To not tell DP about stepdaughter

[gohomenow]

DP is a single father to his dd(13), we have only been together a few years but have a baby together.

SD took my camera on a sleepover recently. I was unpacking her school bag today and found it so took it back and looked through the photos, which I maybe shouldn’t have done but I was not expecting anything inappropriate. There were lots of photos of her just in her underwear at her friends house ( I won’t be going into anymore detail than that)

She claims they were just messing around and weren’t to show anyone, which I believe. Her phone is regularly checked and nothing inappropriate has ever been on there. She’s begged me to please not tell her dad and I’m not sure what to do.

Obviously DP can’t look at the photos of his dd and I will delete them but the conversation would be uncomfortable for both of them. He is quite a strict and anxious parent and I can see him not understanding and overreacting ( at least what I would consider an overreaction).

Probably selfishly but my relationship with sd has been difficult and I’m thinking if I don’t tell I will gain her trust and improve our relationship but I think if my dd was older and someone decided not to tell me I would furious.

Would I be unreasonable to not tell him?

you can zoom on my digital camera which is the size of a pack of cigarettes....my bigger cameras obvs have bigger screens

do you know for sure they were not shared already? I would query what was the motivation behind the pictures being taken - I mean someone else was holding the camera. Whose idea was it and why?

I would encourage her to tell him and go with her for support.

It can be hard to imagine having a teen when yours is still a baby. Her parents need to know. No question about it. If her dad finds out some other way this could cause huge problems in your relationship.

I wouldn't have thought this needed to be said but no OP, you cannot help cover up a child creating indecent images of themself while they were out of parental supervision. Jesus fucking Christ.

Education by experts for you all about dangers of this type of photography.
The photos need to be deleted.
You need to be clear that there are no other copies.
Tell DSD that you have to share info with her Dad but if he has all the informaion and if his daughter is there owning up he might do what DD wishes and look at pictures while they are half covered up by DD's hand. She would be so embarrassed if this is silly. Innocent girly fun.

Also a step mum here and I completely understand wanting to use this to build a bond when things are hard, protecting her will also build that bond and respect.

Your dp needs to know, she needs to know you are telling him and why (protecting her) and the other girl’s parents need to know too.

they might have been experimenting doing something they’ve seen older ones do at one end of the scale - girls their peers leer over for example OR they have been asked to provide them by someone who is a criminal. Two ends of the scale.

it won’t be easy and chances are it will hurt your relationship with her FOR NOW so buckle up but hopefully when she is older she will understand

Thinking about her asking to borrow your camera, my worry would be that the photos haven’t been shared - yet. She has brought the camera home with the photos on, what was her plan? Had someone else asked her to send photos and she’d decided that by her friend taking them on your camera, they’d be “contained” on that device (so far). Otherwise why are there only photos of her? You must tell her dad what you have found.

It's need to know how bad the pictures were. Are they really much worse than the antics and outfits those girls see female singers on stage doing all the time?

Apart from anything else, you need to talk to the parents of the other girl. They should also know that their DD is doing this so that they can make the appropriate changes to the way they parent her.

Yes kids do some stupid shit sometimes, but as others have said, just because they don’t understand the implications of what they’ve done, they’re not too young to learn.

They have years ahead of them to navigate the fallout from decisions like these and this is possibly the least bad way to fuck around and find out, rather than sending these to some boy at school and ending up with them forever on the internet.

Having worked in a school, the first thing we learn about safeguarding is that it is EVERYONE’S job to keep children safe, not just their parents’. The second thing we learn is that you don’t try to get anything other than the bare basics out of them before reporting to a DSL because you don’t want to influence what they say when they’re questioned properly about the incident.

So don’t have a big heart to heart with her, don’t have a meeting with the kids and the mums, there should be someone available from their school over the holidays (check their website for what to do re safeguarding concerns over the holidays), but if not I’d speak to someone at children’s services or NSPCC first off, and they will advise what to do.

Yes it will scare the shit out of her, yes it will break her trust in you and yes it will mean that you as a family are on the radar, but it also shows that you are a responsible parental figure because you’ve spotted an issue and sought support for your DSD.

It also means you’re not in danger of being charged with possession of those images if something comes to light. You only need to see the pathetic attempts of that news reader Hugh Edwards to weasel his way out of his charges by saying his “only crime is opening files that someone else made”. That’s still an offence.

OP, an unrelated adult, should absolutely delete the sexual images of a child on her camera. Those are illegal remember…

not until the issue has been dealt with....police or safeguarding or whatever....

I'm in the minority here but I think not telling her dad is an option. If her mum isn't around at all, you're the trusted female adult. Presumably you've got a close enough relationship with her to have a good idea if she is lying or covering things up, when you ask her who/what these photos were for.

As you say, she needs to be able to trust you and confide in you at her age. It's entirely possible at 13 she and her friend have just messed around. There's no evidence the pics have been for any other reason. I'd ask her one last time if she has been put under pressure by anyone,make sure she understands she can never put pics like this online or send to anyone, and as long as no concerns from that conversation I'd leave it.

You need to tell her dad. This needs to be nipped in the bud.

I think you need to tell her father, but also be very clear when you and he talk that he mustn’t frame this in any way as shameful — that will kill any trust she has in you both if there’s something bigger going on. She will likely be mortified for her dad to know, but it needs a wider conversation about online safety and consent.

You absolutely CANNOT keep this a secret in order to curry favour with your stepdaughter.

Sorry, but that is absolutely unacceptable and a safeguarding risk in itself. "We don't keep secrets in this family" is the only possible response here.

You need to tell her dad. You can of course advocate for your DSD if you feel her dad will be too harsh or lack understanding.

but the OP is NOT THE PARENT.

My ExH chose not to tell me that my then adolescent DS was using hard drugs.
It did not end well. For any of us.

You need to tell him. One of you needs to tell the other girl's parents. It’s too potentially serious for you to keep it a secret - what if it later turns out that they did it at the request of a boy/man, and her father and the other parents find out you knew about it but didn’t say anything?

Also, the fact that you say you won’t go into any more details than that they were in their underwear makes me suspect that there were further worrying details you don’t want to divulge.

I know... I just think she is going to have much more of a mum role with her, if DD doesn't have a mum at all. If this was one of my daughters they would just be appalled at their dad knowing, having to discuss it with him etc let alone police or safeguarding at school that some people have suggested. It's a really critical age and she needs someone to trust.

What exactly were the pictures? Was it your SD posing for scantily clad pictures in front of her girl friends, just for fun (and them doing the same) girls just being silly. Or was it actually naked pictures or worse close up pictures of intimate areas, posing for boys or in sexual positions with girls or boys? She's not your daughter her dad is the one who really needs to deal with it, but if it was just silliness you could help her explain it. Are you sure they weren't being groomed into taking pictures by someone online? Do other people have copies or similar pictures taken at the same time? It could be nothing or very serious from the limited information you have given

But what if something else happens in future that may seem unrelated but could have a connection back? Would OP tell SD’s dad then? Would she keep back this incident? It’s the start (as in, what OP has found) of the teenage years and all needs to be in the open.

Well think about it?

Surely she must have known that you would see the pics at some point as it's your camera and she didn't delete them. How odd.

I do get that you don't want to drive a wedge between you and her by being the 'snitch', but as others have said - it could be serious. The main wise point that jumps out for me from previous posters is that you are now in possession of these photos, and you yourself could be in trouble for it. So you could pitch it to her that you need to mention it to her dad because unfortunately a consequence of doing photos like that is that they can end up in other hands (like your hands now!) and that has implications. Tell her that you understand she won't want her dad to look at them, and that you can suggest he doesn't - you can be her support and fight her corner and be a trusted female for her to hopefully confide in (if she feels more comfortable opening up to you rather than her dad), but it's not appropriate to keep the secret from dad.

What more do you need to know other than there’s photos of underage teen girls in their underwear? Does it make it better if they’re holding a hairbrush pretending to be Sabrina Carpenter?

Yes I'm inclined to agree

Age appropriate, kids messing about

If this were reported to social work, they'd likely have one chat with the girl about privacy, risks of sharing photos and take no further action

I think that OP should tell Dad, explain that she's dealt eith it, and delete the photos