Mil stepping on my toes in small ways

[Itsablondebobkindaday]

I would really love some opinions here. I’m happy to be told I’m being unreasonable because I suspect I am being a little touchy and this is very much sweating the small stuff. There’s nothing big where I feel like I’d be justified in saying anything. It’s a lot of little things but it’s really getting me down. So it’s a mil one. Me and dp have a four month old. She’s dp’s only child and the only grandchild for his mother. Mil obviously dotes on dd but it is becoming overbearing and little things are adding up and making me quite annoyed. She’s very opinionated and believes her opinions are right. Truthfully I find her quite disrespectful of anyone else’s feelings or opinions.

She’s started asking to have dd for the day on her own. She has her alone for a good 9/10 hours. I was far from ready for this but dp clearly didn’t want to upset her so I felt like I had to agree. I’ve realised after seeing some pictures from the first time that she’s got a full set of clothes for her that she’s obviously keeping at hers and changing her into as soon as she gets to hers. The lovely outfits I put her in come back barely worn in the changing bag along with all the spares I’ve packed. I can’t help but feel like she’s been seen as a little doll to play dress up with.

My next niggle was regarding car seats. She lives not far off an hour away and it’s mostly motorway driving. Therefore I was extremely selective about what car seat I bought while pregnant and explained to dp that I wanted this car seat used until she’s outgrown it as it has an excellent safety record. Mil has bought her own which I wasn’t made aware of until she turned up with it. It’s not as safe as ours and I’m upset that something I put a lot of thought into and wanted my daughter to use is discarded without so much as a word about it to me. I get that eventually she would have had to get one for her car but I was hoping it would be when dd was a bit older and more solid and that maybe the choice was at least run by me first.

Dd has a dummy. I know many people don’t like them but I have several children who have all had one and no teeth issues. I also like that there’s research suggesting they may slightly protect against SIDS. Mil despises dummies and pretty much told us that dd wasn’t having one. This has led dp to hide the fact we use one until he accidentally posted a photo with it in sight. Mil was not happy about this. I’m concerned of her ever having dd overnight because I know she will let dd scream all night rather than just give her the dummy.

I’m prepared to hear I’m being precious first born about the previous issues (even though this is far from my first!) but this one has got to me. I really don’t like cold water sterilisers and Milton. I personally believe if we can sterilise a bottle without chemicals why would we want to use them. Mil is the total opposite and doesn’t believe things are clean unless there chemically sterilised. When she was a few days old I did use Milton to sterilise to appease her and dd exorcism style projectile vomited her whole feed up. A week later mil was down and we tried again and the same thing happened which led me to conclude that she was better with steam sterilised bottles. Anyway the last two times mil has had dd, the following day she’s been vomiting large quantities up which I’ve found strange. Then dp let slip that mil doesn’t use the bottles we provide. She has her own which knowing her have been sterilised in Milton. While it’s such a tiny thing it’s really bothering me. It’s the one thing I have actively stood up and said to her I don’t like and she’s decided my feelings on it do not matter and done it anyway.

I learnt this morning that she now has her own stroller for dd at her house for when she’s old enough to use it. Again, a very small thing in the grand scheme of things but why is she so adamant to not use anything that I’ve carefully chosen for my daughter. I’m actually starting to question if she thinks my things aren’t good enough.

Dd came back from the last trip bathed and with all her cradle cap scrubbed off. She was bathed the night before so didn’t need a bath but I accept that she could have vomited/had an explosive poo. Dd doesn’t have bad cradle cap to begin with but I wanted it to fall out naturally because when I used products on her sibling lots of her hair came out with it. I had explained this.

Sorry that was long! I’m just feeling really down about it and then I feel pathetic for feeling down about it. None of it is awful. None of it feels worth causing an argument over but I don’t like feeling upset about it. I’m also somewhat concerned what the future is going to look like and the potential for this to become a bigger problem.

It sounds like she wants to be your baby's mum and not grandmother.
We had/have this. It's been really hard but once things got really bad and lines were crossed, DH ended up having to explain that grandparents should not be trying to replace and undermine parents.
We were/are essentially unable to parent in front of in laws as they'd challenge us for saying 'no' if that makes DC cry as in their opinion, DC should never cry. Imagine what kind of kids one would raise if you never say 'no' to anything and give into everything they ask. One big thing for us was sweeties, constantly offering them to DC and if we say 'no, they've had enough', they would say DC is now crying for more (because they offered) so they have to give more.

Ridiculous! I would never have sent a four month old an hour away to be the play doll for anyone for 9-10 hours. Absolutely crazy. Unnecessary and just bizarre request.

Jesus next time MIL comes stick a dummy i the mouth of your DP, pack a bag with his toys and clothes, and send him back to her.

and there we have it. You have a partner problem. Are your other children his?

PS I wouldn't call them small ways.

One thing I'll say though, everyone will be rushing to write your DP off. Keep in mind that it's a learning curve for him too, my DH was always prioritising his mum too or this is how it felt to me at least. The intensity of it all affected us, we ended up doing marriage counseling, I became quite depressed as I felt that I was just a burden to everyone, certainly to my MIL who would like to be in charge of raising DC.
Anyways, in the end my DH apologised and said he didn't realise how everything was affecting me at the time and started really considering my feelings when it came to in laws - long may it last. This is my roundabout way of saying that just because DP doesn't get you know, doesn't mean this can't change.

Sounds like she’s playing babies with your child. I’d find this annoying too! I’d certainly put my foot down with the Milton, it has its place, but I was always of the opinion (and I have a first degreee in microbiology) that a good scrub with hot soapy water and proper rinse then steam, I used a microwave steriliser, was much better than chemicals, I kept Milton but for washing down items
ignire
thenclothes, y MIL gave up after she gave our DD a little tartan monstrosity which I gave back to her saying it was too small, she got her a larger size but by then it was again too small lol
car seat - I’d put my foot down

First, I think your being away from your 4 month old infant for 9 or 10 hours on a regular basis is not good for both you and your child bonding. Bonding is an ongoing process, not just a one time thing. She's interrupting that for her own self, it's not the best for you and baby. Way Too long, put a stop to that now. Do not let her have a fucking custody schedule with your baby.

Second. She's your baby and you need to identify her as that. Don't call her MiL's grandchild. She's your baby.

She thinks she can parent over you and your partner is letting her get away with that shit. It sounds like he's afraid of her reaction if he goes against her wishes or says no to her. He needs to grow a spine here.

Even if I thought any practices were unnecessary, I would never undermine any mother 's routines . Always tried as much as possible to stick to whatever the mother of any child would request . To think that a MIL would deliberately go against a DIL wishes in such a blatant way shows such disrespect. I would be furious and would let her know . No more visits , you weren't happy in the first place and she ignores your guidelines . Stick to those reasons and refuse to send your DD . Your DP needs to know which woman he needs to support. Or he can fuck off back to Mummy.

I'm so sorry about this as it's really stressful. Totally get you. Had something similar but I ended up really putting my foot down. In my case, it was really worth standing up for myself and most importantly, for the sake of DC. As a result, MIL didn't like me anymore but you have to do what's right for your child and for you.

Why do you allow your mil to take your 4 month old for the entire day? I can’t understand this, especially as you admit your dp would rather upset you than her? Time to upset him then and put your foot down. He doesn’t get to send your baby away for the day. Stop people pleasing, stop the visits. Stop her taking the baby off you the second she arrives, it’s awful behaviour. One thing I’ve always been told is to give back the baby as soon as the mum asks, you never hold the baby for hours.

Please restore the balance and stop the madness! So what if you upset her? You need to defend your child. No baby needs should be away from their mum for so long at this age.

I honestly thought I was going to read a post about small stuff since that is what you said. But I do not consider any of this to be small stuff. You are your baby's mum. You know her best. End of. You do not have to hand her over to someone else to keep people happy. Please please be kinder to yourself and do what YOU want to do. Your partner should support you and your decisions that you have made together. X

I cannot believe what I've just read. You have had some great advice already but your MILs behaviour sent shivers up my spine. She seems to.be obsessed. How dare she think she is entitled to have your daughter for that length of time and then monopolise her when she is in your home. Your partner is enabling and encouraging her strange behaviour and poor little lamb wants a break.
Please break the cycle now before it gets even worse. Your poor daughter needs to be with her mother not a borderline deranged grandmother. If she really cared about your daughter's welfare she would be aware that removing a mother from a young baby for long periods of time is wrong.
No, she is not stepping on your toes in small ways she is tramping all over you with steel toe capped boots. So many red flags.

That is waaay to long away from your baby especially with someone you're not comfortable with!

Car seats are an absolute for me. It's safety, why risk anything but the best you can afford
The fact she's gone against that and all the other secret things so early is such a bad sign.
I would be ending all these solo visits immediately and I also wouldn't let dp take her alone as he seems completely untrustworthy.
If she wants some one to one time, maybe she can come ymto yours and take her out in (YOUR) pram? For 30 mins.

Your partner is going to have to pick a side. Does he want to stay with you and your child like an adult and tell his mom that he's the parent, not her and she's going to have to back off?

If he can't or won't tell her that, he's afraid of her reaction and he prioritizes her ahead of you and he's going to have to go back to her. He hasn't fully cut the cord to function as an adult independent of her. He'll be undermining you as a parent to go things her way in your own home. She'll do things her way with him in your home or his unless he stands up and tells her parenting over your baby's actual parents is unacceptable and it stops.

Hw old is he? I'd guess early to mid 20s from the sound of it.

Sorry, where is the help here ? Not everyone wants ten hours off from their baby once a week. OP said she was far from ready for needing this.

Op she's playing mum. It's weird and annoying. Just stop letting her take her for 10 hour day trips unless you actually want her to.

She's your baby not your MILs so you absolutely can say no. She's only four months old and you don't want her to be away from you for over eight hours.

Put your foot down with your pathetic DP. You need to get so angry that your DP is more worried about upsetting you than his overbearing mother.

"This is my only baby with dp"

Now how did I guess that? You are the baby incubator for the Little Inheritor of the Golden Genes and you made the baby with Mummy's Boy

No way. I wouldn't let her have the baby on her own until she can do things the way you want them done. I certainly wouldn't have her in an unsafe car seat and I wouldn't let her have the baby for such a long period. She's only 4 months old! No - put your foot down now.

He wants his mum to be able to take your baby because (a) he wants to please his mum and (b) he can't be arsed to look after his own baby and prefers it when she is with his mum. He's an absolute crap dad.

Your DP and his mum both sound like selfish twats and I bet you would be much happier without them in your life.

I would nip this in the bud asap. I would also not be allowing her to have your baby for all that time if you are uncomfortable with it and she is going against your wishes. This is your child, your mil has had her children for whom she could set her own rules/preferences for. I would be upset about the car seat and the chemical sterilising and would put my foot down politely but firmly about these issues.

Let me guess, MiL always wanted 2 kids? Now she’s seeing her darling boy’s kid as an extension of her too?
You need to try and set some strict boundaries with your DH
The vomiting and cradle cap are healthcare issues over which she has no authority.
Taking the baby from you is controlling.
The comments are demeaning.
She is trying to demean and usurp you.

I love my daughter. She loves me and asks my advice often.
I don't always agree with her new-fangled ways around the baby.
But here's the important part. I don't offer advice unless asked and I never interfere. I always adhere to her preferences and I never buy equipment she hasn't approved.
Because it's not my baby and times and scientific knowledge have changed.
Your MIL is overstepping. You decide where, when why and how.
For sure, you want your child to have a loving granny. But you are the mother and it's your preferences that count.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the replies and have read them all. From the looks of it overbearing mother in laws seem to be quite common.

To answer a few questions, dp is in his early-ish 30’s but lived at home until he met me so is quite clueless when it comes to adult life. When he first moved in I had mil explaining to both of us how bills worked as if I hadn’t moved away from home at 19, been married, had children and got divorced all in the time he was still having his mum handle bills! And I’ve never missed a household bill payment!

He is also an only child and mil has expressively told us that we are not allowed to have anymore children.

I think there might be something in the idea of her trying to redo motherhood but with a girl. Dp has said to me in the past he has the feeling that she doesn’t like that I never needed advice from her. Truthfully it’s that dd is my fourth. I’ve learnt what works for me and what doesn’t and I never needed advice on the day to day of parenting.