Aibu to think that life is just you doing what every else wants and never being happy?

[Potatoread]

I don’t know if I’m being really selfish or unreasonable but I’m really exhausted by the expectations placed on me by everyone.

I work in a really busy and stressful job, 40 hours a week.

I live with my partner who has half custody of his children (both under the age of 6).

My mum and dad live two hours away.

I have 2 friends. One lives an hour away, the other 4 hours away.

I find my life extremely suffocating. Don’t get me wrong, I know I chose this life and I have only just started feeling like this recently.

There’s an expectation from my parents that I will see them weekly. And I WANT to see them. The journey there and back kills me, I’m exhausted. Yesterday I had to travel there as it was my brothers birthday and there was the expectation I’d stay late into the evening to celebrate. Didn’t get home until 10:30pm. Today, I have to do work this morning and then my friend is wanting to see me. Partner has a football match 2 hours away and will probably want me to go and watch him.

Parents were upset that I didn’t stay later last night and sent me messages saying they were worried about my wellbeing and I didn’t look well, encouraging me to speak to them.

Partner will get upset that I’ve spent yesterday with my parents and today with my friend (if I do go). He’ll say he’s exhausted and needs a break. He’s now in between jobs and so he’s been off for 2 weeks and doesn’t start his new (part time) job until September.

I get told that everything I’m doing is not done “right” - brother puts pressure on me to see him and my parents very regularly, if I don’t, I’m not prioritising them. Partner puts pressure on me to be at home with him a lot, and if I don’t I get told I’m “tapping out of family life”

Partner can make plans to do what he wants but I’m expected to tag along or support him, ie the football matches.

I just feel like I’m drowning, I never get even half a day to do what I want to do. I’ve taken to saying I’m working late and just spend the time walking around the city centre, maybe getting a coffee and just building myself up to go home.

The house is constantly a mess. There’s no effort of making the house nice for me when I get home, can’t remember the last time someone made me a meal.

I feel guilty that at the weekends I want out the house, but then when I’m out I feel overwhelmed with guilt and feel I need to get home. Last night I thought partner would want me home but when I got in he was just playing video games and we sat with him doing that til we fell asleep.

I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel anything. We had an argument two weeks ago about something he did and I was too exhausted to even sort it out properly just snapped back to him talking to me normally.

I’m back at work tomorrow. And the whole week starts again. I’m so exhausted. If I sleep too much I get told I’m wasting the day, if I’m not full on chatty I get told I’m moody, if I go out I get told I’m selfish.

Anyone else feel like this

I agree that the worst bit is the partner problem - he doesn’t seem to be enhancing your life at all. I would get rid of him first and move to your own tidy and peaceful place, with no one nagging about “family life” when you don’t do their childcare for them.

Also you need better boundaries with your family. I would say not one big speech about how you’ll be different from now on, as no one listens to these things, just be less available when asked. “Ooh no, I’m exhausted this weekend so I won’t be there / I’m not free” etc

Your friends should be more understanding. Can they not travel to you sometimes? Or when you moved could you be a tiny bit nearer to any friends? I say this because I think friends can be important to one’s sanity.

Thinking about the things you would like to do - resting sounds like a high priority but also make time for your own interests. Is there a hobby you’d like to do? If you’re busy doing these sometimes that’s perfectly valid and no one should pressure you otherwise. When you get rid of the nagging partner you’ll like have more time for these anyway!

Your problem is that you're prioritising everyone else's wants before your own needs. You know this. It is unsustainable.

Your parents and brother - learn how to say no. Visit less, invite them to visit you or meet halfway. If they are unhappy, let them be. You are not responsible for making everyone happy.

Your partner - he sounds like a deadweight to be honest. He isn't working yet doesn't keep the house clean or prepare an evening meal while you are at work! He expects you to prioritise his wants and his children over your own needs. What is he bringing to your life exactly? I would seriously consider if this relationship is good or healthy for you or if you would be better off single and able to spend time doing what you want to in your limited free time.

No-one can make the changes needed in your life except you. Ask yourself why you feel anxious about upsetting people who make demands of you without any consideration for your health and wellbeing. You need to put yourself first sometimes. It's not healthy to live your life meeting other's needs and ignoring your own.

You're BU for putting up with this. Your partner should be doing the housework if he's not working. Your parents can be brought to visit you by your brother, if they can't travel themselves? Or tell them your expected visits are too much too often.
You don't need to watch your partner play football if you don't want to.
Stop pandering to them all, who made them the boss of you?
I'd be tempted to book a week off work and go for a cottage holiday on my own. And maybe tell your partner to not be there when you get back.

Sounds like some boundaries are needed here! My parents live nearly 2 hours away and while I see them a lot during term time as I work up there, during the school holidays less so. We generally meet half way at a garden centre for breakfast or lunch I won’t often do there and back again on the same day as it’s exhausting and I certainly wouldn’t be doing it weekly! Do your parents drive? is meeting half way doable for them? Or you brother drive them as he’s so eager to see you? (interesting to see how eager he will be if he has to do some of the driving!) I also wouldn’t arrange to see a friend on the same weekend as parents as that leaves you will no relaxing time/ family time. Again with friends I will often meet half way or go up for a few days to visit.
My cousin lives 4 hours away and I sadly only see her in person once or twice a year but I and DH sometimes comes too will go up for a long visit. We’ve just got back from 4 days seeing her and we speak on the phone twice a week.
What your currently doing is unsustainable and no wonder you’re getting burnt out!!

A two hour drive each way to see parents EVERY WEEK? That is way too much. Agree that they come to see you, or you cut the visits. Explain to your partner that you're knackered and don;t want to watch football. Or look after his kids.

It's OK to put yourself first for once.

If you’re working and he’s not then it is unfair for you to be doing a major domestic shift too. He can start by cooking dinner 2-3 nights a week.

Every adult (barring disabilities or infirmity) should be able to prepare proper meals. If he can guilt trip you about “tapping out of family life” (WTF they’re are his kids and you are not married) then you can guilt trip him back about not cooking etc….

And skip his stupid football match, have a strategic headache if you need an excuse….

You’re in a relatively new relationship so you should be feeling loved up and excited to see each other.

Work out what your boundaries are and stick to them. There is absolutely no reason you have to stay late into the evening at your parents if that doesn’t work.

Me and my DH are quite selfish compared to a lot of other parents we know. We go on holiday without the kids, our lives do not revolve around them, we don’t watch kids shows or listen to kids bop or any of that. I genuinely think it makes us better parents because it means we’re happier. We really changed after our second was born because we realised we were not happy and we were living like roommates. I think putting yourself first helps you to be the best version of yourself - and your kids deserve that. Start being selfish.

Also your partner sounds like a bit of a twat.

I have done the same. That's why I have been married for 30 years.

None of that is ‘selfish’. You’re not shoving in front in queues, you’re just centring your own needs at times.

Life would be so much easier if you lived separately to your partner, then you could do what you want. Who owns the property,

Fuck that for a game of cards.

Decide

1. what makes you happy
2. what makes you unhappy

Do 1 don’t do 2.

if your brother wants to see you he can drive the 2 hours and bring your parents. Your DH is not 3 he can attend a football gave without you cheering on from the sidelines (how embarrassing for him if he needs this as a fully grown adult)

that sounds like a lot of stress.

Take a break from your partner. Can you stay with your parents for 2 weeks and do nothing?

Tell your parents and brother you are exhausted, maybe explain what you wrote in the OP? Tell your "partner" to shape up or ship out. Or ship him out.

You both live in the house, then you are both responsible for keeping it clean and tidy. If his children spend time there, tough for him but he is responsible for cleaning up after him.

If you can't take a break and go away, take a break and stay where you are. Do the minimum you need to get through the day alive, and that is it. Please yourself with meals, going out, who you see and when you see them.

Point out to your parents and brother that they can visit you too, and that you aren't going up for a while (inside you can think: i am not going up until after they have been to me)

You need to speak up and if people get upset that is their problem. My parents are also 2 hours away and I see them once a month/every six weeks depending on work and child commitments. They have never put pressure on me to see them more even though they’d like it (as would I). They know I’m doing what I can, as is my other sibling. You should tell them you are exhausted and will see them say every other week or once a month.
If your brother puts pressure, ignore him, he does not dictate your life. If he wants to see you why doesn’t he drive to you and/or drive your parents once a month? You are the one putting in the leg work.
Your partner sounds an idiot to be honest. He’s a grown up and can go see the football by himself or with friends. He should be looking after you. That’s what a partnership is, you look after each other. If he’s not doing that, you need to think seriously about how you want your life to be.
It may not feel it but you have agency here about how your life can be. It likely feels very hard and impossible for things to change and I would really recommend seeing a therapist to unpack things. On the face of it, it sounds like a pattern of you doing the running and people telling you its not enough. You have to take care of you as no one else. You are not selfish to prioritise yourself.

I suspect you would be much happier if you separated from your needy partner.

What is your housing situation? I am assuming you have no DC yourself?

What’s your housing situation? I hope you’re not providing childcare ?
If he’s not working atm he needs to do majority of the housework and definitely his own childcare.
Hopefully he’s got savings and you’re not subsidising his time off snd working PT ?
Honestly I’d dump him.

As others have said, your partner is the main problem here.

Speak to your parents, they can see that all is not well and will want to support you .

You need to start investing in you and putting boundaries in place.
Dont feel the need to do everything everyone else wants. Do what you feel you can manage. If it means less then that’s fine.
Maybe look at what would be manageable.
ie. Visit patents once a month, dont feel obliged to watch partner play football. Explain that you are shattered. Explain you need more help with housework. If DO does not agree then you need to think about your relationship.
We all get overwhelmed at some point. I know I did so I explained to husband and he agreed and helped more. We came up with a plan.
I told DS d only watch him play football at home matches as I felt weekends were lost to his football.
Also book a day off work to do something nice like a Spa day.
You sound burnt out so it’s time you made changes.

Maybe sit down - away from your home on a quiet bench or quiet cafe or even in a Church (as they are often peaceful) and work out what’s reasonable for you.
Eg 1 weekend a month is just for you. You don’t visit anyone unless you really want to and then it’s a maximum of 30 minutes drive.
1 Saturday a month is for your partner - you plan this together on advance.
Write them out. Sit on in and then amend of keep them.
You sound exhausted and I’m not surprised. It really isn’t that reasonable to see your parents every weekend at the distance apart you are from each other.
It’s not necessarily a thing to watch a partners football match - unless they maybe are in the final of something. And then only if you want to. It’s his hobby not yours.
Work our time for yourself first and then fitting in everyone else.
Do your parents ever come to you? A start would be alternating the visit you, you visit them.

It seems like getting rid of your partner would solve a lot of problems. (Why in the name of God is he not sorting dinners while he’s off, and doing a bit of cleaning). And watching his matches?? WTF?

Tell your parents you are too exhausted to visit them weekly, and phone them instead. And tell your friends that you are on the verge of collapse and need to recharge your batteries by properly resting for the weekend.

You are not thinking clearly because you are so wrecked. The people putting pressure on you should be the first to support you to look after yourself.

If they don’t, look after yourself anyway. You’ll be transformed once you start taking some time for yourself, and much better equipped to deal with any fallout.

Yet another vote for the hapless oaf you live with being the issue. Off for the past two weeks and not working again until September and he's "exhausted"? Aw, diddums.

Its not just your partner. Its your family too that are a problem. YABU to think life is: others say jump and you say how high. You need therapy otherwise you will continue to let family, partners and friends control you. Maybe your family trained you to behave this way, but you need to train yourself out of it.

Do you say yes a lot?

I’ve always been head strong, even as a kid. If I don’t like something, then I don’t like it and I don’t get involved. I am very helpful, but I also know how to prioritise the stuff on my plate before lending a hand to others - as we all need to have energy for ourselves before giving our energy to others.

I think you are in too deep with your commitments. You almost need a reset.

I would take a week off. I would book myself a holiday, time away at a friends for a whole week or even a month. A week seems more realistic.

Sorry but if your partner can do it, you should be able to do.

And I think one of the hardest things about your situation is the negative self talk you have started giving yourself because if the way the people around you have pulled responsibility on you. Don’t feel bad for putting yourself first. I know it’s hard, I’m a mum, have parents that rely on me for certain things and a partner. However at the beginning of our relationship, I have always explained that I have things I have embedded in my routine and we both respect each others “me time”.

definitely take a break from your life, and think about what you want and what you need to do to give yourself a break and the life you want.

I'm married with kids but do what I want alot of the time. Gym, walks, solo cinema trips, meeting friends - we have a balance between time as a family, time as a couple, and time alone to do what we want to do. My work is longer / more intense than my DH so he takes on more of the household stuff. It might be selfish but I don't really worry about what others are expecting me to do - i prioritise my needs most of the time e.g. yesterday we had a big day out for my FIL then my DH wanted to go back and stay at his with the kids and come home late Sunday. I am knackered after a mad week at work and alot of work travel so I chose to come home alone. I had a lie in and am currently enjoying my empty house and about to go to gym. DH and kids having a great time with his dad and they will be home later. We are all happy.

I honestly think you would be better off single OP and you need to set boundaries with your family. It's ok to prioritise your own needs

You have recognised that there is a huge problem in how you live your life; it’s not working for you. Trust how you feel about that.

All these people are making demands on you and you’re submitting to them to the point of utter exhaustion.

Have you wondered about why you’re unable to say ‘no’ to the demands? It’s not just your partner—it’s your job and your parents—perhaps others too.

Understanding yourself better would help you to know how you contribute to these relationship dynamics and strengthen you. Good therapy might help.

If what others have suggested feels urgent and right, eg ditch your partner, trust your gut. Certainly you should tell your parents that it is too exhausting for you to drive 4 hours round trip every week! Not sure what has prevented you from saying and doing that.