Aibu or am I just being a bad person?

[Zaina89]

So every year my mother in law and father in law come from Pakistan. They arrived here on Wednesday for 3 months. They go between 3 houses, ours my sil and bil house. But they mostly stay with me and my husband at our house.
I have 3 children, the youngest who is 2 and a half.
i dread them coming every year, I’m constantly in the kitchen, people always coming around my house, always meet ups, constantly cleaning.
the summer holidays are ruined every year, I don’t have a big enough car so I can’t take the kids out and I don’t like leaving them in my house alone.

im constantly told how big my legs and hips are and that I need to do things to slim down. Im really not feeling well for the past couple of years, a lot of it is anxiety and panic attacks and stress, but I think I may have lipodema, I also have reticular veins appearing all over my thighs and I’m only 28. I feel fatigued all the time, racing heart, my blood tests always come back clear, my most recent one was last month and no reason why I should be feeling fatigued medically. I always wake up tired.

they arrived on Wednesday and every single day since then my in laws (19 of us in total) have been around every single day. Some times till 2am, sometimes till 11/12 and they won’t leave. I’m constantly cleaning up and in the kitchen because they want things.
i asked my sister in law( husbands sister) on the day they arrived that I don’t feel well and if we’re going to meet up we should start doing one dish party’s from now on and she looked at me with a weird face and said “ we help each other anyway”.

im so exhausted, last night they was here till 12 and my husbands brothers wife told me they’ve made a plan to come around today as well. Not sure about my husbands sister.
ive been in tears since last night, chest pains, panic attacks. I’m not sleeping waking up during the night with a fast heartbeat.
im supposed to be going out today with the kids and now I feel like it’s yet another thing I should cancel because they have told me they are turning up.
I can’t live like this for 3 months. My husband says he feels bad but “what can I do”.

Im absolutely exhausted, I feel ill and it’s only day 5. I just always get made to be out the bad person who can’t open the house up to people

Well the OP is being abused, certainly in western eyes anyway. She's being run ragged with totally unacceptable demands and she has no voice. I think it's more than fair to say that traditional Pakistani marriages are often not remotely conducive to women protesting their rights. I mean, you can argue that if you like but there's plenty of documented evidence to suggest otherwise. You see, it's incredibly unhelpful to be an apologist for such forms of degradation and hidden abuse of women.

Yes, she can stop but her life will almost certainly be unbearable going forwards. I think you're critically (and naively) minimising the cultural expectations, pressure and very real control. What could they do about it? Quite a lot actually.

Ok, he won't. So...then what? The family descend, OP doesn't feed or host them, and tells DH if he wants them looking after he can do it himself. He chooses not to. So then either he, on realising that OP isn't going to do it, and not wanting to do it himself, decides that maybe having loads of people staying / visiting all the time isn't such a great idea after all, OR the family decide that the catering's so lousy they'll go somewhere else in future. The sky won't fall.

The UK used to have a "culture" of "men sit on their backsides while women wait on them". Then women started refusing and now things are different. OP isn't actually in Pakistan, where sexism is enshrined in law, so she can stick with the culture she was raised in and not be a doormat.

Like what, though? OP is in the UK and the PILs live in Pakistan. They have no actual power over her. There isn't going to be an honour killing because she didn't bother making dinner. There may be expectations and pressure, but if she resists that, they have no control.

I think you’re grossly underestimating the power that the Pakistani culture has in marriages like this - OP is at an absolutely massive disadvantage here.

"2024 - A 24-year-old woman named Mashal Ilyas was strangled to death in the UK by her father-in-law, Nadeem Mohammed Begum, following domestic tensions over household expectations."

"Humera Khan (2017): Bludgeoned to death with a hammer by her Pakistani-origin husband, Jamal Khan, in Preston after a dispute over not preparing his dinner."

"Mashal Ilyas (2024): Strangled to death by her father-in-law, Nadeem Mohammed Begum, in Greater Manchester. The court heard he attacked her following ongoing tension over his traditional expectations for her to cook and clean for the household"

These are just a few examples of many. So yes, she could be killed for "not bothering to make dinner". You are being flippant and viewing it through a very western lens. At the very, very least her life could be made an unbearable misery.

Any cases where the victim was a white British person living in the UK, though? And OP isn't living in the same household as any of this lot - she isn't even in the same country as the PIL, most of the time. And I presume if her husband was a violent abuser, she'd have mentioned it. They're not going to dare to harm her. She hasn't said that they've ever threatened her or anything - just that they're thoughtless and make personal remarks sometimes. There's nothing here to indicate they're dangerous.

one thing in OPs favour was that she used to know something better before she married this man or perhaps not?

If PP was correct it reads as though OP was quite young when she got married so maybe this is genuinely her only experience - which is incredibly sad, if true.

Yes

worrying that they are so unpleasant to her

OP, if your children have passports, hide them. Ideally out of your house but if not somewhere good. To block this possibility for one thing.

Then talk to your husband and say you live in the UK, you can't live by the in laws' Pakistani rules for 3 months so you need to find a way to tackle it between you.

@LoremIpsumCici please do enlighten us all on these groups, their main characteristics and which ones don't believe women to be subservient chattels, so we all know for the future. You're the expert

You are not a bad person. I don't have any good advice as I know how hard this situation is. Going back to the GP sohnds like a goid idea. Sending hugs.

Your husband needs to care for you and say no its too much ..
You're obviously not well something is going on the stress of these visits have tipped you over the edge, you can't go on like this .
There needs to be boundaries staying up this late and feeling unwell is not what you need.
You need love & care x

That’s EXACTLY what he must do. He should not be letting your health suffer because of these entitled people, even if they are his family.

As someone who is marrying an Indian man I totally get it. I never realised the cultural differences. My mil thinks nothing of calling me fat and I’ve just got to accept it because it’s her culture apparently. Also the meet ups. They are overwhelming and draining. Can go in till 5, 6 in the morning. But, your house your rules. You need to put a stop to it. Make sure this year is the last year you have it all fall on you. You are not from their culture and they need to respect you do things differently.

LTB

Not all cultures are equal. Clearly.

Is diversity really our strength?

I suspect the DH sees absolutely nothing wrong with this. OP has been doing exactly as she was told by him/his family since she was 18 by the sounds of it.

This is the problem with intercultural relationships. You can put your foot down but they won’t understand because this is normal and reasonable in their culture.

Can you say you’re ill and stay in bed to get a day’s respite? And talk to your husband. Does he help with the cooking?

What can he do?
He can say 'no'.
He can tell them you have young kids so people need to leave by x time.
He needs to tell his siblings to share the burden of your in-laws.
He needs to tell his parents that they are to respect your home while they stay.
And you need to be able to go out with your kids for a day out and return to the house in the state you left it in without anxiety.
Or even better, go out by yourself, and leave him with the kids to get on with it.
It sounds horrendous tbh.

You are being naive. Yes culture can change, but people have to be open-minded and want it to.

In the same way that we would not suddenly agree to only going out of the house while chaperoned by a related male, even if he is only 5 years old, the extended Pakistani family is not going to alter the expectation that the son’s wife cooks, cleans and hosts and that the son’s mother is the matriarch in charge. It is not in their interests to do so.

That sounds horrendous and I am so sorry. It is verging on cruelty and I honestly think you have to tell them that you can’t continue as you are unwell and they will have to stay with other relatives for a while. You will feel better if you can find the strength to stand up for yourself. Your husband needs to step up and support you too.

Well honour killings are prevalent in that community, they can be pretty hardcore. I can’t imagine it would be pretty.