To not tell DP about stepdaughter

[gohomenow]

DP is a single father to his dd(13), we have only been together a few years but have a baby together.

SD took my camera on a sleepover recently. I was unpacking her school bag today and found it so took it back and looked through the photos, which I maybe shouldn’t have done but I was not expecting anything inappropriate. There were lots of photos of her just in her underwear at her friends house ( I won’t be going into anymore detail than that)

She claims they were just messing around and weren’t to show anyone, which I believe. Her phone is regularly checked and nothing inappropriate has ever been on there. She’s begged me to please not tell her dad and I’m not sure what to do.

Obviously DP can’t look at the photos of his dd and I will delete them but the conversation would be uncomfortable for both of them. He is quite a strict and anxious parent and I can see him not understanding and overreacting ( at least what I would consider an overreaction).

Probably selfishly but my relationship with sd has been difficult and I’m thinking if I don’t tell I will gain her trust and improve our relationship but I think if my dd was older and someone decided not to tell me I would furious.

Would I be unreasonable to not tell him?

Her dad needs to know as he is her parent.
The parent who hosted the sleepover needs to know as it happened at their house and they will need to check their own child's phone and/or camera.
I would be more concerned if the pictures were taken on an internet enabled device such as a phone or ipad but at least the pictures seem to be contained on your camera so there's less risk of them being shared BUT there is a possibility of there being more on the friend's devices AND pics could still have been taken from your camera.
Check for any hidden folders on your DSD's phone and check the recycle bin as kids are superb at hiding images they don't want to be found.
You cannot keep this a secret.
If you have any reason to think the images might have been shared, the NSPCC's Report Remove tool is very good at locating and removing them.
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/online-reporting/report-remove/
Also have a look at the CEOP website for advice and information:
https://www.ceopeducation.co.uk/
I work in children's safeguarding.

I am not sure if this is the case here, but with my teens there is a trend to have a digital camera at a party, group settings etc so everyone can pick it up and take photos- then usually shared. It's not hard to shift photos with a wired or Bluetooth connection. The idea is a bit like disposable cameras at a wedding table.

Agree, the kinds of photos the OP found need discussion with Dad and daughter

Edited typo

There have been times my daughters have told me things and not wanted their dad to know, I've respected that. The most important thing IMO is that they know as teens and young adults, they can tell me something and still be in control of that information. Going against their wishes is a surefire way to ensure they don't trust you next time.

I also remember my mum discovering something when I was 13 or 14, and her agreeing not to tell my dad, and me feeling extremely grateful.

i would want to know if she was the only one posing in underwear or if there were photos of the friend doing the same? If the friend also did it, where are those photos? (There may have been two cameras involved, in which case that is important information.) If the friend didn’t also pose, then why was it only your SD? Was she persuaded to do it or did she volunteer? Did she ask to borrow your camera? Why didn’t she delete the photos, as she must have known you’d find them? There’s lots to unravel.

how do you know no one else would see them? I mean yup now they have been found but if they hadn't been found? Digi cams can connect to wifi now and sd cards easily shared.

well that was your mum's choice...in this case though different because this is not the biological or adoptive parent.

I know. If DSD's mum was around I'd be totally agreeing with you, I just think she needs an adult female she can trust. She's probably mortified bless her and if her dad is the type to overreact it's just unnecessary IMO

Thanks, my apologies, I missed that bit. but the rest of my post still stands.

I see OP has updated and is going to speak to her partner but I do hope they speak to a trained Safeguarding person.

You think 13 year old girls have never lied ? Particularly if they are being groomed.

Yes, I know that's worst case scenario but should be considered and the child's online and stranger danger education needs updating at least.

She is not the OP's daughter. While they seem to have a good relationship, she doesn't have legal parental responsibility. Its not something that can be guaranteed to be kept from her father who is her legal parent. Imagine the conversation
him "why did you not tell me"
OP because I don't like your parenting style with her"

yup, that's really going to help.

No it would be "she didn't want me to"

Only OP can judge if she's really at risk or it's just a daft teen thing. I am just saying that part of keeping a child safe is them knowing they have someone they can talk to in confidence. Letting a child know that you won't respect their wishes as to what happens to their information, is itself introducing a risk.
I wouldn't want to lose that confidence unless it was absolutely necessary, and from what I've read In this case it might not be.