To not tell DP about stepdaughter

[gohomenow]

DP is a single father to his dd(13), we have only been together a few years but have a baby together.

SD took my camera on a sleepover recently. I was unpacking her school bag today and found it so took it back and looked through the photos, which I maybe shouldn’t have done but I was not expecting anything inappropriate. There were lots of photos of her just in her underwear at her friends house ( I won’t be going into anymore detail than that)

She claims they were just messing around and weren’t to show anyone, which I believe. Her phone is regularly checked and nothing inappropriate has ever been on there. She’s begged me to please not tell her dad and I’m not sure what to do.

Obviously DP can’t look at the photos of his dd and I will delete them but the conversation would be uncomfortable for both of them. He is quite a strict and anxious parent and I can see him not understanding and overreacting ( at least what I would consider an overreaction).

Probably selfishly but my relationship with sd has been difficult and I’m thinking if I don’t tell I will gain her trust and improve our relationship but I think if my dd was older and someone decided not to tell me I would furious.

Would I be unreasonable to not tell him?

I'm a step mum (with parental responsibility) to a teen SD- and I would tell my DH (her dad) in a heartbeat. Not keeping children's secrets is safeguarding101 - although if you think he'll react badly, then maybe you need to discuss together how you're going to deal with sensitive conversations in the future as they come up (& they 100% will).

Safeguarding best practice would state you need to tell her dad unless telling him would lead him to cause her harm.

If roles were reversed OP and you weren’t told you’d be very angry and potentially end the relationship over it. This is not some means for you to become closer with your stepdaughter, this is serious and the only parent needs to be informed. That’s not you.

You have to tell him, unless you have reason to believe he would hurt her.

What 13 year old would use a Digital Camera, when they have a camera on their phone ?

…and what 13 year old would be naive enough to not delete them? You can’t even see pictures properly on the small screen of a Digital camera.

Had you said “linked cloud account”, it might have been a tiny bit more believable.

You are in possession of indecent photographs of a child, that is a crime and regardless of the reason you could be charged with an offence and end up on the sex offenders register. That is safeguarding 101! This needs far more serious conversations, nevermind not telling her dad.

I would take SD for a walk and explain that she will need to tell her dad. More importantly, I’d have an open conversation with her about her sexuality and how she’s feeling. If she’s questioning her sexuality and you think her dad is likely to react very badly, having a male authority figure go nuclear on her isn’t going to help and could be really harmful. She needs support and understanding, whatever she’s working through.

You need to know if anyone else was taking photographs on other devices.

Your DP should be told and probably so should the other parents of the children at the sleepover.

This isn’t an opportunity for you to bond.

What @Amba1998said

Hmmmm can you talk to her 1st? Then explain why you are going to have to tell her Dad?

Tell herm gently, that her father has to be told but you will be there to support her when you both tell him.

Basic safeguarding should kick in. You should most definitely tell her father as a starting point. Do NOT delete the pics.

Your SD might be a victim of something else? The friend's parents, siblings, family friends.

Honestly, the fact that you would even consider putting your need to curry favour above her safety on something as serious as this is astounding.

Arghhh. Please tell me this thread is genuine and NOT another click bait fake?

How worrying are the photos? Could you talk to her about it without making a big drama with her dad. What can he do that you can’t?? Getting angry might make her more rebellious. I think if there is no other mother figure in her life she needs to feel she can trust and confide in you for any other problems she might face in the future.

Kids do this sort of thing. As long as they’re not being shared anywhere I think it’s a natural part of growing up.

If I found out my partner kept this from me I would end the relationship. My child’s safety wouldn’t come first and if I couldn’t trust my partner with their safety I wouldn’t have them around.

Since when do teens use digital cameras when they have phones? 🤔😉

I’d speak to SD again and also friend’s mum and ideally friend too, all of you together for cuppa to discuss what happened and the dangers of semi nudes and what can happen. Try to gain an understanding of what really happened. Does father need to know just now as It seems you’re reluctant to tell her father. So possibly his response will not be helpful. Ideally you’re looking to protect SD and all girls rather than to scare them into never telling anyone anything. Young girls need help and support and to understand about the world. Good luck OP

Thank you. I thought it was just me. What exactly has she done wrong? Let her friend take photos of her with not much on? I think this would be more worrying if the photos were on her phone because of sharing. Unless the "detail" you won't go into involves explicit sex acts I think everyone is overreacting.

Digital cameras are a big "thing" again now.

Tell her that she needs to tell her dad and that you will help her. Yes, he needs to know but she shouldn’t feel like she’s being thrown to the wolves.

then you tell her dad. how would you feel if the roles were reversed? Would you be ok if the non parent took a decision to keep a secret like that?
as a by the by, if you are not happy/approving of his parenting style, why did you have a child with him?

I agree with PPs. You are massively under-reacting and it would be poor judgement to believe the lie DSD has told you and to keep her Dad out of the loop.

The photos were taken for a reason. Whether that’s for someone who wasn’t in the house or that she is in a relationship with the friend, it’s high risk behaviour for her in a world where sharing photos like this can have lasting damage.

You and DSD sit down with her Dad and she explains what happened and why.

she is not the parent. Its not up to her

You have a duty to protect that child. The way you protect her is by being open & honest with her parent because he is responsible for her. Any other action is colluding with the child. If this turns out to be grooming, you'll have some extremely difficult questions to answer when your collusion & failure to protect comes to light - and it will.