To not tell DP about stepdaughter

[gohomenow]

DP is a single father to his dd(13), we have only been together a few years but have a baby together.

SD took my camera on a sleepover recently. I was unpacking her school bag today and found it so took it back and looked through the photos, which I maybe shouldn’t have done but I was not expecting anything inappropriate. There were lots of photos of her just in her underwear at her friends house ( I won’t be going into anymore detail than that)

She claims they were just messing around and weren’t to show anyone, which I believe. Her phone is regularly checked and nothing inappropriate has ever been on there. She’s begged me to please not tell her dad and I’m not sure what to do.

Obviously DP can’t look at the photos of his dd and I will delete them but the conversation would be uncomfortable for both of them. He is quite a strict and anxious parent and I can see him not understanding and overreacting ( at least what I would consider an overreaction).

Probably selfishly but my relationship with sd has been difficult and I’m thinking if I don’t tell I will gain her trust and improve our relationship but I think if my dd was older and someone decided not to tell me I would furious.

Would I be unreasonable to not tell him?

Don't know know anything at all about safeguarding? Literally one of the first things is never to agree to keep a child's secrets about stuff like this.

Jesus. Tell HER PARENT. With all due respect - you are not her parent. Her father needs to know.

Do not delete the photos. That is not your decision to make.

You need to tell him, OP. He may overreact, but he is the appropriate person to tell. The fact you are considering how not telling might improve your relationship with her rather than focusing on what she needs is kind of telling. This is unlikely to be the way you think about your own child when they are older. I understand the wanting to improve your relationship with her, but this isn't the way to do it.

I would tell him but I’d say that you are telling him as her dad but he needs to trust and respect that you have dealt with this so he doesn’t also need to be having a separate chat with with her

She claims they were just messing around and weren’t to show anyone, which I believe.

While possibly true...you are imo naive to believe it. it's incredibly poor decision making which needs addressing (its not clear that you have) and it is 💯 not for you to decide its innocent and not a problem.

You would be risking your relationship with the father of your child by keeping this secret. There is no way i would jeopardise my family unit / my child's happiness by keeping this a secret.

This is 100% a "you need to tell him" type thing especially as from what you behave written you havent addressed / discussed the implications of what shes done with her.
Ie what could have happened... its a crime so if she does it and takes sexual photos of underage children there can be consequences
...

You would be furious if it was done to you so there's your answer. You need to tell him.

Tell DP and the school but do not forward the photos to anyone as it’s distributing child pornography which is illegal.

You’re extremely naive if you believe that version of the story. They took the photos to send to someone online if they have not already done so.
if I was the parent and the other parent wouldn’t tell me this, I would be fuming. It’s not appropriate that you start keeping secrets for her. He needs to know unless you think he would physically hurt her.

She hasn’t dealt with it at all.

I have to echo previous posters; you’re behaving as though you’re her parent but you’re not. Her actual parent, the person with parental responsibility, is the person to decide how this is dealt with. Of course she’s embarrassed but that’s not a reason her father should be sidelined. You should also consider the possibility that once she is over the shock and embarrassment of being caught out, she simply becomes smarter when indulging in ill advised / dangerous behaviour and then her father discovers that he’s the last to know about a long list of risky behaviour. You’ll never be able to explain why you believed he had no right to know.

And don’t delete the photos. They’re evidence. At the moment you only have your step daughters explanation but there might be something more sinister going on and evidence will be needed. Her father will be really angry if it turns out there’s a predator and the chance to deal with him is lost because of your actions.

Are you mad? She's dealt with nothing. This isn't her child.

I’m a stepmum and I’d tell my dh in a heartbeat

If this is happening at another child’s house then their parents should also be told!
Also right now the pictures are on your camera so could look like it was you taking the photos!!!! U need to protect yourself by getting the right support for these kids and first step would be tell the dad, second step safeguarding officer

You need to tell him and he needs to find if and where they have been uploaded.

no secrets. Secrets always destroy people eventually. Tell dad and broach the subject carefully. I also wouldn't delete till other parent had been informed as well.

Been a while since I saw borrow my camera in a sentence. I don't even know where mine is, phones are that handy.

After major incidents the safeguarding reviews always show that people had all the pieces but nobody put them together. He would be entitled not to tell you something though and this may add to something he already knows. Tell him.

You need a more detailed talk with her. She made the decision to take your camera. This implies that she didn't want to use her phone and that it was premeditated. That also implies that there was a discussion, plan AND reason to do this.

Whether you tell or not, it can't be left as it is.

did she explain why exactly she took your camera? That part makes no sense if she has a phone with a camera as I presume she would have no access to picts on your camera or would she have been able to download them? If she’s savvy enough to do stuff like that then she should have known to delete the photos from the camera. It doesn’t make sense. I would tell her father

I would tell her dad and I would also be talking to the other parents as well.

on the one hand, they didn’t use their phones - and having a 14 year old who’s switched to a digital camera - it’s likely because they don’t want them to end up on social media. On the other, it’s a concern - and the other parents might have an incomplete picture of other things and this might be a missing link.

You absolutely need to tell him, hard as it is. I totally understand why you are nervous about the fall out, but you simply must.

All trust will be destroyed when he finds out you knew and said nothing, which he most definitely will. He will never forgive you for keeping something so important from him, and rightly so.

And also, your SD needs to understand the gravity of the situation, and how significant personal photos will be as she grows up.

This is not a minor thing that can be put aside and forgotten about. She needs to understand that even though in her head she is just ‘messing about’, there are serious safeguarding implications that at 13 she simply cannot grasp yet.

It is a crucial lesson for her to learn now as she enters the very dangerous teenage years of nudes, messaging and NO control at all over your own image once it is passed on…...

Reassure her that you understand she has not done this maliciously or with any sort of intent, that she is not in trouble and you are not angry with her, that you are supportive but that she does not yet fully understand the significance of what she has done and her dad has to know. Tell her that as an adult who loves her, you are protecting her, as is your duty.

A good analogy may be that you don’t let their half sibling eat lego/touch the kettle/walk into the road, even when they REALLY want to because you are an adult that can see the dangers that a baby cannot understand yet. This is the same situation - to her, she can’t see the harm but as an adult, you can.

Best of luck.

This.

This is a very good point though. I think you should tell him.