Aibu to think that life is just you doing what every else wants and never being happy?

[Potatoread]

I don’t know if I’m being really selfish or unreasonable but I’m really exhausted by the expectations placed on me by everyone.

I work in a really busy and stressful job, 40 hours a week.

I live with my partner who has half custody of his children (both under the age of 6).

My mum and dad live two hours away.

I have 2 friends. One lives an hour away, the other 4 hours away.

I find my life extremely suffocating. Don’t get me wrong, I know I chose this life and I have only just started feeling like this recently.

There’s an expectation from my parents that I will see them weekly. And I WANT to see them. The journey there and back kills me, I’m exhausted. Yesterday I had to travel there as it was my brothers birthday and there was the expectation I’d stay late into the evening to celebrate. Didn’t get home until 10:30pm. Today, I have to do work this morning and then my friend is wanting to see me. Partner has a football match 2 hours away and will probably want me to go and watch him.

Parents were upset that I didn’t stay later last night and sent me messages saying they were worried about my wellbeing and I didn’t look well, encouraging me to speak to them.

Partner will get upset that I’ve spent yesterday with my parents and today with my friend (if I do go). He’ll say he’s exhausted and needs a break. He’s now in between jobs and so he’s been off for 2 weeks and doesn’t start his new (part time) job until September.

I get told that everything I’m doing is not done “right” - brother puts pressure on me to see him and my parents very regularly, if I don’t, I’m not prioritising them. Partner puts pressure on me to be at home with him a lot, and if I don’t I get told I’m “tapping out of family life”

Partner can make plans to do what he wants but I’m expected to tag along or support him, ie the football matches.

I just feel like I’m drowning, I never get even half a day to do what I want to do. I’ve taken to saying I’m working late and just spend the time walking around the city centre, maybe getting a coffee and just building myself up to go home.

The house is constantly a mess. There’s no effort of making the house nice for me when I get home, can’t remember the last time someone made me a meal.

I feel guilty that at the weekends I want out the house, but then when I’m out I feel overwhelmed with guilt and feel I need to get home. Last night I thought partner would want me home but when I got in he was just playing video games and we sat with him doing that til we fell asleep.

I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel anything. We had an argument two weeks ago about something he did and I was too exhausted to even sort it out properly just snapped back to him talking to me normally.

I’m back at work tomorrow. And the whole week starts again. I’m so exhausted. If I sleep too much I get told I’m wasting the day, if I’m not full on chatty I get told I’m moody, if I go out I get told I’m selfish.

Anyone else feel like this

Op your whole post sounds sad.
Ditch the partner, he’s making your life harder not easier and seems to be bringing absolutely nothing to the table.
Explain to your parents that they are right to be worried, you are exhausted and need to scale back the visits. You can catch up with them on FaceTime or the phone or whatever. Spend a whole weekend just doing what you want, you sound like you are totally spent from servicing everyone’s needs bar your own and unless you take active steps to change it, it won’t change by itself.
It’s not selfish to prioritise your own needs.

Tell your parents that yes, they’re correct, you don’t feel well and you can’t visit them weekly. Go every other week or once a month.
You do not need to watch your partner play football. In fact, your relationship with your partner doesn’t sound good at all.
He doesn’t do any chores even though he appears to have more time available, isn’t supportive and puts more demands on you.

Reduce the visits and football from now, give yourself space to think about your relationship.

You’ll be happy if you allow yourself to be. That means getting some help to establish boundaries with others.

Early this week I was so furious with my husband and kids over a shithole kitchen, with nobody else doing anything for 24 hours that I went on strike. They needed a boot up their arses. It worked. If people treat you like shit call them out on it.

Hmmm. A lot to unpack here.

Your partner doesn't sound like he wants to make you happy, for starters. Also your parents - why don't they ever come to you? 2 hours every weekend is a lot to travel, when do you do your own things? For example, what do you do for your health, hobbies and self-development, and when?

When I was young I saw some people living like this, pandering to the will of others.

I was determined not to do this, as I saw how unhappy and desperate and borderline breaking down these people were.

Maybe I am the opposite but I don't think about what others might want or expect much at all, unless they specifically ask me. I don't exist to be other people's companion and lady in waiting. In fact, I do what makes me happy.

It feels like you have been programmed and raised to think this is your role, the way you describe your feelings around guilt when you don't stay with someone long enough, or aren't at home.

Even thoughts like 'I thought my partner wanted me at home but I found him there just playing video games'.

It would require a whole reset and probably a lot of work on yourself. But unless they are going through a tough time or physically ill, an adult will be able to entertain themselves when you are not available. Clearly in this situation, they were perfectly fine and did not want you or need you.

So thought process in this situation could be:

• It is irrelevant what they want, one doesn't get everything they want every minute of the day
• Even if they want me there, unfortunately I have my own plans tonight and am unavailable until later

Unfortunately what I see is that people that martyr themselves like that are not respected and values by the people in their lives. If you are always available and always come running, people come to expect it. You need to have more respect for yourself and your wants and needs, in terms of mental and physical health.

The alternative is that you break down and become bitter.

If you have more respect for yourself and your own identity, not just being defined as a runner and helper for others, they will respect and admire you more, and not work you to the ground.

And if not... As far as my eye can see, living alone and not in constant contact ith everyone is a better quality of life, than being stuck in a dynamic that upsets you and allows people to take advantage of your accommodating nature.

My parents are nearing being elderly and I wouldn’t expect them to come and see me. My brother had never been to my house, ever. I don’t have a problem seeing them regularly, but requests to meet half way for lunch have been declined. My mum has quite a lot of social anxiety and finds travelling hard.

My partner is a perpetual teenager. He says to me that I need to “chill”, which involves sitting in the lounge with him on video games and his kids playing with bricks etc or on their iPad. I find it so overstimulating.

This morning I saw his little boy attempting to stand in the shower and turn it on. I raised my voice “please don’t do that, get out of there”. 5 minutes later partner came into me and asked why I was shouting (I wasn’t) and started saying not to speak to his children like that, when I explained he was in the shower, my partner said “it’s not your bathroom” (?). Partners son came in and started raising his voice st me too, imitating his dad “listen, you listen, I wasn’t in the shower”. He’s only 5.

I just feel like I’m this person watching my life and just so unhappy. I feel like I’m slipping into a crisis or depression.

what makes it all worse is that my partner is aware of how stressful I found yesterday. He said my family were selfish, that I should do what I wanted and not care what others thought… then the next day making me feel shit for going to see a friend.

Going to see my friend today. I’ll probably tell her everything. She’s very helpful and will make me feel heard