Mil stepping on my toes in small ways

[Itsablondebobkindaday]

I would really love some opinions here. I’m happy to be told I’m being unreasonable because I suspect I am being a little touchy and this is very much sweating the small stuff. There’s nothing big where I feel like I’d be justified in saying anything. It’s a lot of little things but it’s really getting me down. So it’s a mil one. Me and dp have a four month old. She’s dp’s only child and the only grandchild for his mother. Mil obviously dotes on dd but it is becoming overbearing and little things are adding up and making me quite annoyed. She’s very opinionated and believes her opinions are right. Truthfully I find her quite disrespectful of anyone else’s feelings or opinions.

She’s started asking to have dd for the day on her own. She has her alone for a good 9/10 hours. I was far from ready for this but dp clearly didn’t want to upset her so I felt like I had to agree. I’ve realised after seeing some pictures from the first time that she’s got a full set of clothes for her that she’s obviously keeping at hers and changing her into as soon as she gets to hers. The lovely outfits I put her in come back barely worn in the changing bag along with all the spares I’ve packed. I can’t help but feel like she’s been seen as a little doll to play dress up with.

My next niggle was regarding car seats. She lives not far off an hour away and it’s mostly motorway driving. Therefore I was extremely selective about what car seat I bought while pregnant and explained to dp that I wanted this car seat used until she’s outgrown it as it has an excellent safety record. Mil has bought her own which I wasn’t made aware of until she turned up with it. It’s not as safe as ours and I’m upset that something I put a lot of thought into and wanted my daughter to use is discarded without so much as a word about it to me. I get that eventually she would have had to get one for her car but I was hoping it would be when dd was a bit older and more solid and that maybe the choice was at least run by me first.

Dd has a dummy. I know many people don’t like them but I have several children who have all had one and no teeth issues. I also like that there’s research suggesting they may slightly protect against SIDS. Mil despises dummies and pretty much told us that dd wasn’t having one. This has led dp to hide the fact we use one until he accidentally posted a photo with it in sight. Mil was not happy about this. I’m concerned of her ever having dd overnight because I know she will let dd scream all night rather than just give her the dummy.

I’m prepared to hear I’m being precious first born about the previous issues (even though this is far from my first!) but this one has got to me. I really don’t like cold water sterilisers and Milton. I personally believe if we can sterilise a bottle without chemicals why would we want to use them. Mil is the total opposite and doesn’t believe things are clean unless there chemically sterilised. When she was a few days old I did use Milton to sterilise to appease her and dd exorcism style projectile vomited her whole feed up. A week later mil was down and we tried again and the same thing happened which led me to conclude that she was better with steam sterilised bottles. Anyway the last two times mil has had dd, the following day she’s been vomiting large quantities up which I’ve found strange. Then dp let slip that mil doesn’t use the bottles we provide. She has her own which knowing her have been sterilised in Milton. While it’s such a tiny thing it’s really bothering me. It’s the one thing I have actively stood up and said to her I don’t like and she’s decided my feelings on it do not matter and done it anyway.

I learnt this morning that she now has her own stroller for dd at her house for when she’s old enough to use it. Again, a very small thing in the grand scheme of things but why is she so adamant to not use anything that I’ve carefully chosen for my daughter. I’m actually starting to question if she thinks my things aren’t good enough.

Dd came back from the last trip bathed and with all her cradle cap scrubbed off. She was bathed the night before so didn’t need a bath but I accept that she could have vomited/had an explosive poo. Dd doesn’t have bad cradle cap to begin with but I wanted it to fall out naturally because when I used products on her sibling lots of her hair came out with it. I had explained this.

Sorry that was long! I’m just feeling really down about it and then I feel pathetic for feeling down about it. None of it is awful. None of it feels worth causing an argument over but I don’t like feeling upset about it. I’m also somewhat concerned what the future is going to look like and the potential for this to become a bigger problem.

Your DH needs to be more active in supporting you in this. ONE of these issues might be tolerable, but your MIL is insisting on a pattern of disrespect. Dummies? Not her damn business. If it works for your family, she needs to back off. Sterilizing bottles, your way, or MIL doesn’t keep her for hours. MIL can visit DGD at YOURS and at your convenience if she can’t honor your wishes at her home. She raised her child/children her way. Her job there is done. If anything, her task is to respect your authority and give advice ONLY if it’s asked for, with the understanding that you don’t have to take it.

But are you actually going to do something about this now?!

Im not getting that impression from reading your replies. You do realise her dictating how many children you have is utterly batshit and if your DH won’t cut ties, you absolutely should separate.

OP just say ''NO'' to MIL.
''NO'' is a complete sentence!

Wow... your partner is not coming across well in this update at all.

On their own I don't think they are huge issues BUT they are landing on top of the foundational issue which is that you don't want her having your baby for huge swaths of time. I won't have been comfortable with it and I have six kids! Sleeping overnight? Not on your life 🤣
Really, even if it's my opinion that some things aren't huge issues,it's actually your opinion that is important. You set the boundary you also have to keep maintaining it ..in battle!

oooooh dear......are you sure you want to keep this one?

Yes 100%. I will be putting my foot down on her having her for the day. Maybe I’ll reevaluate this when she’s a little older but for now she’s staying with me.

Ive also spoken to dp and he’s (reluctantly) agreed to speak to her about the Milton. It doesn’t really matter if she’s not having her unattended but I need him to make it clear to her that it wasn’t her call to make. I can’t see it going well. She tends to talk down to him when he voices an opinion that doesn’t align with hers but I’d like him to at least attempt it.

dp is in his early-ish 30’s but lived at home until he met me so is quite clueless when it comes to adult life.

I'm shocked he's in his 30s, but because he isn't a fully functioning adult (I wonder why), she assumes you aren't either. Sorry, you got a dud partner on your hands. I think you need couples counseling if you have any hope of him growing up and away from his mom.

He is also an only child and mil has expressively told us that we are not allowed to have anymore children.

That's not up to you, mil. How fucking rude.

These aren't just little things. She has no boundaries with her son and she's trying to run your life too.

You're probably far more up to date on current parenting than she is. She doesn't like you not needing advice because she's very controlling and she's trying to engulf your baby. She'll push you out if you let her, that's why she's taking the baby for 9 to 10 hours. It will escalate and she'll want more time, then a full day and night and that's pretty toxic. If you weren't an experienced parent, she could steamroll you easier. But she already is steamrolling you if she's coming to yours and holding your baby for hours and hours and taking her away from you for long periods of time. I'm surprised you don't have PND with those kinds of separations from your baby.

What did I just read?! OP, you are in a really tough spot here. You’re recently PP, trying to look out for your daughter while still raising your other kids, all with a guy who is absolutely in the wrong with regards his mum’s behaviour and who doesn’t have your back at all.

Like PPs have said, there are not small things. It’s a clear pattern of her undermining you and your partner enabling that. And she’s forbidden you from having more kids?! She is completely off her rocker.

Sounds like she considers your partner to be an extension of herself, and by the same logic, his kid is too. Which just makes you the brood mare that can now be discarded.

As DDs mum, you have every right to have these boundaries, maintain them and enforce them where needed. Now go and enjoy your Tuesdays with your little one and tell your MIL that she’s welcome to grandparent at yours if she wants. DP
would be sleeping in the garage until he bucked his ideas up, if I were in your shoes!

9 hours is way too long - I would do an hour max!

Stop the visits OP, there will be drama and upset but hold your ground. It is too young to
be away from you unless there is a really good reason for it. How dare she tell you you're not allowed any more children. What a nightmare woman.

If it doesn’t go well when he talks to her…too bad. His intent would be simply to look after his own family, not to insult her. Everything is not about her, however much she’d like it to be. It would be a very healthy thing for him to emphasize that he is an adult now and not willing to be completely enmeshed with his mother. It’s an essential part of growing up which seems long overdue. If MIL wants to enjoy a life that includes her son, his wife and child, she must understand that it’s a privilege not a right, despite controlling behavior.

Don't think most of these are a big deal (with the car seat, I wasn't quite sure whether you meant hers wasn't current safety standard? If so that is different, though I still don't get why car travel seems to have much higher safety regs than bus travel, but anyway), unless any guidance has changed very recently since mine were born. For example, I didn't use Milton but it was still not said to be any danger, but if that's changed in the last couple of years, then that's different. So part of me thinks leave it, at least she is a loving grandma who is going to help you out, and having one of those is a lifesaver, and might be particualrly important to your kid when older.
That said, it's fine to say you respect her choices and you're very grateful your kid has another person who loves her like you do, but please could she do x/y/z. Be polite, breezy and make sure your partner is on the same page. You and your partner are the parents so do get to call it.

This is your 4th child, you know what you're doing with a child but no offence I don't think you know what you're doing with this useless DP. It is a him problem, he needs to be the buffer between you and his overbearing mother. I have a very overbearing MIL (objectively, she is like that with everyone and has lost lots of friends). The difference is DH recognises it and maintains boundaries. I also maintain boundaries and I know he will always back me up. I wouldn't have let anyone have my baby for that long at that age as a one-off, never mind regularly, seriously can't believe you're letting it happen, sounds like you need to step back and look at what the heck is going on.

As an aside, we provide car seats for grandparents if their ones aren't equivalent to what we would use. I don't think it's on to expect her to fork out for Axkid or whatever but if that's what you want her to use you (and DP) provide it.

If DP doesn't step up what does he actually bring to your family? Does he enhance your other DC's life...I suspect not.

10 hours at 4 months old with a woman that refuses to listen to a word you say, absolutely fucking not. The Milton bottles I agree with it leaves a smell and is obviously upsetting your baby’s tummy and mils obviously adamant it has to be her way, id use this as your out just say no and tell your partner too she’s deliberately going against your wishes and it’s making your child that you made, carried and birthed sick. Put your foot firmly down. My mother in law asks before she does anything and everything with my child because she respects me as her grandchild’s mother, this woman has no respect for you at all she’s taking the piss because she knows her little boy will back her. It’s time to rock the boat! Your baby your choice your not being precious.

This current husband is your second try? Goodness can’t imagine what is your ex like. You sound like a confident mother, but having a fourth one with someone in their 30s and useless. You must love mothering, including useless males. Love yourself, you deserve to be cared for too! Children need you.

9-10h away from you is far too long for a 4mo.

Hell would freeze over before I handed over my 4 month old over to someone for 9/10 hours at a time against my will, just to appease them. And as for driving them up and down the motorway without me, in a car seat that I don't feel is ideal? Just absolutely no way.

Your MIL is unreasonable to ignore your boundaries. Bigger problem is your husband who doesn't appear to be part of your team. Why does he prefer to upset his wife, supposedly the love of his life and the mother of his children, over his Mummy? I'd find that extremely unattractive.

Honestly in your shoes I'd be suggesting marriage counselling at this point.

You're not angry enough about the Milton situation. Shes knows the baby vomits after it, but still washes her own bottles in it. For that reason alone I wouldn't be letting her have baby alone again.

Good for you.

Practice with your DH saying “sorry MIL it doesn’t work for us” “No baby won’t be doing that”

Please don’t let her have baby unattended at all for a while, break the cycle. Tell her it is too disruptive to her routine. Get him to realise this is now make or break.

Jesus fucking Christmas. These aren't small things. Put a stop to this now.

No one does anything with your child without your approval . It's very simple.

Your baby is not a toy you have to share. Just say no more. I don't like it.

So, you are actually a far more experienced parent than she is. Your wet lettuce needs to start backing you up here. Shape up or ship out time. It is not just about the Milton, it is all of it. How can he be an adult and accept his own mother talking down to him? He needs to open his eyes and ears.

It's just an unappealing trait when men can’t say no to their mothers. I would never want my baby to be away from me at this age. She does sound crazy overbearing. I really think you need to say no, and even then just a couple hours .

As the mother of 3 children, what exactly was the appeal of a mummys boy?
Honestly OP, you and your children deserve so much better.

I would go insane if I didn’t have my baby for that long at that age! No overnights and shorter less frequent solo visits, she can come visit you, where she does not get to hold your baby the whole time. It’s ok to say ‘I know you had no idea but I’ve been really unhappy not having baby for so long, it’s been stressing me out. I need my baby.’
tell your dp if he tries to bully you into giving up your baby he can pack a bag and go back and his mum can baby him. Your dp sounds like he does fuck all parenting so do not lose your independence, it’s not at all clear this man is a keeper.