Aibu or am I just being a bad person?

[Zaina89]

So every year my mother in law and father in law come from Pakistan. They arrived here on Wednesday for 3 months. They go between 3 houses, ours my sil and bil house. But they mostly stay with me and my husband at our house.
I have 3 children, the youngest who is 2 and a half.
i dread them coming every year, I’m constantly in the kitchen, people always coming around my house, always meet ups, constantly cleaning.
the summer holidays are ruined every year, I don’t have a big enough car so I can’t take the kids out and I don’t like leaving them in my house alone.

im constantly told how big my legs and hips are and that I need to do things to slim down. Im really not feeling well for the past couple of years, a lot of it is anxiety and panic attacks and stress, but I think I may have lipodema, I also have reticular veins appearing all over my thighs and I’m only 28. I feel fatigued all the time, racing heart, my blood tests always come back clear, my most recent one was last month and no reason why I should be feeling fatigued medically. I always wake up tired.

they arrived on Wednesday and every single day since then my in laws (19 of us in total) have been around every single day. Some times till 2am, sometimes till 11/12 and they won’t leave. I’m constantly cleaning up and in the kitchen because they want things.
i asked my sister in law( husbands sister) on the day they arrived that I don’t feel well and if we’re going to meet up we should start doing one dish party’s from now on and she looked at me with a weird face and said “ we help each other anyway”.

im so exhausted, last night they was here till 12 and my husbands brothers wife told me they’ve made a plan to come around today as well. Not sure about my husbands sister.
ive been in tears since last night, chest pains, panic attacks. I’m not sleeping waking up during the night with a fast heartbeat.
im supposed to be going out today with the kids and now I feel like it’s yet another thing I should cancel because they have told me they are turning up.
I can’t live like this for 3 months. My husband says he feels bad but “what can I do”.

Im absolutely exhausted, I feel ill and it’s only day 5. I just always get made to be out the bad person who can’t open the house up to people

In all seriousness, I would either divorce my husband for being such a passive wet blanket that doesn't stand up for me nor put boundaries in place with his family - or I'd move into a hotel/Airbnb for the entire 3 months his parents are there for. Let husband do the hosting himself so he can see how unreasonableand exhausting this whole setup is.

Honestly, it's so, so, so incredibly rude and inconsiderate to hijack other people's home like your husband's family is, for as long as they are. You don't stay in someone else's home for 1/4 of a year - and, on top of it, sit back and expect to be hosted like royalty. If you are somewhere for more than 2-3 nights, you book your own accommodation so that you don't burden other people.

You are not well. They need to go stay with one of their other children. Maybe they can stay at yours again at the end of the trip if you are better.

Your DH needs to be firm about this.

I literally, I mean actually genuinely, could not live like this for even a couple of weeks. I'd be homicidal and there would be an absolute meltdown of nuclear proportions.

Sod this. I wouldn’t put up with any of it. Your husband sounds utterly useless too.

My husband says he feels bad but “what can I do”.

We he can get off his lazy arse and stop leaving all the work to you for a start.

Then he can remember he's a grown man in his own house and that his parents are making his wife utterly miserable, and put a stop to it.

But the problem here is he'd have to WANT to and if he did, he'd have done it long ago.

And if you or he are going to say 'but it's cultural' (as though that makes this situation ok), you're either going to have to make a change or accept this shit situation forever.

oh god that sounds like hell. I would have to go stay with my own parents and then hire a cleaner which your husband can pay for, for when they leave to put things back to normal. if this causes arguments amongst his family so be it. If there isn't a family to stay with id be direct tell them sorry you cannot stay I have young children and it doesn't work for me. If the brother or sister or your husband think this is fine to do, they can host. If it causes upset and you fall out. Even more reason for them to not stay lol. I couldn't and wouldn't put up with this.

Your husband needs to do the entertaining, cooking, cleaning, serving etc. The visits will hopefully soon stop!

It's so stressful having that every night, even if people help. You can't relax in your own home. I hope you find a solution soon.

Why do you not want to leave them alone in your house? I would be out all day every day!

In fact, can you take the kids and go and stay with family or friends for a while?

Or book a holiday? Genuinely I would have a breakdown in your situation you aren’t being remotely unreasonable. 💐

Why don't you have a car that takes your 3 x dc ? How does that work day to day ?.I'd be sorting that out pronto..
At least you'd have an escape route...
Your dh needs to be hosting his own family.

I would pretend they’re not there. Do everything you’d planned as normal with the kids. Don’t do extra cleaning, extra food prep for them etc. they want to stay then they fit in with your lives.
ultimately though you have a DH problem as usual! Why do the men just sit back and let this happen when it’s their family!!

I think she’s saying it’s not big enough with the PIL too?

It's obvious from the OP's post that her husband isn't going to 'step up'. His culture dictates that it's his wife's responsibility to deal with the domestic jobs of cooking, cleaning, raising the children and that also means entertaining. His parents are clearly cut from the same mold, as are her extended husband's family. They expect their family traditions/culture to be a given, even whilst they're visiting the UK.

Of course, your in-law's are unreasonable and no you aren't a dreadful person. You are not well, have 3 young children to look after and on top are expected to entertain your in-laws for long periods of time.

Most of us ladies, would refuse point blank to co-operate and would have laid the law down to our husband's before now. However, I'm not from your culture, it's very easy for me to say what I would do, because I'm not in your position, and have no experience of it either.

Your husband isn't going to go against his parents or the expected social norns of his culture. He's not going to support you and neither will his extended family. You either have to create merry-hell and risk the wrath of your husband/in-laws, you will have no choice but to put up with it or end the marriage.

My friend and her ex-husband are from India, MIL would come over for months at a time, non-stop criticism of my friend, expectations that she should make 200 samosas from scratch, be a subservient wife etc. (My friend worked a demanding professional job, plus DC, and does not subscribe to these gender roles.) Husband totally deferred to his mum, it eventually caused the end of the marriage. Ex-H now lives with his mum.

I don’t know the answer to your situation OP, you’re dealing with cultural expectations that you will probably not be able to change. You can’t simply say DH should do more, that just isn’t accepted. Maybe PIL could stay at a different relative’s house? Ultimately the only answer may be to leave the marriage, like my friend did.

I don't think a lot of posters quite understand how this culture works. They're looking at it through their western eyes. It's no good telling the OP to make her DH step up because it's simply not going to happen. He isn't going to do the cooking and cleaning, or even share it, any more than hell will freeze over. And as for extended family staying in hotels, that is definitely not happening either. And neither is ignoring them and merrily doing her own thing. This is the set up she married into and this is the role expected of her. There will be no significant changes no matter what she says. If she hates it, which is understandable to say the least, then her only redress is to get out of it.

This is intolerable. Culture can change. And she’s in the UK it should change. She should be brave and say no.

If he got up and started washing up in front of his mother, it is impossible to say what she would do because that has literally never happened in the history of the universe of Pakistani mothers.

Just stop! Nobody has a gun to your head while youre doing all that cooking and cleaning. What is your husband doing while you're working yourself to illness? Bringing home a paycheck is not enough, especially during hosting periods. It sounds like you are a doormat. And I know its awkward, but you need to grow a backbone now.

I wouldn’t put up with this for an afternoon let alone 3 months. It’d be the end of the relationship for me.

And for those saying you can't because "culture" - you absolutely can! Its up to you: tell yourself you cant and Continue working yourself to illness. Or put your foot down and stop being a doormat. Yes im sure the in-laws will be stroppy about loosing their slave. And others in the community might judge. But true friends won't. You might even inspire other women of your aquaintance in a slave like position. And wont it be worth it when you dont have to put up with this for 3 months a year!

I think maybe my reply has been hidden because I suggested pharmaceutical help 😬

Personally speaking, it would likely be divorce. Your husband hasn't got your back. If you stay, two options...

1. Put up with a quarter of your life hosting a large party in your home.
2. Say no, be vilified and live with your husband's resentment.

Neither of those are acceptable to me so it would be divorce. There's no joy to be found in trying to manage the problem. You can only get rid of the problem.
It's a deal breaker.

It's happening to me as well. Replies being automatically hidden. I wonder if a word filter has been put in.

That sounds really tough OP. I am wondering whether your thyroid is OK - symptoms like fluid retention, fatigue, racing heart, problems sleeping, anxiety. Also your iron may be low.

Would his mother blame the wife then or be happy that they share roles around the house equally and that chores aren't defined by their gender?