Aibu or am I just being a bad person?

[Zaina89]

So every year my mother in law and father in law come from Pakistan. They arrived here on Wednesday for 3 months. They go between 3 houses, ours my sil and bil house. But they mostly stay with me and my husband at our house.
I have 3 children, the youngest who is 2 and a half.
i dread them coming every year, I’m constantly in the kitchen, people always coming around my house, always meet ups, constantly cleaning.
the summer holidays are ruined every year, I don’t have a big enough car so I can’t take the kids out and I don’t like leaving them in my house alone.

im constantly told how big my legs and hips are and that I need to do things to slim down. Im really not feeling well for the past couple of years, a lot of it is anxiety and panic attacks and stress, but I think I may have lipodema, I also have reticular veins appearing all over my thighs and I’m only 28. I feel fatigued all the time, racing heart, my blood tests always come back clear, my most recent one was last month and no reason why I should be feeling fatigued medically. I always wake up tired.

they arrived on Wednesday and every single day since then my in laws (19 of us in total) have been around every single day. Some times till 2am, sometimes till 11/12 and they won’t leave. I’m constantly cleaning up and in the kitchen because they want things.
i asked my sister in law( husbands sister) on the day they arrived that I don’t feel well and if we’re going to meet up we should start doing one dish party’s from now on and she looked at me with a weird face and said “ we help each other anyway”.

im so exhausted, last night they was here till 12 and my husbands brothers wife told me they’ve made a plan to come around today as well. Not sure about my husbands sister.
ive been in tears since last night, chest pains, panic attacks. I’m not sleeping waking up during the night with a fast heartbeat.
im supposed to be going out today with the kids and now I feel like it’s yet another thing I should cancel because they have told me they are turning up.
I can’t live like this for 3 months. My husband says he feels bad but “what can I do”.

Im absolutely exhausted, I feel ill and it’s only day 5. I just always get made to be out the bad person who can’t open the house up to people

Your husband says he feels bad? How about your husband gets in the kitchen and keeps everyone fed, your husband keeps the house tidy and your husband keeps everybody entertained.

His family are not your responsibility. You don’t even need to be in the house whilst they’re there, leave him to it.

If my partner saw how much I was struggling with his family visit and that it was literally effecting my health he’d stop the visit there and then. Your husband doesn’t care.

And don’t even get me started on them commenting on your body. I wouldn’t be spending time with anyone who did that and my husband wouldn’t be standing for it either.

Stop letting culture and traditions be excuses for poor behaviour.

I'm not making excuses. Pakistani culture is massively geared towards men being the head of the household and women being subservient and submissive.

The likelihood of this bloke going "oh, actually, I will start doing my share" is so tiny as to be zero. It won't happen (partially, like you say, because it suits him, but also because it's massively ingrained into him).

This isn't a Western marriage where OP can just stand up for herself and walk away if she's unhappy.

You ARE making excuses because a grown man can change that 'likelihood' any time he chooses to.

Culture and traditions are not law.

This guy won't because quite frankly, his wife being upset and run ragged doesn't bother him on single jot.

Not to try to diagnose you, but some of your symptoms align with POTS especially in the absence of other issues in your blood works( this is not to say that they may be caused by sometimes entirely different) but perhaps it’s worth exploring? You sound absolutely rundown and exhausted, sending love.

No, I'm just being realistic.

Of course he can change but he won't.

Not all Pakistani families are like this one btw. Their treatment of you is awful, it’s not all down to culture.

I've clearly not read the whole thread & didn't realise her family were abusive. I apologise.

Well there you go then.

Stop blaming culture and tradition when you know he can change but won't.

That's on him and nothing else.

It's really not as simple as you're trying to make it out to be

It can take decades to undo this shit. It won't happen overnight.

Don't apologise.

The OP hasn't mentioned violence even once, or said that if she rebels she is 'genuinely risking her kid's lives'.

This was posted by a PP who appears to be tarring the OP's family with a huge stereotypical brush.

A wise woman once said: “Fuck that shit!” And that’s what you need to do.

I wouldn’t get out of bed for at least three days. I’d let everyone know I was suffering from exhaustion, and that I was not able to do anything including childcare. I’d leave the in-laws to do it all, including checking on you and bringing you food. Let your husband feel the full pressure that his family bring.

To me it sounds like you’re on course for burn out, so this action is only pre-empting what’s coming.

On day 4, I’d get out of bed and sit downstairs and expect everyone to continue waiting on you until you feel you can/want to get stuck in again.

Let this be a warning to your husband and in-laws about imposing on you.

OP, you say you 'reverted' to Islam, was this a faith you were in previously and left, to return to it for your marriage?
I only ask because if you were brought up as Muslim did your family behave differently, as in, not putting all the burden on one woman, and could they support you maybe by coming round to at least lend a hand or a voice from the same culture?

A revert is the name used for someone who converts to Islam as an adult.

Last year OP was 28 with a 9 year old, and married for 10 years. So she can’t have been very adult at the time of reverting.

I do wonder whether she was escaping something else.

This totally. It's interesting that other cultures seem to envigle themselves into being the one to be most respected to the detriment of the British culture.

Why don't you feel you can leave them on their own in the gouse and go out with the kids? Do you not trust your inlaws and extended family not to snoop?

Personally, when husband says 'what can I do about it' the response will be if you don't arrange something else you will be doing the cooking and cleaning. Or book an air b and b for you and kids for the next few weeks. Move out and let him deal with it all

This is definitely worse nightmare territory but unless your husband grows a backbone and does something about it you will get nowhere.
It would be enough for me to want a divorce I’m afraid - I couldn’t do it for a week never mind 3 months!

Thank you

Take the kids out. Why should they fuck yo your kids holidays and your health. Go stay with your mum and let your twat dh deal with them.

Well yes, probably.

Again, a complete lack of cultural awareness. She would be the one moving out if anything, but more likely she'd be subjected to some form of physical and/or emotional violence. Her husband is not going to "deal with it", end of.

One. You are generalising that all people from certain cultures are abusive. OP has not said this.

Two. If this were the case I'd strongly suggest OP moves out and gets herself and children somewhere safe.

Why though? If she stopped waiting on everyone and did her own thing, what could they actually do about it? Why is it "not happening"? If she does it, it's happening. Nobody else can actually control what OP chooses to do.

OP, tell your husband he can feed his family himself, and do something else. And the phrase you're looking for is "please don't comment on my body".

You don't have to agree to be a mug just because your dh is from a certain culture! The fact that you're English should make it easier for them to understand that their ways don't work in your house. Let them think you're uptight or weird- they are the ones that are rude as fuck!

I would tell them that from now on you only come when invited and you tell them that you need to go to bed at (hour you wan so they can go home or stay whispering. Take command in your own house- your children do not want a mum who's exhausted and crying because their pils have no limits and their dad is a wet lettuce.