.

I live with my partner who has half custody of his children (both under the age of 6).

My mum and dad live two hours away.

I have 2 friends. One lives an hour away, the other 4 hours away.

I find my life extremely suffocating. Don’t get me wrong, I know I chose this life and I have only just started feeling like this recently.

There’s an expectation from my parents that I will see them weekly. And I WANT to see them. The journey there and back kills me, I’m exhausted. Yesterday I had to travel there as it was my brothers birthday and there was the expectation I’d stay late into the evening to celebrate. Didn’t get home until 10:30pm. Today, I have to do work this morning and then my friend is wanting to see me. Partner has a football match 2 hours away and will probably want me to go and watch him.

Parents were upset that I didn’t stay later last night and sent me messages saying they were worried about my wellbeing and I didn’t look well, encouraging me to speak to them.

Partner will get upset that I’ve spent yesterday with my parents and today with my friend (if I do go). He’ll say he’s exhausted and needs a break. He’s now in between jobs and so he’s been off for 2 weeks and doesn’t start his new (part time) job until September.

I get told that everything I’m doing is not done “right” - brother puts pressure on me to see him and my parents very regularly, if I don’t, I’m not prioritising them. Partner puts pressure on me to be at home with him a lot, and if I don’t I get told I’m “tapping out of family life”

Partner can make plans to do what he wants but I’m expected to tag along or support him, ie the football matches.

I just feel like I’m drowning, I never get even half a day to do what I want to do. I’ve taken to saying I’m working late and just spend the time walking around the city centre, maybe getting a coffee and just building myself up to go home.

The house is constantly a mess. There’s no effort of making the house nice for me when I get home, can’t remember the last time someone made me a meal.

I feel guilty that at the weekends I want out the house, but then when I’m out I feel overwhelmed with guilt and feel I need to get home. Last night I thought partner would want me home but when I got in he was just playing video games and we sat with him doing that til we fell asleep.

I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel anything. We had an argument two weeks ago about something he did and I was too exhausted to even sort it out properly just snapped back to him talking to me normally.

I’m back at work tomorrow. And the whole week starts again. I’m so exhausted. If I sleep too much I get told I’m wasting the day, if I’m not full on chatty I get told I’m moody, if I go out I get told I’m selfish.

Anyone else feel like this

End the relationship firstly then do what you want. After years of doing what others want I put myself first. Had a bit of push back from people but its my life and I dont want to be a chorus girl.

You need to start prioritizing your happiness more and owning it.

“No, I’m not visiting this weekend. I want a break and I work all week. I’ll see you next weekend.”

Leave your DP, he’s a rude, lazy arse. You aren’t going to have a great life while you’re carrying him and letting him be a wanker to you and teaching his son to do the same.

Generally, no. This is not “life”. This is your current life because you put the boundaries in place to make things fair. You can change that.

Hope your friend is supportive and you had a good time with her.

I’m unlikely to tell you anything you haven’t had from other posters but it strikes me that everyone else is getting what they want but you.
Quite frankly, why should you have to do all the running and keep the peace, schlepping about after your partner to watch him kick a ball? Fuck that.
You get one shot at this and in the end these are the sort of people that never bloody appreciate it anyway. You might find by being a bit more assertive that their attitude changes but really if I was you, I’d rather be single.
Good luck OP, I hope you manage to make the changes you want.

@Potatoread

My love, listen. You have lost your 'voice'. You know what you want but the 'voice' with which to speak it is buried somewhere deep in you. This isn't uncommon in younger women (I'm old). I didn't find my voice again until I was in my 50s. And I paid a price for that in my 30s and 40s when I was working and raising my sons.

I'm as old or older than your parents. It is wrong of them to expect you to travel to them exclusively, and especially weekly! My younger son lives 2 hours away and I have no problem driving to him, but it's only every month or so and I often stay the night. In between we have lengthy phone calls. He has an extremely busy life and I would never expect him to drive to me weekly! That is ridiculous and very selfish! I'm retired, a 'lady of leisure', who has nothing but time and can 'rest up' before and after the visit to his so I see it as my 'job' to go to him. If your parents won't travel to you or even meet halfway (very reasonable) then they must forego seeing you weekly. Find that voice and tell them it is too much.

As far as your DP, I agree with others. Dump him. At best he's selfish at the worst he does see you as a nanny with a fanny and a purse, too! He has no respect for you and is teaching his son to have no respect for you. Find your voice and tell him you're done being his doormat, cheerleader, and hired help. Since you say he said it was 'his' shower I assume you're living in his home? If so, ducks in a row as quickly as you can and leave.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are in control. You can say no. Habits can be broken. If the people you say no to can't accept that you are saying no for your own wellbeing, then they don't really care all that much about you, do they?

I hope you do tell your friend everything and that she can support you in finding your voice. The only person stopping you is you.

First post nail it 👍

You are responsible for your own happiness. No one is taking care of you. Your health is your wealth and this routine is destroying yours. Tell all concerned that you are dealing with some health issues at the moment and need to take a step back. Then after work start doing some of the things you enjoy, show yourself some love. Enjoy your weekends, you work hard and deserve to have fun. If you can afford it, hire a cleaner for a couple of hours each week . 💞

What’s preventing your brother and parents from coming to yours once in a while? Why do you always have to go to them?

Your life would be so much more relaxing if you told your parents that yes you are exhausted and you'll come every second weekend and asked your partner to move out. You need a space to unwind in and he's not giving you that neither are his children. His comments about the bathroom is making it very clear it's heading in the wrong direction - who knows where it will be at if he's still there in 10 years time and his children are teenagers!

My mother is 90 and she's delighted I visit every second week at best and she's around an hour away. My siblings also do their fair share.

My husband performs and I go to watch when I'm inclined to which is maybe 4 times a year. He's fine with that and happy if I take a good video.

If your partner didn't live with you would your friend maybe come and stay with you sometimes?

Working 40 hours per week is utterly average.

Parents who live 2 hours away expecting to see you weekly is not! Cut that down to monthly.

I didn't take in too much of the rest (very waffly) but not spending so much time with your parents will help a great deal.

Why would you stay with a man who treats you like this? If you have no children yourself, why would you put up with his, when he clearly gives you nothing much in return?

Sounds like your parents have raised you to be a people pleaser, and you're now carrying that forward to your DP and his kids... If you're not careful, you can lose your whole life that way...

I know it's hard to start standing up to people and you can even forget what you want when you've put your needs on the back burner for so long... but you get one life, and everyone is entitled to live it for themselves.

Have a look for online resources, maybe try ChatGPT on how you can start to 'self-actualize'. Good luck!

You hold all the power here if only you choose to use it. Your DP is out of work and has DC. You are working and have no DC. He doesn’t get to call the shots. He certainly doesn’t get to sulk and tell you off and pretend to be exhausted and make you watch his boring gaming and football. Seriously, stop putting up with this shit and put your foot down. Make him move out and get your own space and sanity back. It’s blatantly clear from your posts this needs to happen and there’s no obstacles, you’re not married or tied by kids. The only person keeping you in this situation is yourself. Start making choices that make your life better or you’ll be stuck in this purgatory forever.

Your parents are less of an issue but probably started this sense of obligation/people pleasing that’s screwing you over. ‘Nearing being elderly’ isn’t elderly, sounds like their choice not to come just like your brother, so you need to feel less obligated and put boundaries in. They can expect all they like but you don’t have to go weekly or stay late or feel bad. Until you start asserting what you want, you’ll be stuck in this cycle. But sort the useless selfish partner situation first then you’ll at least get some energy and perspective and start feeling better and more capable. Pandering to him and moaning to your mate isn’t going to change anything. You have to make some changes.

Please imagine how glorious your life would be in a lovely 1 bedroom flat with no one to please or accommodate but yourself.

you don’t need any of this.

your partner is exploiting you.

You are in the enviable position of being away to WALK AWAY.

Don’t know what partners exhausted by if he’s not working?!
he gets a break on the 50% he doesn’t have the kids

,
agree with others, book a couple off days off or go book a Saturday night hotel stay. If your partner kicks off, it’s a sign he’s not for you - if I told my husband all this he’d insist I had a proper break.

next weekend, suggest to parents they meet you half way (at least as a starting point) - pick a national trust house or something to visit to have some time together, preferably outdoors or doing something you enjoyed

Only you can reclaim that time to yourself. Start now. Tell your partner you are not longer watching him play as its essential you get that time to yourself as you work a 40 hr week. Tell family you'll see them once a month but speak on the phone more often. Any one who gives you grief for setting your own reasonable boundaries does not have your actual welfare at heart. Stick to these rules and you'll immediately have more time to yourself.

I also work long hours and I would never, ever watch an adult play football. If any future grandchildren played football I would watch them. Because they are children and need the support.

Your parents are really unreasonable. Now is the time to tell them you are exhausted and burnt out. Say the hours you work are exhausting and driving back and forth to them is also exhausting.

Say you can’t do it for now and suggest a family quiz night on teams or something. Stand firm and do not under any circumstances continue to drive there weekly. Once a month is more than enough then phone call/ video message the other weeks. If they moan repeat that it is making you ill and is too much.

I agree about dumping the boyfriend. He sounds lazy and selfish if he is not even keeping the house up together and cooking whilst off work. He doesn’t care that you are tired and working long hours or he would show that he cared.

However difficult it is I would at least try to live separately to him.

You're not married and you don't have kids; end it now. And then set a new pattern with your parents, like you'll go every third week or whatever. Maybe once in a while invite them all to your place - brother can drive the parents. If they say no that's their choice, but they won't be seeing you that week. You'll soon find out how desperate to see you they really are.

Have a reset now, or brother will be telling you that you have to do all the travelling to do all the care when the time comes.

Be very very clear about what you can do and what you can't do. What you can do is what you actually want to do btw. Speak clearly and factually. Men respect this. State your expectations. Eg i work full time and have a life (family and friends) that are a priority. However, I will make sure i'm around every other Saturday (or whatever) for us to hang out. I don't want to do all the housework and cooking. So how about you cook 3 days and i'll do the same. Just be super clear. Days to yourself, doing what you want, lie ins, whatever you need, they are MORE of a priority than anyone else, especially when you don't have children

Yep I find life a really weird concept to think about. Your average life expectancy is 73 years.

Your born, then after:
4 years - you’re forced into some form of education system (education is fantastic but making parents legally liable and threatening prison sentences for not sending a 5 year old to school is wild)

thats 14/15 years of mandatory education, then you have to work to survive, working determines how nice and how comfortable a life you will live. You don’t work? You suffer and nobody really or actually gives a shit.. just another day in the office.

You can, if you can afford it, retire at 66 (soon to be 67). So we spend 52 of our 73 year average life span, working to survive some manmade human specific food chain.

so between 15 years of government controlled education, and 52 years of essentially government controlled living.. we have approximately 10 years of being ‘free’ in life. 4 of those were too young and unable to really do anything for ourselves anyway, the remaining 6 years were likely getting too old and worn down by the government to do what we please anyway, so we settle.

That’s not even taking into considerations marriages and relationships, where both parties end up needing to compromise and give up hopes and dreams in order to please another person.

Now I’m not into conspiracy theory’s, but I do find humanity weird. When did we get to a place where we can’t just live our own lives anymore?

I raised 4 children alone, worked a demanding full time job, and still found tiny bits of time or headspace for my own happiness.
Adjust your boundaries and learn to put yourself first occasionally. You are allowed to!

We got here because “living our own life” just isn’t physically possible

you are born and left to live your own life - you die pretty quickly

you get through your first few years and learn to walk and then left to live your own life - find your own food and make your own home? Die from the first virus to hit you ?

the life you live is part of a society and has been since before Homo sapiens emerged as a distinct species - we work together to make things better for us all - with some people specialising in stuff they are very good at

but rather than discover phytahorus theorem anew each generation, we learn form each other , from people all over the world and pass that into each generation via education because the wealth of knowledge is now so vast that relying on a parent to pass on what they know will seriously limit a child’s opportunities and general understanding, and , as it turns out, general happiness

people who want to live outside of society and not abide by the basic rules and not want to contribute are welcome to leave society - and leave this land

they are not welcome to benefit from out house and roads and medical system if they don’t want give something of themselves in return

none of this is the OPs problem

How old are you?

I just wouldn’t have any of this and have spent a life being quite awkward by some people standards because I just do what I want to. When very young I went on a date with a great looking guy who was a nice person but when I found out he had two primary age children there was no second date. Your DH sounds useless which has made a situation that will always involve more work and planning so much worse.

You need more head over heart, plus what age are your parents? Unless disabled they can travel and it is unrealistic and selfish of them to expect to be seen every week. When I’m older I would worry my DS wasn’t having a life if he spent that much time with me.

Get rid of the boyfriend and be much pickier.

Tell your parents you’re tired because they’re making you spend 4 hours driving every weekend then moving at you for not staying longer!

and your partner can fuck of with his “tapping out of family life” - that’s so obviously code for “you’re not doing enough childcare of my kids”

leave him and 50% of your problems will be gone. Imagine how peaceful it will be to get home and be alone and able to do whatever you like without anyone complaining at you!

Don't want to derail the thread too much with the abstract discussion when OP has clear tangible problems that can be sorted, but to this point:

Now I’m not into conspiracy theory’s, but I do find humanity weird. When did we get to a place where we can’t just live our own lives anymore?

And the idea of being 'free' - when in history/where in society are you thinking of that humanity had this freedom? We've always had to work and be beholden to others in some form even if that was hunting and gathering or fetching water.

Lots of those basic tasks have been made easier with tech - taps, supermarkets etc - but I don't know where the 'live our own lives any more' idea comes from. There used to be serfdom and slavery, and childhood is longer than it used to be now - my grandpa went to work in the mill by his teens. Education for all was/is a good thing. Sure the industrial revolution led to the current commodification, but before that there was still work in whatever form and being free (to do what?) wasn't an option for most unless they were rich off others' backs. If you mean some frugal self-sustainable off-the-grid kind of lifestyle, that's hard too.

In many ways, the generation that currently has good pensions and could retire relatively early (not everyone by any means but some) have the most freedom to live their own lives than those who came before or after. So yeah, not sure the postlapsarian idea stands up to much testing. Same amount of air in the balloon, just squeezed in different places.

But the OP's issue is more easily solved by ditching the selfish DP and standing up for what she quite rightly needs.

Sounds like you need to redesign the boundaries OP and accept that to create the life you want, you'll have to accept a bit of criticism from family/partner because they're used to you people pleasing & they're going to push back, but you have to stick to your guns. Otherwise, this will always be your life.

A 4hr round trip every week to visit parents?!? I love my mum to bits. But 4hrs a week on top of full time work is just not sustainable. I'm amazed you lasted this long. The thing about "prioritising family" sounds like emotional blackmail. Now, if you feel this is something that you absolutely will not compromise on - then I'd look at changing jobs, or cutting hours. I would look at this either way tbh. If you could get a job with 35hrs you will feel a difference. Please don't write off the idea of changing jobs - it could make a real difference in well-being.

Time for a reset. Get a blank piece of paper and write what you want your life to look like. You may think you don't have control, but you CAN take it back. Tell ppl you need time and support while you make changes to your life, because you've burned out. If they don't like it, just take yourself out of that convo respectfully and stay focused on you. Ppl are pulling you every which way, but you're worth more than this - don't let anyone walk over you, this is your life and you have the right to be happy and to get positive things out of your day for you.

From a recovering people pleaser: think about therapy, and try a little journalling and affirmations. I remind myself each day that I have a voice and I'm not just here for everyone else, I'm here for me ❤️
You got this OP, don't lose momentum, start today & make some changes that make YOU feel better x