Mil stepping on my toes in small ways

[Itsablondebobkindaday]

I would really love some opinions here. I’m happy to be told I’m being unreasonable because I suspect I am being a little touchy and this is very much sweating the small stuff. There’s nothing big where I feel like I’d be justified in saying anything. It’s a lot of little things but it’s really getting me down. So it’s a mil one. Me and dp have a four month old. She’s dp’s only child and the only grandchild for his mother. Mil obviously dotes on dd but it is becoming overbearing and little things are adding up and making me quite annoyed. She’s very opinionated and believes her opinions are right. Truthfully I find her quite disrespectful of anyone else’s feelings or opinions.

She’s started asking to have dd for the day on her own. She has her alone for a good 9/10 hours. I was far from ready for this but dp clearly didn’t want to upset her so I felt like I had to agree. I’ve realised after seeing some pictures from the first time that she’s got a full set of clothes for her that she’s obviously keeping at hers and changing her into as soon as she gets to hers. The lovely outfits I put her in come back barely worn in the changing bag along with all the spares I’ve packed. I can’t help but feel like she’s been seen as a little doll to play dress up with.

My next niggle was regarding car seats. She lives not far off an hour away and it’s mostly motorway driving. Therefore I was extremely selective about what car seat I bought while pregnant and explained to dp that I wanted this car seat used until she’s outgrown it as it has an excellent safety record. Mil has bought her own which I wasn’t made aware of until she turned up with it. It’s not as safe as ours and I’m upset that something I put a lot of thought into and wanted my daughter to use is discarded without so much as a word about it to me. I get that eventually she would have had to get one for her car but I was hoping it would be when dd was a bit older and more solid and that maybe the choice was at least run by me first.

Dd has a dummy. I know many people don’t like them but I have several children who have all had one and no teeth issues. I also like that there’s research suggesting they may slightly protect against SIDS. Mil despises dummies and pretty much told us that dd wasn’t having one. This has led dp to hide the fact we use one until he accidentally posted a photo with it in sight. Mil was not happy about this. I’m concerned of her ever having dd overnight because I know she will let dd scream all night rather than just give her the dummy.

I’m prepared to hear I’m being precious first born about the previous issues (even though this is far from my first!) but this one has got to me. I really don’t like cold water sterilisers and Milton. I personally believe if we can sterilise a bottle without chemicals why would we want to use them. Mil is the total opposite and doesn’t believe things are clean unless there chemically sterilised. When she was a few days old I did use Milton to sterilise to appease her and dd exorcism style projectile vomited her whole feed up. A week later mil was down and we tried again and the same thing happened which led me to conclude that she was better with steam sterilised bottles. Anyway the last two times mil has had dd, the following day she’s been vomiting large quantities up which I’ve found strange. Then dp let slip that mil doesn’t use the bottles we provide. She has her own which knowing her have been sterilised in Milton. While it’s such a tiny thing it’s really bothering me. It’s the one thing I have actively stood up and said to her I don’t like and she’s decided my feelings on it do not matter and done it anyway.

I learnt this morning that she now has her own stroller for dd at her house for when she’s old enough to use it. Again, a very small thing in the grand scheme of things but why is she so adamant to not use anything that I’ve carefully chosen for my daughter. I’m actually starting to question if she thinks my things aren’t good enough.

Dd came back from the last trip bathed and with all her cradle cap scrubbed off. She was bathed the night before so didn’t need a bath but I accept that she could have vomited/had an explosive poo. Dd doesn’t have bad cradle cap to begin with but I wanted it to fall out naturally because when I used products on her sibling lots of her hair came out with it. I had explained this.

Sorry that was long! I’m just feeling really down about it and then I feel pathetic for feeling down about it. None of it is awful. None of it feels worth causing an argument over but I don’t like feeling upset about it. I’m also somewhat concerned what the future is going to look like and the potential for this to become a bigger problem.

Grow a pair about car seat safety, at the very least. It's absolutely ok for you to not be ok with this and communicate it to your partner for him to manage with his family.

Why are you handing over your young baby so much?! I could never have done that for 9/10 hours at 4 months old. Maybe 2 hours. YANBU, but yabu to be giving her so much opportunity and input into her young life.

Every time she comes over she immediately takes dd out of my arms and then proceeds to hold her the entire time she’s here. That could be 4/5 hours. I’ll make a bottle and just pass it to her because I’m aware she’s not going to give her back. Likewise she’ll change her. I’ve tried to see it as her wanting to spend as much time with her as possible but I’ve never much liked having dd taken without asking.

Next time she comes over, keep your dd in a sling right on you. Proceed to babywear for the duration of the visit. Or simply figure out how to turn away so dd is too hard for her to reach. And as a last resort, work on your command tone to tell her to Give. Back. My. Child. NOW.

Oh my goodness. I know it's been said but so not let her take your baby anywhere you don't want her to. Do not hand the baby over to her when she comes over. Do not accept her coming over if she can't treat you with respect. Is DP working? How come he does so little? Unless he is 100% behind you in excluding MIL, he goes too.

Its quite exasperating that you've had 4 children, a marriage and ran a home but you seem unable to find your voice with either of these 2!! Where did you find such a wet wipe of a DP and what attracted you to him?

You need to start saying clearly to this woman that you are the mum not her and your decisions are final. Remind her that you have raised 4 children and she has only raised one.

Having read your update I fear you’re in for a long haul here. Only child who only left home when he met you? Your MIL probably resents you for taking away her precious son. Most parents encourage independence from their children and it says a lot about both of them that this didn’t happen here. Make a firm stand now otherwise your entire life with DP will be dominated by his mother. Been there, got the t-shirt unfortunately.

I originally posted yabu as I thought that it was irritating but small things. But reading your updates she sounds completely batshit. And your husband does not seem supportive of you at all which is an even bigger issue.

this

This is almost territorial. And ownership.
Your MIL is behaving in an irrational and peculiar way. It is not her child.

I am afraid you will have to brace yourself for tears, hysterics, accusations you name it.

But let it happen. The child is yours. You are her mother. And let MIL know it.

With some people you have to be so blunt you are feeling as if you are rude. I get the feeling MIL is one such person.

Stop handing her over and stand up for yourself and your baby!

Then I’m afraid this will only get worse - you have a DH problem just as big as your MIL problem!

You need to dig deep & stand up
to both of them & consider if you can spend the rest of your life with a mummy’s boy who will never have your back.

Your husband is so afraid to stand up to his mother that he will throw his baby, and you, under the bus.

Don't let her do the same thing to her granddaughter - teach her that only Grandma's will matters, and you have to bow to grandma.

It's ok - it's absolutely necessary for you to stand up to Grandma and to model that to your daughter. It's also, @Itsablondebobkindaday , absolutely necessary to do it for your own sake. Your MiL's will is NOT more important than your own.

9 - 10 hours with her at 4 months old is outrageous. The fact she is so domineering makes it ten times worse.

You have steel in your backbone. Use it! You ARE right to.

Thank you so much everyone. I don’t have an update as such other than I’ve made it very clear to dp that dd is too young to be away from me for that long at the moment and it’s not happening again. Unfortunately he’s taken the path of avoidance with his mother and is now ignoring all her calls and texts which means she’s now texting me.

Truthfully I’m just really down. I know when it comes to his mum he’s never fully going to have my back. I feel like I do everything to make everyone else happy and my needs aren’t considered. For example, a couple of weeks ago I took out finance for a car. I don’t drive so this is for his benefit far more than mine. He has awful credit so can’t get finance before anyone asks. I explained that I was only willing to do it if it benefits everyone not just him. Mostly I wanted it to be able to take the children on days out. He agreed. He uses said car for work every day so he doesn’t have to do the ten minute walk each way. I asked if we can take the kids to soft play as he’s finishing midday today and he’s in ten hours tomorrow so I didn’t want them going stir crazy in the house two days in a row and he’s moody about it. The first week we got the car he’s telling me he’s going to take the baby on a leisurely outing when he gets in from work leaving me with the chaos of dinner, bath and bed time for the other three. I’m listening to this thinking, great! I’ve sorted out a car to make life easier for us but you’re taking it to avoid the difficult parts leaving things harder for me.

The one that still stings though and is making me question whether I want this relationship. He knows marriage is important to me and I’d like to start the ball moving on it soon. Not long after we got the car and my oldest three were at there dads he decided he was going to take the baby on a nice trip to the beach. Lovely… except I wasn’t invited. He wanted ‘daddy daughter time’. This really hurt. We’d had the car less than a week. It was me forking out 80% of the starting costs. For example I’d paid 70% of the deposit, I’d paid for his insurance, filling it up, not to mention all the admin of sorting out the finance and then I’m told he’s taking dd on her first trip to the beach and leaving me twiddling my thumbs at home. Anyway, this resulted in a big argument which ended in him blurting out he was actually going to look at an engagement ring. I thought this was unlikely as he didn’t have any money saved or means to buy one but I was hopeful nonetheless. Since then he’s admitted he has no money saved for one, his hobby is doing a special 30th aniversary in September so all his spare money will very likely go on that and he has no intention of proposing until next year. I feel like he dangled the one thing I wanted in an argument to shut me up knowing it was all lies.

I just feel like crying everyday.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry to read this. It’s not much consolation but it’s probably better to realise this now rather than 10, 20 years down the line when he’s spent all your money. Men like this very rarely change. I’m really sorry.

He wants to drive a 4 month old baby to the beach! Just tell your MIL you are ending the days she has your DD until she is older you could quote her vomiting and being unsettled when returned to you. Your DH is scared of his mum I think. 2 hours up and down the motorway in a day is too much for a baby

Oh my love, of course you're upset - you've got a lot on your plate. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do and whether he is capable of being the supportive husband that you need him to be remains to be seen. He sounds fundamentally quite stupid and lacking in knowledge of life and relationships. Don't let this man steer your ship.

Things to remember:

• He doesn't seem to have the slightest clue about children or babies so stop letting him make any decisions related to them.
• There is no need for anyone to have their own time with the baby - what a load of bollocks. She needs to be close to her mother...let's take it back to nature and how other mammals care for their young. He does not need Daddy Daughter time...madness. Makes me wonder if his Mum is involved in this in some way...this possessiveness of 'their' time.
• You are a full grown woman - you give in to nothing when it comes to the care of you and your children. Your opinion is enough and who cares if they think differently.

What have you tried with him so far? Have you tried absolutely losing your shit with him? Are you confident when you address issues with him? How is your communication or have you given up?

Essentially, what is there to save of this relationship. What does he bring to the table? Start there and if it isn't very much then what are you fighting for? Do you really need this man? Why do you want to marry him? Things will only get worse and then you'll be financially bound together.

Also, I would threaten him with the car. You can look into how you would return it and let him know that he needs to buck up or that's going back. He doesn't sound like a family man at all.

Truthfully I’ve tried loosing my shit and I’ve tried threatening him with the car. Neither works. I hate to say it but he’s pig ignorant. He is adamant he’s right about everything and anything I say is just ignored. You can not ‘win’ an argument with him. Even his mum will attest to that.

I think making him leave for a few days may work but he’ll only go if he can take the car to get to work. As the car is legally mine and I’m the one stuck paying for it i’m not willing for him to take it. I’ve already had this argument with his mother who was here last time I asked him to leave. She told him to take the car and I said no. She wouldn’t accept me politely telling her no over and over so I had to resort to telling them I’d report it stolen if it leaves with him.

This shit show sounds worse with every post.

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. Your MIL is playing mummy to a daughter and freezing you out. Watch she doesn’t start calling herself mummy rather than granny/nana. What about your tiny child’s attachment? She’s spending so much time away from you firm bonding and attachment must surely be at risk?

Get rid of the car. He’s not grown up enough to have a car if he’s in his 30s and can’t afford one. His daddy-daughter time may well include his mother if you won’t let her have her on her own any more.

You poor thing. But you know deep down what’s right for your child, and this current shitshow isn’t it.

You financed a car when you don't drive?

Time to learn or return that car if you have a grace period. Do not let him take it.

Why didn't your partner finance it if he is the driver? Does he have bad credit?

Block his mom. Lock your doors and don't answer if she comes over.

I think it's time to split up. This is going south very badly.

Who owns the home?

Christ, this is more than the MIL! He sounds like a man child mummies boy, who takes and never gives - your baby is 4 months old and he already needs a ‘break’ away ( even though you do all the work and have 3 other DC !)
Read what @SpinandSing says above, it is spot on.

Do you think these extended “father and daughter” trips were actually father and daughter and his mummy trips without meanie you spoiling their fun?

@Itsablondebobkindaday

Did he actually take the baby to the beach or did he take her to his mums?

The more you write the more I think you've got massive problems with him, as well as her.

Can you stop the car finance? He's broken his promises to you; he is taking severe advantage of you financially and future faking. At this point ... and I think you know this, lovely ... there's not much future as a loving couple where both of you are working on the relationship.

Also, please please read Toxic Parents in Law by Susan Forward.

Yes say no. She is my daughter not yours. You had your child - there he is.

this is my baby. This is not a toy. A child needs to bond with its mother. Not his mother. Just say no. Say no to her car seat and just eek! No no no she can come once a fortnight for an hour and that is it. She is driving a wedge and your husband needs to protect you from his controlling absorbed mother. He needs to protect his wife and what she wants.

Oh ffs. He’s just come in and the reason she’s calling constantly is to ask is she can have her overnight. This feels like it can’t get any worse.