Aibu to think that life is just you doing what every else wants and never being happy?

[Potatoread]

I don’t know if I’m being really selfish or unreasonable but I’m really exhausted by the expectations placed on me by everyone.

I work in a really busy and stressful job, 40 hours a week.

I live with my partner who has half custody of his children (both under the age of 6).

My mum and dad live two hours away.

I have 2 friends. One lives an hour away, the other 4 hours away.

I find my life extremely suffocating. Don’t get me wrong, I know I chose this life and I have only just started feeling like this recently.

There’s an expectation from my parents that I will see them weekly. And I WANT to see them. The journey there and back kills me, I’m exhausted. Yesterday I had to travel there as it was my brothers birthday and there was the expectation I’d stay late into the evening to celebrate. Didn’t get home until 10:30pm. Today, I have to do work this morning and then my friend is wanting to see me. Partner has a football match 2 hours away and will probably want me to go and watch him.

Parents were upset that I didn’t stay later last night and sent me messages saying they were worried about my wellbeing and I didn’t look well, encouraging me to speak to them.

Partner will get upset that I’ve spent yesterday with my parents and today with my friend (if I do go). He’ll say he’s exhausted and needs a break. He’s now in between jobs and so he’s been off for 2 weeks and doesn’t start his new (part time) job until September.

I get told that everything I’m doing is not done “right” - brother puts pressure on me to see him and my parents very regularly, if I don’t, I’m not prioritising them. Partner puts pressure on me to be at home with him a lot, and if I don’t I get told I’m “tapping out of family life”

Partner can make plans to do what he wants but I’m expected to tag along or support him, ie the football matches.

I just feel like I’m drowning, I never get even half a day to do what I want to do. I’ve taken to saying I’m working late and just spend the time walking around the city centre, maybe getting a coffee and just building myself up to go home.

The house is constantly a mess. There’s no effort of making the house nice for me when I get home, can’t remember the last time someone made me a meal.

I feel guilty that at the weekends I want out the house, but then when I’m out I feel overwhelmed with guilt and feel I need to get home. Last night I thought partner would want me home but when I got in he was just playing video games and we sat with him doing that til we fell asleep.

I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel anything. We had an argument two weeks ago about something he did and I was too exhausted to even sort it out properly just snapped back to him talking to me normally.

I’m back at work tomorrow. And the whole week starts again. I’m so exhausted. If I sleep too much I get told I’m wasting the day, if I’m not full on chatty I get told I’m moody, if I go out I get told I’m selfish.

Anyone else feel like this

@Potatoread to answer the question in your title, no that isn’t what life has to be like.
You’re prioritising everyone else in your life over yourself and feel guilty for doing anything for you.
I don’t have kids and neither do you. That gives me freedom over my free time.

Your parents understandably want to see you but doing a 4 hour round trip once a week is madness.

Your partner sounds selfish and useless.
He’s not being a good, supportive partner to you and I’d bet his parenting isn’t great either based on what you’re said.

Do you love him? What do you get out of this relationship?

Sounds like you need to make some changes and start being more selfish. It’s not a bad thing to put yourself first. Everyone else in this scenario is.

I don't agree with your title so I've said YABU. But actually it does certainly sound like that is what your life is like.

The main issue seems to be your DP. From what you say, he doesn't really seem to care about you at all, he just expects you to take the lions share of caring for his kids. I know mumsnet loves a LTB. But I do think you need to have a long hard think about what he contributes to your life. How does he make it better? Because if actually what you get is more cooking, cleaning, washing etc and the expectation that you will just do what he wants, that isn't a partnership at all.

With regards to your parents, a 4 hour round trip weekly is too much. I think you need to say you are cutting it down to every 2 weeks (which is still a lot!). And maybe the in-between weeks you facetime or something.

You need to develop a little healthy selfishness.

This.

Imagine what having your own little place would be like. No one to make it messy. No one to moan about what time you get up or what you’re doing. No one trying to make you responsible for “family time” with kids that aren’t even yours!!

Your body is trying to tell you something, listen to it.

Why the fuck are you putting up with being spoken to like this? And if this is how his 5yo is now, it’s going to only get worse as he grows!!!

who’s house is it?

Isn’t it time to start living YOUR life?

First of all your partner needs to partner up or he needs to go.
Talk to your parents and brother to let them know you need you time you are going to prioritise you.
Why does a grown arse man need you watching him at footy im sorry but he sounds pathetic needs to step up and care for you.
We do this we keep on keeping on giving while others just take take take.
Ive been here .. stop and set some boundaries time to start putting yourself first its self care x

This sounds like a horrible situation to be in. Firstly I think you need to stop and recharge now before you burn out. Tell your parents that they were right to worry about your wellbeing because you’re overwhelmed after so long exhausting yourself to please everyone and not getting to rest and recharge and for that reason you’re not visiting next weekend. I’d then tell your partner that you need to put yourself first and book yourself a 2 night stay in a hotel. Take some sick leave if necessary. When your partner challenges you tell him that’s not you “tapping out of family life” but taking care of yourself, since you don’t see anyone else trying to take care of you. Hopefully that gives you space to think about what you really want, and gives everyone in your life a clear message that you can’t carry on as things are and you feel no one cares about you. In the longer term i’d highly recommend finding a therapist who can support you with boundary setting, people pleasing behaviours and self-esteem.

Read the book The Body Says No by Gabor Mate. It changed my life.

if you say no to someone because you are burnt out and they kick off, they don’t love you in the way they should be. People who love you are kind, supportive and not needy.

Visit the family fortnightly. Just tell them you need rest. Tell partner you need time and will not also be attending every football game. Take that time back, If they sulk, they sulk, but are you happy with that man enough to stay forever with him?

absolutely this. Don't, for goodness sake, get pregnant. A man who leaves a wife and two very young children and who is then so critical of you doesn't sound like a long-term option.

shocking and disgusting they are treating you like an outsider! Leave him now while you still have your mind intact. Horrible man and child will get worse.

If you got rid of the partner, think how easy your life would be. By all means date, but don’t cohabitate.

This is because you are servicing other people's families - your boyfriend's family with his children, and your parents' family which includes your brother. You should be concentrating on building your own space - your family and for that you need to find a new man. There is only one of you and too many other families. Dump him.

The first thing you need to do (and I very rarely say this) is dump your partner, also known on Mumsnet as LTB! He's a waste of space and is dragging you down. Get rid.

Your partner wants a nanny for his children and a housekeeper . If he’s not currently working then he’s taking advantage. Leave him and move closer to your parents who obviously love you and are worried about you.

You need to rethink your relationship - life shouldn’t be this miserable and exhausting.

Tbh from what you’ve said H sounds lazy and self centred - it looks like he’s the one making you unhappy too.
Perhaps there’s a reason his last relationship failed?? Is he the reason??
I believe I would be happier on my own rather than in a relationship like this - think it through.

Sorry ,but this is a partner problem, possibly your brother to
Men being demanding

OP I recognise a lot of this in me, it's like an invisible expectation I put on myself. It's like I decide I have this pressure on me and other people's expectations but I have started to realise that a lot of it has come from me internally.
I feel like I can't have a day out but really I know I can. Yes my husband and son 'expect' me to spend the weekend at home because that's what I always do, there's nothing stopping me announcing I am off to the beach for the day, alone.
.....but I don't, it feels easier not to, it feels like I'm inconveniencing everyone if I took myself off for the day, I know they want to come with me so I just go along with the usual plans.
It sounds like you actually have the pressure and expectations being put onto you by other people as well as feeling them within yourself. I do agree your partner doesn't sound like a positive in your life, it's easy to say 'get rid' but this is hard when you hate to disappoint people. Just think you are disappointed by him so time to disappoint him back.

The worst that can happen is all these people won't be happy with you and really is that the end of the world? You aren't happy with your life as it currently is so why not try mixing things up to try and improve things.

Start small, purposely disappoint someone on purpose to try and get used to the awkward feeling that comes with that.

I definitely think a lot of women come to these realisations at this stage in life but it's your job to put things right, take your time back, good luck.

LTB
your life will improve immensely and immediately

You literally have one life. Just one. And you don't get awards at the end.
Do you want to get to the end and look back at this? No!!!
You have a partner problem - if you seriously think about it, how much joy Vs stress does he bring to your life? How much happier would you be living alone without him and his children? Find your path and take it, to hell with everyone else

You are being totally unreasonable, "the expectations placed on you by everybody", YOU are the one agreeing to these expectations!! You are TELLING everyone how to treat you. Stop it NOW.

And NO, I don't feel like this. Because I wouldn't ALLOW myself to be in that position.

It's hard at this stage, but they say we just have to have faith we'll get our time later, when (on average) we'll likely have aches and pains/more health issues-this is the busy time. And yes, obviously some people our age do have serious issues and it's not easy.

Please dump your partner, you can do much better, and set better boundaries with your parents and brother.