Aibu or am I just being a bad person?

[Zaina89]

So every year my mother in law and father in law come from Pakistan. They arrived here on Wednesday for 3 months. They go between 3 houses, ours my sil and bil house. But they mostly stay with me and my husband at our house.
I have 3 children, the youngest who is 2 and a half.
i dread them coming every year, I’m constantly in the kitchen, people always coming around my house, always meet ups, constantly cleaning.
the summer holidays are ruined every year, I don’t have a big enough car so I can’t take the kids out and I don’t like leaving them in my house alone.

im constantly told how big my legs and hips are and that I need to do things to slim down. Im really not feeling well for the past couple of years, a lot of it is anxiety and panic attacks and stress, but I think I may have lipodema, I also have reticular veins appearing all over my thighs and I’m only 28. I feel fatigued all the time, racing heart, my blood tests always come back clear, my most recent one was last month and no reason why I should be feeling fatigued medically. I always wake up tired.

they arrived on Wednesday and every single day since then my in laws (19 of us in total) have been around every single day. Some times till 2am, sometimes till 11/12 and they won’t leave. I’m constantly cleaning up and in the kitchen because they want things.
i asked my sister in law( husbands sister) on the day they arrived that I don’t feel well and if we’re going to meet up we should start doing one dish party’s from now on and she looked at me with a weird face and said “ we help each other anyway”.

im so exhausted, last night they was here till 12 and my husbands brothers wife told me they’ve made a plan to come around today as well. Not sure about my husbands sister.
ive been in tears since last night, chest pains, panic attacks. I’m not sleeping waking up during the night with a fast heartbeat.
im supposed to be going out today with the kids and now I feel like it’s yet another thing I should cancel because they have told me they are turning up.
I can’t live like this for 3 months. My husband says he feels bad but “what can I do”.

Im absolutely exhausted, I feel ill and it’s only day 5. I just always get made to be out the bad person who can’t open the house up to people

Are you of Pakistani heritage, op?

I agree it's intolerable and I agree it shouldn't be happening in the UK. But it's rather glib to tell another woman to be "brave" and change centuries of cultural expectations. She's on her own and in a vulnerable position. At best she will be ostracised from this family and (if she is of the same culture) most probably her own too. And at worst, I dread to think. Do you honestly think in a culture where women are barely second class citizens that any of them are going to suddenly see the light because she rebelled.

Go out with your DC today, take the day for your family

Her husband also married into OPs culture, assuming they are from different cultures. Why does OP have to be a slave to it ?

My husband says he feels bad but “what can I do”.

Well he can host and clear up after his family and you take the kids out as planned. Family or not they can’t expect you to not have your own plans in 3 months

Just go out with the kids for the day and leave your husband to deal with it, surely he can see it’s too much.
alternatively just say the kids need a routine and it’s too much everyday and they will have to host at another family members

It may not of ever happened in the universe of Pakistani mothers but OP isn’t in Pakistan, so whilst they may have what they do in their culture not everyone in the world abides by that

I don’t have a big enough car so I can’t take the kids out and I don’t like leaving them in my house alone.

3 kids? Unless you have a 2 seater there are enough seats in your car, surely? 2 in the back and 1 in the front. Or take your husband’s car (because surely you have at least one car you can all fit in)?

Either your husband puts an end to this (I suspect he won’t) or you make yourself unavailable. Can you go and stay with your family?

Can you just say sorry but you are not well enough to cook and clean up after them . If they want to stay your husband has to step up and he and they need to do the cooking and cleaning. Then if they don't get the message go to bed and stay there. Or take your children and stay with your family for the summer holidays

Darling, please re-read your threads from last year. Nothing is going to change unless you change it. Your children deserve better. Please leave. You will all have a better life if you do.

Because that's how it more often than not works in Pakistani culture. This is the role expected of her and this will be her life. She can scream, shout, cry and refuse all she likes but she will be putting herself in a very vulnerable, if not dangerous, position. She is enveloped in this culture and she might just as well be living in Pakistan. I don't think posters are getting their heads around this for some reason. Her only option is to divorce. But if she's only had a Nikah (Islamic religious ceremony) and not a civil marriage then she basically only owns the clothes she's wearing.

You need to leave them in your house alone and take your kids out - basically carry on as though they aren’t there. In addition, your husband needs to tell them to stop commenting on your body. He also needs to take over all the work of having them visit or tell them not to. This isn’t your problem, it’s his.

I teally feel for you, OP, but I agree eith the others that there is really no culturally appropriate wsy of changing the situation. If you are not, yourself, Pakistani then I would suggest taking the children and leaving to your parents house. Then you would start negotiations and try to go last in the visits (when they might have calmed down) or you could try negotiating a divorce.

There is no way, from inside the system, to alter things. Your husband eould have to be a very different person to the one he is snd he is just sn ordinary person. He would have to have a towering, iconoclastic, personality to buck the rules gor you.

Bit the situation is really untenable healthwise. Be aware that if you forcefully represent yourself as sick/too sick to host they will pressure him to divorce you and get a better wife.

It's not as easy or straightforward leaving a marriage like this. The children can be taken out of the country by the father and kept there by the in laws. In islam, a child belongs to the father. The op is in a domestic slavery situation because she's being made to work whilst ill and she can't get out. She needs a decent solicitor and some proper rest. I'd hazard a guess that her illness is being caused by all the pressure and her body is struggling.

Compatibility is more important than love when choosing a partner.

Is your family background also Pakistani OP? Are they likely to expect the same level of submission from you?

If not, I'd pack the kids up and decamp to your parents house for the foreseeable future. These cultural expectations will not stop and they'll grind you into the dirt.

I’m 99% sure a huge amount of your health issues and anxiety would be solved by removing yourself from this situation.

You’re 29/30 at this point and have been with your husband since your late teens. Are you legally married in the UK? If so you have rights. If only a Muslim marriage you are in a far less secure position if you leave.

You seem to post and then disappear without answering questions, but so many of your threads are cries for help. Please accept the help people are offering here and help them to understand your circumstances so they can advise you accurately.

You deserve so much more than this.

Will they really pressure him to get a better wife if op won't do the hosting? Some cultures really fucking baffle me. How about the OP and other women in the situation like her having the right to say 'I want a day/week/forever off this being the perfect ideal (in their eyes) of a woman' shit.

OP I’m from a similar cultural background so I understand the nuances of this situation.

What I can say, having seen relatives in a similar situation, is that you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. So, you might as well do only what is within your capacity and ignore the rest, including the comments from any family members. If they’re not happy with your level of hosting, they can always seek alternative accommodation for the rest of their stay.

I understand the obligation to serve and respect parents as I do the same, but the difference is that my parents and parents-in-law are understanding of our commitments and have little expectation of anything from me as I have young children.

Draw your boundaries and prioritise yourself and your health. Don’t become a martyr and sacrifice yourself, if not for yourself, then at least for your children who deserve a happy and less stressed out mother to make beautiful memories within the holiday period.

You also have a DH problem. Speak to your husband and tell him how you feel and how it’s ruining the summer for your children too. If he then won’t attempt to resolve the situation or offer some reasonable solutions (not just put up with it until they return back to Pakistan), then you will have to draw the boundaries yourself and stay in bed. In future, I would lay down some ground rules (e.g. they have to tidy after themselves, outsource cooking/cleaning, stay for less time, relatives can only visit twice a week, DH has to help with all chores and hosting) which are conditional on you accepting them into your home. Remember, you’re trying to please everyone and something eventually gives, and right now, that’s your children and your health which should actually be your priority. Of course we welcome visitors and hosting them is honourable, but we also have to set firm boundaries if our visitors are too ill-mannered to set boundaries themselves-sometimes they just have to be told. The more you give, the more they’ll take.

I would just down tools and stop doing anything for them.

Leave them and go out with the kids.

How in the world can your husband witness this, how you're affected, and not do anything? Raging for you.

Some men are happy to do nothing and be looked after like one of the kids.

Unfortunately this is the culture you married into. I'm not really sure what options you have other than to leave him, honestly. His family will never change and neither will he.

You can’t diagnose or rule out lipodema with a blood test.
You are not at all well. I’d stay in bed sick. You’re pushing yourself too hard.
Nothing you do will be good enough for them, so why keep destroying your health for them?

The chest pains, stress and fatigue are serious symptoms. I would definitely see a doctor and have them refer you to cardiac investigations. There sounds like some kind of vascular thing going on.

Your husband is a dick. The family visiting for 3 months is too much. Need to figure something else out that isn’t so much and if it’s set in stone, can’t be changed then your husband needs to agree to set aside funds for you to get in help with cleaning and cooking. You can’t be like a one woman hotel for three months. That is insane.

Sorry what?!
Bit of a racist generalisation there about Pakistani culture (after all Pakistan has over a dozen different ethnic groups with distinct cultures and languages) and how do you know OP ‘married in’ to anything other than a family dynamic that is unreasonable and toxic?