Aibu or am I just being a bad person?

[Zaina89]

So every year my mother in law and father in law come from Pakistan. They arrived here on Wednesday for 3 months. They go between 3 houses, ours my sil and bil house. But they mostly stay with me and my husband at our house.
I have 3 children, the youngest who is 2 and a half.
i dread them coming every year, I’m constantly in the kitchen, people always coming around my house, always meet ups, constantly cleaning.
the summer holidays are ruined every year, I don’t have a big enough car so I can’t take the kids out and I don’t like leaving them in my house alone.

im constantly told how big my legs and hips are and that I need to do things to slim down. Im really not feeling well for the past couple of years, a lot of it is anxiety and panic attacks and stress, but I think I may have lipodema, I also have reticular veins appearing all over my thighs and I’m only 28. I feel fatigued all the time, racing heart, my blood tests always come back clear, my most recent one was last month and no reason why I should be feeling fatigued medically. I always wake up tired.

they arrived on Wednesday and every single day since then my in laws (19 of us in total) have been around every single day. Some times till 2am, sometimes till 11/12 and they won’t leave. I’m constantly cleaning up and in the kitchen because they want things.
i asked my sister in law( husbands sister) on the day they arrived that I don’t feel well and if we’re going to meet up we should start doing one dish party’s from now on and she looked at me with a weird face and said “ we help each other anyway”.

im so exhausted, last night they was here till 12 and my husbands brothers wife told me they’ve made a plan to come around today as well. Not sure about my husbands sister.
ive been in tears since last night, chest pains, panic attacks. I’m not sleeping waking up during the night with a fast heartbeat.
im supposed to be going out today with the kids and now I feel like it’s yet another thing I should cancel because they have told me they are turning up.
I can’t live like this for 3 months. My husband says he feels bad but “what can I do”.

Im absolutely exhausted, I feel ill and it’s only day 5. I just always get made to be out the bad person who can’t open the house up to people

Your husband needs to tell them no.

I don’t know what to say, that’s horrific. I want to say leave them to it and move out, but that isn’t very practical.

Obviously you’re not being unreasonable but you married into this culture so I’m not sure what you should do. You won’t win.

Your husband needs to stop being so passive. It’s his family, he should be the one entertaining them, it’s not all up to you. You need to go to the doctor.

I don’t have any advice @Zaina89 but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for the stress you are under, it sounds horrendous. I hope they move on to another relative soon 💐

It sounds totally overwhelming to me; especially considering how you’re feeling. Is there anyone else inside the family you could talk to about some support? You should definitely press the doctor for some further investigations and even some support with your mental health at present. I would suggest it’s up to your husband to manage his families expectations on your behalf but understand that culturally, this can be a very difficult issue to broach.

Its very normal and lots of my friends are in this position. I dont know how they do it sometimes but they say they were brought up that way and helping out like that since they were teens. If you weren't brought up that way, I can imagine its even harder.

This is so unfair on you. You need to make it clear that your husband’s siblings need to take on a lot more responsibility. Tell them that you aren’t well enough to keep entertaining everyone. You will ending up making yourself worse physically & mentally. Put yourself first as they are obviously putting themselves first

This sounds like a lot. Can you not just leave your husband to do the entertaining sometimes? I mean if I were you I'd be needing some space and time alone!

So first up - your share is one month; not more. If the meetups lose enthusiasm later in the trip, ie they start ending at a more reasonable time, then go last. Do the other ils also have young kids? Maybe there’s a more equitable way to share the timing so it’s not always your summer hols that are ruined.

Next up - assuming you are first and the timing can’t change, minimise the stress. Bring in catering, go out for dinner, hire a cleaner. DH does his fair share obviously. You are not the maid - leave the kitchen, put out self-serve food. Insist that it’s great people are meeting up and that’s fine over a weekend but you and the kids need more calm say Monday to Wednesday.

You should have time to go out with your kids and enjoy the summer hols. Determine what’s on your agenda - on Tuesday we are going to the woods, on Thursday the beach - and stick to it. Three months of time doesn’t need to be intense for the entirety - it’s perfectly reasonable to give yourself a few days on/off per week.

Where is your husband in all of this?

He needs to massively step up, do the cooking and tell his parents they can't make personal comments to you.

Go about your day out with the kids as normal today. Your husband can manage the visit. Put boundaries on place today and stick to them

Sorry - no wise words but LOTS of sympathy - I struggle with 12 in the house for a day and I only do thst twice a year !!
are the other siblings close ?

you need to say something

and you don’t marry into their culture - your DH has married in the UK so he has married into ours and he needs to man up. Edit and they are visiting in this culture so they need to understand the rules and that includes everyone mucking in together because that’s how it happens here

you should have said something much earlier - long visits are mad !

like “sorry I am not having guests today - perhaps you can all go out”

and go out yourself as you want to

Stop clearing up. Get some sleep earplugs and go to bed

Your DH is a huge problem here. This can't go on for 3 months.

You need to get your husband on board!

‘what can i do’ isn’t good enough. He is the one to stop this.

Your happiness is on the line so it’s in his interest to set a strong boundary for his parents and siblings.

Go yo GP and get yourself a sick note that says you’re too sick to host. Why? because I assume they’ll push back if you don’t have a ‘reason’.

Also, (in case you do) stop caring what they think of you or say behind their back about you.

Put a stop to this now.

Your DH is the problem. Yes it’s cultural but if you are so unwell and with children so young they can’t expect to stay so late. If you are having chest pains and feel so unwell I would take yourself off to A&E and before anyone jumps on this I am a healthcare professional but the chest pain needs review even if it only anxiety as it will continue to put pressure on your heart and who knows if your admitted to hospital either your DH can look after his own family or hopefully they can go somewhere else

Agree with other posters saying this can’t continue. Huge sympathy to you, it sounds unbearable.

Your husband needs to tell them my wife is unwell we won’t be hosting today. It’s for him to implement some boundaries and to protect you from his family. If he refuses then book a hotel for the night and tell him you need to prioritise your health, with the expectation he manages all the childcare, all this hosting, cooking and cleaning and that you return to a clean home tomorrow.

Tell your husband that you're handing the reins over to him. Pack a bag and book yourself into a cheap hotel for a few days. Drop the rope. Plenty family to look after the kids.

You absolutely can and should go out with your kids!
If your husband wants them there then fine, but you don't need to stop things you've planned just because they are there.

I would also go to bed at a reasonable time. Tell them you're tired and you're turning in and let your DH deal with them if they want to stay until 2am.

Is absolutely fine to put boundaries in place and your DH needs to be stepping up and backing you with them

I would definitely be hiring a cleaner at the very least.

also, to answer your question: no, you’re not a bad person. Also, don’t let anyone be rude to you or comment on your body.

I don't think the OP is a different culture to her husband so it is extremely difficult to break the mold and not be present or to carry the burden. But living in the UK is not the same, the family should accept that and adapt but they won't. They will essentially expect the exact same structure as they have in Pakistan and absolutely no change in their place in the pecking order. Rebelling isnt an option, unless you want unthinkable consequences, being made an outcast etc. I don't know what the answer is to be honest, its normal to them and alien to us. I had a colleague who gave birth and qas forced to spend 40 days in a dark room with only her mother in law being allowed to cast eyes on her and she was only allowed to eat white foods. Her brain wasnt allowed to be contaminated with reading or tv while it was recovering from birth hormones. She is an educated scientist, she is sassy and strong at work. Can't believe how the family traditions still control the strongest of women.

Hi @Zaina89

This sounds horrific and I really feel for you.

There are lots of great suggestions on here.
In terms of your health, this is a concern and this could be the easiest way for you to get help and get out of this, without having to be strong and push back. Either go to your GP or A&E and say how unwell you're feeling. Today, you could take to your bed "throw a sickie", collapse, complain about your chest pains. Use this to get your rest and recuperation. The chest pains should be checked out and you should be resting until they are. Amp this up as much as you need to today to get rest.

when you feel a little stronger then i think you will have the energy to set some of the boundaries you absolutely need to set.

good luck xx

OP do you have family you can stay with for a few days to get some respite?