To not tell DP about stepdaughter

[gohomenow]

DP is a single father to his dd(13), we have only been together a few years but have a baby together.

SD took my camera on a sleepover recently. I was unpacking her school bag today and found it so took it back and looked through the photos, which I maybe shouldn’t have done but I was not expecting anything inappropriate. There were lots of photos of her just in her underwear at her friends house ( I won’t be going into anymore detail than that)

She claims they were just messing around and weren’t to show anyone, which I believe. Her phone is regularly checked and nothing inappropriate has ever been on there. She’s begged me to please not tell her dad and I’m not sure what to do.

Obviously DP can’t look at the photos of his dd and I will delete them but the conversation would be uncomfortable for both of them. He is quite a strict and anxious parent and I can see him not understanding and overreacting ( at least what I would consider an overreaction).

Probably selfishly but my relationship with sd has been difficult and I’m thinking if I don’t tell I will gain her trust and improve our relationship but I think if my dd was older and someone decided not to tell me I would furious.

Would I be unreasonable to not tell him?

Taking photos in underwear with a trusted friend is really not that horrendous. 13 is an age of self discovery, exploration, and she was in a safe space with a friend and using a device that isn't online. Unless OP has missed it out, there is no indication the pics would even be classed any differently than one of DD on the beach in a bikini.
There's no evidence she was under pressure from anyone, has shared or planning to share them, nothing nefarious whatsoever.

Do you not remember people doing this with cameras in our day, posing for Polaroid with friend or setting a timer etc? It didn't go any further than that and whilst it's a different world today, it's also possible that DD in this case wasnt going any further with it either.

As an aside, we haven't establish whether the friend is male or female but really, that's beside the point

OP, if this is real, you need to arrange to speak to someone with formal Safeguarding training a.s.a.p. Probably better to wait until after you have and be guided when and how and who tells your partner. He is the one with PR.

People have asked too many questions about the photos, whether there was any nudity, etc. That is immaterial because groomers start with the less contentious stuff then progress. Do not delete the photos until at least the Safeguarding expert has seen them. Don't send them over any media.

I won't tell you the horror story my extended family have been going through with a 13 year old boy being groomed and eventually threatened that the perpetrator would tell the Police who would take him into care.

There will be girly giggly things to bond with your partner's daughter about in the future but right at this moment it's you and your partner who must be the team.

I think it really depends on the photos. If it is just best friends taking photos of each other at a sleepover I wouldn't be concerned girls do that all the time and I'm sure my daughter did but you should talk to her about what is appropriate why they took the photos and what they planned to do with them ,. given you are the only mother figure on her life she needs someone to talk to who won't overreact and it sounds as though her dad isn't that person.hebcijld actually do more harm than good.
If the photos were bordering on pornographic then you need to talk to your husband and you both need to talk to her about it in a calm way.

Yes it does. If all they are doing is being two teenage girls together pretending to do what pop stars do every day on stage in front of tens of thousands and on telly in front of millions, how on earth can you tell them they've done something wrong?

The friend is a girl OP called her she and they have been friends since reception.

This is a very sensitive but important subject. DSD is 13 ……took your camera without permission (that’s what I understand from the OP) which is an issue in itself. There’s also images of children in their underwear on the camera and that’s far more serious.
You have to speak to her father and include her in the conversation……she might have done this in all innocence but the potential repercussions are huge!
This needs careful, tactful handling and someone needs to speak to the other child’s parents too.
It isn’t a blame game or trouble making, it’s about nurturing youngsters and keeping them safe. Sometimes they do stupid things without thinking.

Because they are not adults like the women they may be copying. They are underage teens taking inappropriate photos. We don’t know how they were posing either. It’s called child pornography whichever way you look at it, it is wrong. Even if they had innocent intentions to be just like a pop star would you be happy for your child taking photos like that? What if they accidentally got out?

OP at 13 I’d be worried that someone is coercing the friend to take these pictures of her and her friends. I’d certainly share with her dad, he needs to raise this with the parents of that child - massive safeguarding issue. I know you’re trying to maintain this girls trust, but listen to all the posters giving you advice from a biological parent’s POV.

Ok, I understand the replies and will be telling him. Thankyou!

Sorry but you are out of order. You need to tell her dad. If my partner kept info from me about my child and I found out I would end the relationship. You are massively over stepping by trying to deal with this yourself. Safeguarding is everyone's business including fathers of daughters.

Because she’s 13 ?

Genuine question here

Would it be considered pronography is they were in a bikini instead?

Im assuming the sd is wearing quite plain underwear, not that disimilar to the coverage and look of a bikini. Not a thong and lacy bra.

and in a normal family, its not the mum role to hide things from the dad. As I have already said, I am a bit surprised that the OP had a baby with a man whose parenting style she SO disapproves of that she is considering keeping a secret from him

I think ultimately telling your DP (which you must do, as I think you now acknowledge) will in the long term establish you as a safe adult for your dsd, someone who will protect and do right by her. Even if she kicks off initially. If she is in a dangerous situation, she will thank you for it in the long run. Even if she isn’t, she’ll know you have her back. The words of ‘Mama’ by the Spice Girls randomly come to mind: ‘but now I see through your eyes, all that you did was love’. You’re
not her mum, but you are in a caring role.

you have to tell her parent. But it’s very strange, you’ve had a troubled relationship and it’s your camera. She’s not going to try and say you took them is she. You need to protect her and yourself here

@gohomenow I agree that you need to tell her dad.

I also think you need a discussion with him around what it means.
Yes there is a risk of his dd being groomed/coerced etc…
BUT theres never been anything concerning on her phone. Which means it can easily be a teen playing around with a friend. Esp as the photos were on YOUR camera (she wouldn’t have been able to send them!) not her phone.

He needs to understand that coming down on her, esp strongly, might not the best reaction.
A discusdion on the risks of taking those photos (who will see them?), let alone if she then decides to send them, is REALLY needed.
But he needs to be much more gentle than what your sd (and you) thinks he is going to be.

and once that has been ascertained, big sighs all round and a serious but gentle convo about personal safety. Digital changed EVERYTHING. Digital cameras now do have cloud and wifi connectability and even my old ones save to an SD card which can be plugged into a phone, tablet or laptop. You are right about one thing, its a different world!

some digi cams do wifi connect.

In a bikini at the beach or pool and a photo I’d say no it’s not pornography they’re dressing for the activity they’re doing.
A child that is underage doing a photoshoot in a bedroom in a bikini yes that would be indecent photos, child porn. The intent between the two situations is very different

Why does it matter? Even bikini snaps at 13 would be questioned. Whats the reason behind wanting to take those pictures? We’re not talking about holiday snaps here.

My concern would immediately be if they have uploaded the photos to a site and who has access to them. You need to tell dp. Also was she persuaded into this by a friend. It’s a safeguarding issue op.

@TY78910 because the reason fir taking those photos will have a huge impact on how I’d approach things with the sd.
Youre not going to say and do the same thing if the sd is naively taking photos with a female friend, just for fun. Which a lot of teenage girls wouldn’t see a problem with.
vs photos taken because they’ve been groomed

In the first case, the sd needs a big dose of education around the dangers of taking those photos, what they might mean etc… even though the INTENT might have been similar to hols photos.
In the second case, you might talk about Police involvement, protecting the sd, decisions around phone use etc…. A very different kettle of fish.

I think it’s considered essential nowadays to check your young teen dc’s phone regularly!

In this case though the question is very much should I keep this from DP. And the answer is no, no matter if these were naively taken in bikinis or plain underwear.

Am I missing something? What's the big deal about turn taking pics that no-one else would see?