Mil stepping on my toes in small ways

[Itsablondebobkindaday]

I would really love some opinions here. I’m happy to be told I’m being unreasonable because I suspect I am being a little touchy and this is very much sweating the small stuff. There’s nothing big where I feel like I’d be justified in saying anything. It’s a lot of little things but it’s really getting me down. So it’s a mil one. Me and dp have a four month old. She’s dp’s only child and the only grandchild for his mother. Mil obviously dotes on dd but it is becoming overbearing and little things are adding up and making me quite annoyed. She’s very opinionated and believes her opinions are right. Truthfully I find her quite disrespectful of anyone else’s feelings or opinions.

She’s started asking to have dd for the day on her own. She has her alone for a good 9/10 hours. I was far from ready for this but dp clearly didn’t want to upset her so I felt like I had to agree. I’ve realised after seeing some pictures from the first time that she’s got a full set of clothes for her that she’s obviously keeping at hers and changing her into as soon as she gets to hers. The lovely outfits I put her in come back barely worn in the changing bag along with all the spares I’ve packed. I can’t help but feel like she’s been seen as a little doll to play dress up with.

My next niggle was regarding car seats. She lives not far off an hour away and it’s mostly motorway driving. Therefore I was extremely selective about what car seat I bought while pregnant and explained to dp that I wanted this car seat used until she’s outgrown it as it has an excellent safety record. Mil has bought her own which I wasn’t made aware of until she turned up with it. It’s not as safe as ours and I’m upset that something I put a lot of thought into and wanted my daughter to use is discarded without so much as a word about it to me. I get that eventually she would have had to get one for her car but I was hoping it would be when dd was a bit older and more solid and that maybe the choice was at least run by me first.

Dd has a dummy. I know many people don’t like them but I have several children who have all had one and no teeth issues. I also like that there’s research suggesting they may slightly protect against SIDS. Mil despises dummies and pretty much told us that dd wasn’t having one. This has led dp to hide the fact we use one until he accidentally posted a photo with it in sight. Mil was not happy about this. I’m concerned of her ever having dd overnight because I know she will let dd scream all night rather than just give her the dummy.

I’m prepared to hear I’m being precious first born about the previous issues (even though this is far from my first!) but this one has got to me. I really don’t like cold water sterilisers and Milton. I personally believe if we can sterilise a bottle without chemicals why would we want to use them. Mil is the total opposite and doesn’t believe things are clean unless there chemically sterilised. When she was a few days old I did use Milton to sterilise to appease her and dd exorcism style projectile vomited her whole feed up. A week later mil was down and we tried again and the same thing happened which led me to conclude that she was better with steam sterilised bottles. Anyway the last two times mil has had dd, the following day she’s been vomiting large quantities up which I’ve found strange. Then dp let slip that mil doesn’t use the bottles we provide. She has her own which knowing her have been sterilised in Milton. While it’s such a tiny thing it’s really bothering me. It’s the one thing I have actively stood up and said to her I don’t like and she’s decided my feelings on it do not matter and done it anyway.

I learnt this morning that she now has her own stroller for dd at her house for when she’s old enough to use it. Again, a very small thing in the grand scheme of things but why is she so adamant to not use anything that I’ve carefully chosen for my daughter. I’m actually starting to question if she thinks my things aren’t good enough.

Dd came back from the last trip bathed and with all her cradle cap scrubbed off. She was bathed the night before so didn’t need a bath but I accept that she could have vomited/had an explosive poo. Dd doesn’t have bad cradle cap to begin with but I wanted it to fall out naturally because when I used products on her sibling lots of her hair came out with it. I had explained this.

Sorry that was long! I’m just feeling really down about it and then I feel pathetic for feeling down about it. None of it is awful. None of it feels worth causing an argument over but I don’t like feeling upset about it. I’m also somewhat concerned what the future is going to look like and the potential for this to become a bigger problem.

This 100%. I'd leave my DH before I let him take my four month old off me for hours against my will, and I don't say that lightly at all. This must be really upsetting for you actually.

Your DP needs to grow a a backbone.

Stop sending your baby off at 4 months to someone else’s house it’s actually insane.

Let your mil know that your DD is very very sick each time she comes back and you suspect it’s the Milton thing and you’re better sticking to a routine at home with her until she is weaned and ready to stay for the day when her stomach is stronger.

I’d say make your DP do the dirty work of banning visits but it sounds like he has no balls (sorry to say) to even be truthful if he has to hide that she has a dummy.

sometimes I cannot believe the stuff I read on here. I can’t believe you pandered to his whim.

She having a redo with a girl baby.

Cut back on how long she has her and refuse to allow her in your MILs car without a car seat you approve of.

If it's either you or his mother upset your husband needs to realise where his priorities lie.

Personally I wouldn't sweat it. You have several other children, you know that none of this actually matters in the long run, I wouldn't risk longterm relationships for temporary niggles. My mil used to do all sorts, she'd send ds back with new haircuts, dd dressed like a Victorian child, lots of things I wouldn't choose to do but I left her to it. It made her happy and it didn't harm the children so whatever.

You need to nip this in the bud. Say her long stays with grandma are no longer convenient . she can see her at your house when dp can supervise. Your baby. Your rules.

Yanbu at all.

Frankly, anyone insisting on spending time alone with a child, away from his/her parents, is a safeguarding concern imo. What does she want to do with the child that she can't do with parents around?! I don't mean abusive necessarily but it is weird.

My dc's grandparents are very much happy and willing to spend time with the dgc without us there, to give us a break or if we need childcare for work reasons, but they don't insist on us being there if we are available. Because there's nothing they want to do with the kids that they aren't happy for us to witness...!

9h is far too long for a small baby to be away from her parents if the parents are available.

The vomiting thing you've noticed after each visit is a huge, huge concern.

You are underreacting, a lot.

I am really surprised you are doubting yourself at all. She is MASSIVELY overstepping. These are not small things at all. She sounds really odd.
Would you feel able to put a stop to the day visits? Saying, you thought you were ready but you're not. I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need from DP!

Yabu to have agreed to this batshittery in the first place.
Be less available..and take your dd with you.

It's all a bit creepy really. MIL is LARPing at being mummy and using your daughter as a prop. An actual human being, a person in her own right, being treated like this. She has bought all her own stuff for this game because she wanted to relive the whole baby shopping thing.

When she gives Miltoned bottles and unnecessary baths, she is putting her own wants and entertainment before your daughters needs. When your DP enables her, he is putting this silly little game she's playing before your daughter's needs and his wife's wishes.

it's high time you put a stop to it.

Im going to assume you are taking the piss? Or can’t read.
Having your tiny baby regularly violently sick after multiple visits is a HUGE red flag

I cannot believe you would hand over a 4 month old to anyone, much less this awful woman.

Why did you have a baby with a mummys boy that cares more about his mum than you?

I feel so sorry for this baby.
She is a dolly for a bossy boots.

I would be looking at ending the relationship and moving away.
Seriously.
So many bad decisions here OP.

I cannot believe anyone would hand a baby of 4 months old over.

No one I have ever known has done this, even to their beloved own mothers.

To hand over a baby to someone that has such a profound disrespect and disregard for you is quite extraordinary.

Please wake up.
Get rid of the loser and his mother.
Scrubbing the babys head, bathing them, dressing them up?
Baby ill after being with her?
Batshit stuff.

You seriously need to get a grip and do what is best for you and your baby! You need to stand up and parent and not let her walk all over you! If you are not comfortable with having your baby away from you for that long of a period then don’t let it happen! She’s your baby and you are in charge start acting like it!

She sounds like a very caring GM to me. Albeit a little over invested. I would do shorter visits but let the differences slide tbh. I bet your DD and her will have a beautiful relationship in the long term, if you allow it.

Be careful what you wish for!

Yeah, your first is a boy right?
Just say no to her going and see less of her. You seem very passive.
Red flags all over the place with your DP. Are you married?

You’re free to change your mind about anything anytime you like. Especially with your child. So actually Maud, I’ve decided I don’t want baby away from me. You’re welcome to visit. End of. Stand up to her yourself because your partner won’t.

Jeez that's a bit rude, it would quite exceptional for me to be able write but not read. 'Violently sick' is dramatic, 4 month olds throw up their feeds sometimes, Milton has been around for a very long time. They gave it to me to steralise bottles when my baby was in hospital, it isn't poison.

YABU about the clothes, I’d let that go.
The car seat - I assume it’s a car seat sold in the UK suitable for a baby of your child’s age and size? If so, the provided it wasn’t second hand, I think you’re unreasonable. It will meet all necessary safety regulations.

The dummy thing - I would say this is irrelevant because you don’t want your MIL to have her overnight and shouldn’t be railroaded into it. Same for her having her for hours at a time during the day. I’d stop this. Don’t be bullied by her, and don’t let your husband facilitate it. It’s not even slightly unreasonable to not want your four month old taken away for 10 hr days!

Why did anyone think it would be reasonable for DD to spend 9-20 hours with MIL at 4 months old?
It obviously isn't and its causing all sorts of problems so it needs to stop now. I wouldn't allow MIL to be alone with DD at all tbh. Goodness knows what she is thinking but it's not about what is best for DD, that's for sure.

I think ive left out a "not" or two in there, typing in a hurry...

I think op you need to focus on the main concerns because the irrelevant stuff is confusing things.

A car seat is a car seat, if it meets uk standards it'll be fine. Some of the other things in your list aren't that important, like clothing choices.

The main, big concerns are:

Mil is insisting on having time with your baby alone, without witnesses there. Creepy. Concerning. And for nine hours!!

Baby vomits after each visit. You have noticed this pattern. You know what she is like, she is not usually like this. You think it's because of Milton but what if it's something else?! You have absolutely no idea wtf she is putting in your baby's mouth...

You also dont know if she is letting other adults have access to your child.

I cross posted with this... totally agree about the car seat and dummy, these are somewhat irrelevant to the main, glaring concerns

I voted YABU for letting her have your baby and do things you don’t agree with.
She’s had her kids , this baby is yours, irrelevant if she’s your first or your 10th baby.
These are not small things and will only get worse.
What next ?

This is my only baby with dp. My other children are with my ex husband and this has all perplexed me so much because ex mil was nothing like this. If anything she was too passive! She’d always say she couldn’t stand her in laws being a law unto themselves and so wouldn’t do anything without express permission first. I actually saw her in passing at my ex’s house not long ago and she asked my permission if she could come peek at newborn in her pram which was right in front of her. That made me laugh… anyway, I went off on a tangent there.

Dp likes her going over there because he likes the break. He’s of the opinion that as long as she comes back in one piece is it worth the hassle of saying anything. He’s not getting that this means I’m permanently a bit upset while everyone else is hunky dory. I’m not even expecting his back up on everything. Things like the clothes, pram, etc I can let go because while I think they’re weird, they’re not causing harm at the end of the day. It’s the bottles and dummy I’m struggling with. I think whether dd has a dummy and how her bottles are sterilised are very much parental decisions.

He also thinks how his mother is behaving is totally normal and I’m off for having an issue with it.

I think that proves your biggest problem is not your MIL then….

So are you going to stop the 9-10 hour visits?

She’s a horror and a red flag. Are you frightened to tell your DP that this is too far from her parents at too young an age and a total disrespecting of your parenting and a no?

I’d tell DP that she has overstepped can buy a dolly if she wants one

I’d message her and say “Baby has been sick the last few times she came back from yours. Maybe she was just out of routine or missing her mummy - or her dummy! We appreciate your childcare but are going to stop the weekly visits for a while until she is a bit older.”

And then never let them start again and DP can handle her losing her cool, which no doubt she will. I’d be finding things to do on a Tuesday - health visitor appointments, playgroups, whatever.