Aibu or am I just being a bad person?

[Zaina89]

So every year my mother in law and father in law come from Pakistan. They arrived here on Wednesday for 3 months. They go between 3 houses, ours my sil and bil house. But they mostly stay with me and my husband at our house.
I have 3 children, the youngest who is 2 and a half.
i dread them coming every year, I’m constantly in the kitchen, people always coming around my house, always meet ups, constantly cleaning.
the summer holidays are ruined every year, I don’t have a big enough car so I can’t take the kids out and I don’t like leaving them in my house alone.

im constantly told how big my legs and hips are and that I need to do things to slim down. Im really not feeling well for the past couple of years, a lot of it is anxiety and panic attacks and stress, but I think I may have lipodema, I also have reticular veins appearing all over my thighs and I’m only 28. I feel fatigued all the time, racing heart, my blood tests always come back clear, my most recent one was last month and no reason why I should be feeling fatigued medically. I always wake up tired.

they arrived on Wednesday and every single day since then my in laws (19 of us in total) have been around every single day. Some times till 2am, sometimes till 11/12 and they won’t leave. I’m constantly cleaning up and in the kitchen because they want things.
i asked my sister in law( husbands sister) on the day they arrived that I don’t feel well and if we’re going to meet up we should start doing one dish party’s from now on and she looked at me with a weird face and said “ we help each other anyway”.

im so exhausted, last night they was here till 12 and my husbands brothers wife told me they’ve made a plan to come around today as well. Not sure about my husbands sister.
ive been in tears since last night, chest pains, panic attacks. I’m not sleeping waking up during the night with a fast heartbeat.
im supposed to be going out today with the kids and now I feel like it’s yet another thing I should cancel because they have told me they are turning up.
I can’t live like this for 3 months. My husband says he feels bad but “what can I do”.

Im absolutely exhausted, I feel ill and it’s only day 5. I just always get made to be out the bad person who can’t open the house up to people

Can you take the kids and go and stay with your own parents? It’s absolutely not fair to expect this of you, you’re not a servant.

Are they above the law of the UK then

they don’t even live here

If they get prosecuted, which is far from guaranteed, that would be precisely zero help to the OP if she's dead.

Obviously you are not a bad person, and obviously you are not being unreasonable. This sounds and is horrendous, but it is for you to change your immediate environment, and the first step is being okay displeasing people, and then putting in boundaries. It will take time and effort but if you have your partner's support it is possible. If you don't, then that is an even bigger problem.

I wouldn’t have thought all people from this culture and family are the same anymore than any other group!

My friend of Pakistani origin certainly entertains numerous family members for long periods of time several times a year, but she finds it mostly vastly enjoyable. Why? It’s happy chaos with everyone helping out - and I mean everyone! I once saw her and ten - ten(!) - other extended family members in the supermarket debating their purchases while pushing three large trollies. The difference from poor OP’s situation is that she is never left to do everything and adores her lovely MIL who does loads too.

Im sorry OP. No solution but maybe book doctor’s appointment and just stay out in a cafe for a few hours after for a bit of a break

Tell everybody to stop taking the piss and upset the applecart. Better to be known as a bit of a moody bitch than a doormat

"But what can I do?"

He can tell them to split their time evenly for a start, and that you're unwell and the GP has said you need to rest, you're in danger.

(that's taking into account cultural issues - my real answer is he can tell them to fuck off)

I suspect everyone is wasting their (metaphorical) breath. OP isn’t going to take any action and has a habit of ignoring threads after a few posts. Last year she had several serious complaints, including an injury to one of her children by MIL, and yet here she is again, hosting them all for 3 months……..

Utterly ridiculous to use two examples to generalise about an entire culture. If you genuinely believe this you are an incredibly ignorant person. Should I send you examples of non-Pakistani people who have committed acts of violence against their spouses and we can generalise about all groups?

Best of luck OP but cultural differences are complicated

I would tell my husband- I'm going on holiday with the kids you can host them- if he complains then tell him he has to put his foot down and stop them swamping your house every day- either they go or you do.

This is nonsense. There is no logical reason why the in laws should spend most of the holiday with you. Your husband should announce that, since you have had them most of the time for the last few years, this year they are going to spend the rest of their holiday with his siblings. Tell him to man up and do it.

You've sort of made your bed by marrying into his culture and reverting to Islam. I sincerely can't see a way out for you, unless you divorce and get out of all this. They won't change. I guess you were very young and vulnerable when you married and reverted...

She's white British though; she's presumably got a family who would kick up a fuss, whereas all-Asian families will often close ranks and refuse to cooperate with the police. They're not going to dare do anything to her.

No, they're not going to change their expectation, which is exactly why OP has to change her behaviour - let them expect whatever they like, and still not do it. Tricky if she was in Pakistan I'm sure, but she doesn't have to kowtow to foreigners in her own country and her own house.

It wasn't in the interests of European men to stop treating women as chattels either - tough luck for the men, women still fought for their freedom and equality, and continue to do so. Nothing will change here unless OP is the one to change it.

Your DH needs to speak up and your other family members need to take turns hosting to give you a break. You need proper rest as you have your own DC to look after too.

What's actually wrong with you to post this? Yes there is abuse within western marriages but they are an aberration. In Pakistani culture it is very much the absolute norm. Most of the advice to the OP is incredibly dangerous because if she followed it she would be at very serious risk of getting hurt or killed, and of her children being taken to Pakistan.

The only options the OP has are to put up and hope for the best, which could end badly for any daughter she may have. Or very, very carefully plan an exit strategy, but that is incredibly risky in its own way and she'd likely need a lot of help from people who know how to help women in her situation, as the law would not be on her side in terms of keeping her children away from her husband and his family.

So you can use your western-ness as an excuse to put up very clear boundaries. Let them talk!

They’ll accept new ways of doing things more readily I would say from a woman that doesn’t share their heritage. Btw I’ve experienced these kind of gatherings in Asia too (not hosting myself but as a guest with the women cooking, the specific pecking order, the overbearing comments, the need to comply, it gets tedious.

Can I guess that your DH probably sits in the corner and isn’t entertaining his family but is scrolling on his phone quite a few hours whilst you perform for his relatives?

Also you mean you converted to Islam, not ‘re-verted?’

No it is not 'the absolute norm'. It's one thing to recognise a different culture and that Pakistani culture is generally patriarchal. It's another to make wild assumptions about OP being subjected to violence. Your racism is showing.

Muslims consider everyone on earth to have been born a muslim, so they 'revert' to islam when they change from their birth faith to islam. This is why they use this term.

Yet last year the mil was violent and caused an injury to one of the OP's children.

Read my posts again please. I’ve said absolutely nothing about OP or her circumstances. I do take umbrage with wild generalisations about an entire ethnicity, as everyone should.

That does not make it accurate however; the only way to revert would be if someone left Islam i.e. became a Christian and then re-converted. It’s a rather insidious semantic sleight of hand in fact to imply that everyone is de-facto Muslim.

But patterns of behaviour of the group are one thing and an individual's behaviour another. It doesn't negate the patterns of behaviour of the group though. I'm autistic, I can identify patterns the way other people breathe air. I'm not going to deny the evidence of my own eyes and ears. I won't lie to myself or others.