Aibu to think that life is just you doing what every else wants and never being happy?

[Potatoread]

I don’t know if I’m being really selfish or unreasonable but I’m really exhausted by the expectations placed on me by everyone.

I work in a really busy and stressful job, 40 hours a week.

I live with my partner who has half custody of his children (both under the age of 6).

My mum and dad live two hours away.

I have 2 friends. One lives an hour away, the other 4 hours away.

I find my life extremely suffocating. Don’t get me wrong, I know I chose this life and I have only just started feeling like this recently.

There’s an expectation from my parents that I will see them weekly. And I WANT to see them. The journey there and back kills me, I’m exhausted. Yesterday I had to travel there as it was my brothers birthday and there was the expectation I’d stay late into the evening to celebrate. Didn’t get home until 10:30pm. Today, I have to do work this morning and then my friend is wanting to see me. Partner has a football match 2 hours away and will probably want me to go and watch him.

Parents were upset that I didn’t stay later last night and sent me messages saying they were worried about my wellbeing and I didn’t look well, encouraging me to speak to them.

Partner will get upset that I’ve spent yesterday with my parents and today with my friend (if I do go). He’ll say he’s exhausted and needs a break. He’s now in between jobs and so he’s been off for 2 weeks and doesn’t start his new (part time) job until September.

I get told that everything I’m doing is not done “right” - brother puts pressure on me to see him and my parents very regularly, if I don’t, I’m not prioritising them. Partner puts pressure on me to be at home with him a lot, and if I don’t I get told I’m “tapping out of family life”

Partner can make plans to do what he wants but I’m expected to tag along or support him, ie the football matches.

I just feel like I’m drowning, I never get even half a day to do what I want to do. I’ve taken to saying I’m working late and just spend the time walking around the city centre, maybe getting a coffee and just building myself up to go home.

The house is constantly a mess. There’s no effort of making the house nice for me when I get home, can’t remember the last time someone made me a meal.

I feel guilty that at the weekends I want out the house, but then when I’m out I feel overwhelmed with guilt and feel I need to get home. Last night I thought partner would want me home but when I got in he was just playing video games and we sat with him doing that til we fell asleep.

I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel anything. We had an argument two weeks ago about something he did and I was too exhausted to even sort it out properly just snapped back to him talking to me normally.

I’m back at work tomorrow. And the whole week starts again. I’m so exhausted. If I sleep too much I get told I’m wasting the day, if I’m not full on chatty I get told I’m moody, if I go out I get told I’m selfish.

Anyone else feel like this

Op your whole post sounds sad.
Ditch the partner, he’s making your life harder not easier and seems to be bringing absolutely nothing to the table.
Explain to your parents that they are right to be worried, you are exhausted and need to scale back the visits. You can catch up with them on FaceTime or the phone or whatever. Spend a whole weekend just doing what you want, you sound like you are totally spent from servicing everyone’s needs bar your own and unless you take active steps to change it, it won’t change by itself.
It’s not selfish to prioritise your own needs.

Tell your parents that yes, they’re correct, you don’t feel well and you can’t visit them weekly. Go every other week or once a month.
You do not need to watch your partner play football. In fact, your relationship with your partner doesn’t sound good at all.
He doesn’t do any chores even though he appears to have more time available, isn’t supportive and puts more demands on you.

Reduce the visits and football from now, give yourself space to think about your relationship.

You’ll be happy if you allow yourself to be. That means getting some help to establish boundaries with others.

Early this week I was so furious with my husband and kids over a shithole kitchen, with nobody else doing anything for 24 hours that I went on strike. They needed a boot up their arses. It worked. If people treat you like shit call them out on it.

Hmmm. A lot to unpack here.

Your partner doesn't sound like he wants to make you happy, for starters. Also your parents - why don't they ever come to you? 2 hours every weekend is a lot to travel, when do you do your own things? For example, what do you do for your health, hobbies and self-development, and when?

When I was young I saw some people living like this, pandering to the will of others.

I was determined not to do this, as I saw how unhappy and desperate and borderline breaking down these people were.

Maybe I am the opposite but I don't think about what others might want or expect much at all, unless they specifically ask me. I don't exist to be other people's companion and lady in waiting. In fact, I do what makes me happy.

It feels like you have been programmed and raised to think this is your role, the way you describe your feelings around guilt when you don't stay with someone long enough, or aren't at home.

Even thoughts like 'I thought my partner wanted me at home but I found him there just playing video games'.

It would require a whole reset and probably a lot of work on yourself. But unless they are going through a tough time or physically ill, an adult will be able to entertain themselves when you are not available. Clearly in this situation, they were perfectly fine and did not want you or need you.

So thought process in this situation could be:

• It is irrelevant what they want, one doesn't get everything they want every minute of the day
• Even if they want me there, unfortunately I have my own plans tonight and am unavailable until later

Unfortunately what I see is that people that martyr themselves like that are not respected and values by the people in their lives. If you are always available and always come running, people come to expect it. You need to have more respect for yourself and your wants and needs, in terms of mental and physical health.

The alternative is that you break down and become bitter.

If you have more respect for yourself and your own identity, not just being defined as a runner and helper for others, they will respect and admire you more, and not work you to the ground.

And if not... As far as my eye can see, living alone and not in constant contact ith everyone is a better quality of life, than being stuck in a dynamic that upsets you and allows people to take advantage of your accommodating nature.

My parents are nearing being elderly and I wouldn’t expect them to come and see me. My brother had never been to my house, ever. I don’t have a problem seeing them regularly, but requests to meet half way for lunch have been declined. My mum has quite a lot of social anxiety and finds travelling hard.

My partner is a perpetual teenager. He says to me that I need to “chill”, which involves sitting in the lounge with him on video games and his kids playing with bricks etc or on their iPad. I find it so overstimulating.

This morning I saw his little boy attempting to stand in the shower and turn it on. I raised my voice “please don’t do that, get out of there”. 5 minutes later partner came into me and asked why I was shouting (I wasn’t) and started saying not to speak to his children like that, when I explained he was in the shower, my partner said “it’s not your bathroom” (?). Partners son came in and started raising his voice st me too, imitating his dad “listen, you listen, I wasn’t in the shower”. He’s only 5.

I just feel like I’m this person watching my life and just so unhappy. I feel like I’m slipping into a crisis or depression.

what makes it all worse is that my partner is aware of how stressful I found yesterday. He said my family were selfish, that I should do what I wanted and not care what others thought… then the next day making me feel shit for going to see a friend.

Going to see my friend today. I’ll probably tell her everything. She’s very helpful and will make me feel heard

You sound completely burnt out. You find the expectations of family, friends and partner overwhelming and whilst some or all of them may be being unreasonable you are the common denominator. You seem to be working hard to please people who are never satisfied so maybe you should stop.

A four hour round trip to visit your parents every week is unreasonable. Tell them you are exhausted and will visit them once a month going forward. Tell your brother you are not prepared to make everyone and everything top priority all the time at your own expense.

I would get rid of your partner, he sounds like a complete drain on your time and energy but if you can't or don't want to I would simply start refusing to provide free childcare and accompanying him everywhere.

Stop waiting to do things in time other people are taking from you. Make your own plans and then tell them you're not free to do whatever they are demanding of you.

Do not explain, apologise or negotiate. Neither resort or respond to emotional manipulation. In short stop being an angry doormat. If you lay on the floor people will wipe their feet on you so get up and take charge of your own life.

Being assertive and putting yourself first sometimes takes practice so don't expect an overnight change. Try to pause every time you feel resentful when you are asked to put someone else's wants before your own needs and make a decision about what you want rather than reflexively telling them what they want to hear. The people around you will have to adjust too but don't give up.

It isn't at all relaxing watching kids make a noise and a mess! Your partner needs to parent his kids without you there as a comfort blanket. They are not your kids so why do you have to sit there? Does he ever take them out?

YANBU
That's me!
Spent my entire life doing what's expected of me for other people
This month I've been working full time for 43 years since the day after I left school - DH is exactly the same - mostly working for small businesses where the owner thinks he's doing you a favour by giving you a job - basic wage, no perks, no benefits, no bonuses/extras for working hard - all expect, expect, expect!
I'm exhausted and have had enough.

Definitely planning "early" retirement.
Sadly, parents and In-laws have all passed away, but their expectations of what they expected DH and I to do for them were far beyond what was reasonable including helping them run their respective businesses alongside our own lives and work when we were in our prime in our 20's!
I've sat back and realised DH and I have done next to nothing for ourselves - it's all been for others whether friends, relatives, voluntary work, employers.
Sad that it's probably too late for us now as DH has had cancer for 8 years and on a slow downward trajectory.
We've definitely hammered it into our DS to put himself first, yes, be selfish to an extent, as no one else will look out for you if you don't look out for yourself - thankfully he's taken that on board and is "out there" doing his own thing, living his good life, moved away to a big city with a good job with a good employer. At least we can help ensure DS doesn't end up with the daily grind we suffered.

I've learnt the past two years is that you've got to guard your time like the precious resource it is. Others do!

I'm sick of people volunteering my time to plug gaps, fit in with a rota and do stuff they don't want to do. Then they go off and have a wonderful time whilst I'm on the brink of collapse and they never help in return. It's horrible. I refuse to be useful anymore.

You need to get rid of the partner and you need to hold firm with your parents.

You have a family problem and a partner problem.

the good news is you don’t have kids of your own because then there really is a level of responsibility.

push back on your parents and your partner. It’s your life. If you aren’t enjoying it then change it.
Start by being not available for your parents - sorry I’m busy that weekend.

You say your parents are "nearing elderly." They live two hours away. My parents live five hours away and drove down every few months until 2020, when my father was 86. They stayed three or four nights then drove back. Occasionally they stayed in a bed and breakfast locally.

I feel sorry for you, that must be hard, but the solution is within your power, which is simply to stand up for yourself and your legitimate need for time and space for yourself. Watching someone from the sidelines while they are playing football could be reasonable when the person is a child; a man who needs you to do this is either controlling or deluded. Parents who can see you are unwell but don’t recognise that they are part of the problem have to be told what you need. No one will do this for you, how could they?

You don't have to keep living like this. You can choose a life of happiness and peace if you want it.
No kid, no marriage, you are free to go wherever you want and do anything, you get one life.

Honestly OP I don’t know how your partner has manipulated you into being so passive and accepting of intolerable treatment by him. You are not a mum, yet he expects you to look after his kids but you’re not allowed to criticise their behaviour. Get out now OP! There is no happiness in this relationship! Your partner and his kids treat you like crap! Get out, be on your own, you’ll be much happier. Then sort out some boundaries with your family.

Yes. Your update clarifies that you are just an unpaid, mistreated nanny with a fanny. Why are you doing this?

You're a people pleaser.

Ditch this loser, tell your parents you'll be round when you get chance and take some time to learn who YOU are and what YOU want.

(Spoiler, this "partner" is not in the plan)

You don’t need to stay with your partner. You don’t need to see your parents every week. You are allowed to say no. Saying no might upset people, but that’s their problem. Go to therapy and talk about it. You sound depressed tbh.

Guessing the DP lives in your house? With his kids?

Ditch the freeloader and his kids, reclaim you own space, reclaim your peace.

You need to leave the relationship for a start, it’s not going to get better. He doesn’t seem to like you very much, most of what you describe is you supporting him, not the other way round.

What positive things does he actually bring to your life? As others have said, you’re not married and don’t have children, so you are free to leave. Don’t stick around hoping it will change and wasting your life. Leave him to his video games.

As for your parents and brother, you need to put some boundaries in place - tell them you will not be able to visit every week as you have other things going on - drop to every two or three weeks with phone calls in between.
If they throw a strop that’s their problem - people who care about you wouldn’t guilt trip you into being miserable. Your mothers anxiety is not your job to fix, you also seem to be struggling, so what are they doing to accommodate you?

Look you’re going to have to make some changes or it will continue like this and you will stay unhappy.

Another vote for leave the 'partner' (I'm sorry but what is he partnering you in, exactly? It doesn't sound like the two of you are much of a team), book some annual leave, and visit your parents once a month (or maybe once every 2 weeks to begin with if every 4 feels like too much of a drop initially).

I'd move out, your 'partner' sounds like a lazy tosser. Did he expect you to look after his kids?

This.

Sometimes life does seem a slog, but your partner sounds like a nightmare (is he expecting you to parent his children - is that what the nonsense about him being exhausted despite having the children 50% - therefore 50% child free time - and being between jobs with two weeks off, is about? ).

Your parents sound over-baring too, and I'm especially surprised your brother is so needy unless he has learning disabilities and is more reliant on his immediate family for that reason?

Dump the man and find your own place. Tell your parents that you're exhausted and need some time to yourself. You'll feel much better.

Hi op your overwhelmed first text parents say no I’m not ok feeling run down I need to put myself first so I will come every other week so I can do things for myself on the other day. I only get 2 days off and this is me having to travel to everyone else no one comes to me. Say my mental health is suffering. Take a few days of work just for yourself see your friends if it helps but don’t go and stand watching her partner play football say I need some girly time if your going to the football I will see you another time. If you live in your partners house maybe time to move out he can’t expect you not to warn his children of the danger of the shower it might have burnt him. Take time away if necessary go to a hotel in another city then do you. If you burn out no one is coming to help you. Life is far too short to put yourself last.

YABU
you only have one life and it’s up to you - choose to love it or choose to shackle yourself to a waste of space who makes you feel dreadful, is rude and inconsiderate, and does nothing to help you

your choice

What is 'nearly elderly' OP? I'm 66 and I go to visit my adult children because they work and I'm retired so my time is less valuable than theirs. If your parents can't or won't come to you then they have to accept seeing you less often. It's not up to the people who stay at home to dictate visits - they aren't royalty.

And your DP should be looking after his own children. They aren't yours. But, to be honest, I'd leave the whole boiling lot of them. I live alone and it's bliss. People keep trying to set me up with men and assume I'm lonely but it is quite the opposite.