To not tell DP about stepdaughter

[gohomenow]

DP is a single father to his dd(13), we have only been together a few years but have a baby together.

SD took my camera on a sleepover recently. I was unpacking her school bag today and found it so took it back and looked through the photos, which I maybe shouldn’t have done but I was not expecting anything inappropriate. There were lots of photos of her just in her underwear at her friends house ( I won’t be going into anymore detail than that)

She claims they were just messing around and weren’t to show anyone, which I believe. Her phone is regularly checked and nothing inappropriate has ever been on there. She’s begged me to please not tell her dad and I’m not sure what to do.

Obviously DP can’t look at the photos of his dd and I will delete them but the conversation would be uncomfortable for both of them. He is quite a strict and anxious parent and I can see him not understanding and overreacting ( at least what I would consider an overreaction).

Probably selfishly but my relationship with sd has been difficult and I’m thinking if I don’t tell I will gain her trust and improve our relationship but I think if my dd was older and someone decided not to tell me I would furious.

Would I be unreasonable to not tell him?

Sorry as hard as conversations may be he needs to know.

Tell her mum

Why did ahe take the camera? Why did she not use her phone? Sounds more to it

You won't gain her trust, she'll know you are a soft touch. What about a child taking semi nudes do you think he should understand?

Are you actively involved in ' parenting ' sd and is her own mum completely absent?

You cannot keep secrets, it would be a safe guarding issue. Thank SD for speaking with you but you cannot keep secrets. Write up her words as best you can, date, time and location. Later, you could tell the safeguarding officer at school but guessing it’s closed for summer.

Be the adult here..
You can't keep such a secret. She could have been asked to take the pics.

There is no mum to tell, he is the only parent.

Did she tell you who took the pictures?
Do you know her friend?

I appreciate you don’t want to go into details, but these are pictures she took of herself? Or pictures of her taken by someone else?
And the camera she used - the pictures exist only on there, no ability to have sent them to anyone?

Of course you can’t keep it a secret and don’t delete the pictures either. This is extremely concerning.

Of course he needs to know. Why is her phone checked regularly? Is she not to be trusted

Why should I not delete the pictures?

You do not have parental responsibility for your SD.
Do not keep secrets from your DH about his child, particularly around safeguarding.
discuss with him about how you will deal with this together and if he is happy with it you can communicate this to SD to maintain your relationship but in the knowledge her dad knows fully.
never ever agree to keep secrets .

Ffs Op this isn’t your call. You’re a safeguarding red flag if you don’t tell her parent so that he can deal with this.

Her friend. And yes, they’ve been friends since reception and she stays here often.

Tough one op

Is there photos just of sd? Or her mates too?

Tbh I wouldnt be too stressed about photos at sleep over in pants and bra with other girls. I would be having a chat with dd about how these photos can get out if shared and making sure she wasnt uncomfortable.

I would have quiet word with dp when sd is out. Calm discussion about what you found and how you talked about it with sd. Then ask him how you both should move forward with it without embarrassing sd

Of course you have to tell him. Would you want someone keeping a secret like that about your child from you? He’s her only parent, she’s his responsibility! When this inevitably escalates, because it’s already concerning, WTF is he going to think about you knowing about this and keeping it from him to curry favour with his child?

I agree with PPs that you must tell her DF. You have to be a responsible adult here - not try to be SDs best friend.

Keeping secrets from your partner never goes wrong, does it?

With respect you aren’t her mum or her dad and this girl is a minor taking indecent photos. You need to tell the dad because if the other girls parents find out and he finds out you knew it’ll be a whole world of trouble. Also make sure there aren’t naked pictures of the other girls on the camera

This isn’t your decision to make, and it’s disturbing you think it is.

What’s it got to do with her school?

Role reverse this
how would you feel if you were a single mum to a girl, she borrowed your partners camera and found these and didn’t tell you????
he deletes them
then 6 months later there’s a knock at the door……
please tell him

Not school, safe guarding officer, they could support SD. It’s just that the nearest trained Safe Guarding Officer will be a teacher.