Mil stepping on my toes in small ways

[Itsablondebobkindaday]

I would really love some opinions here. I’m happy to be told I’m being unreasonable because I suspect I am being a little touchy and this is very much sweating the small stuff. There’s nothing big where I feel like I’d be justified in saying anything. It’s a lot of little things but it’s really getting me down. So it’s a mil one. Me and dp have a four month old. She’s dp’s only child and the only grandchild for his mother. Mil obviously dotes on dd but it is becoming overbearing and little things are adding up and making me quite annoyed. She’s very opinionated and believes her opinions are right. Truthfully I find her quite disrespectful of anyone else’s feelings or opinions.

She’s started asking to have dd for the day on her own. She has her alone for a good 9/10 hours. I was far from ready for this but dp clearly didn’t want to upset her so I felt like I had to agree. I’ve realised after seeing some pictures from the first time that she’s got a full set of clothes for her that she’s obviously keeping at hers and changing her into as soon as she gets to hers. The lovely outfits I put her in come back barely worn in the changing bag along with all the spares I’ve packed. I can’t help but feel like she’s been seen as a little doll to play dress up with.

My next niggle was regarding car seats. She lives not far off an hour away and it’s mostly motorway driving. Therefore I was extremely selective about what car seat I bought while pregnant and explained to dp that I wanted this car seat used until she’s outgrown it as it has an excellent safety record. Mil has bought her own which I wasn’t made aware of until she turned up with it. It’s not as safe as ours and I’m upset that something I put a lot of thought into and wanted my daughter to use is discarded without so much as a word about it to me. I get that eventually she would have had to get one for her car but I was hoping it would be when dd was a bit older and more solid and that maybe the choice was at least run by me first.

Dd has a dummy. I know many people don’t like them but I have several children who have all had one and no teeth issues. I also like that there’s research suggesting they may slightly protect against SIDS. Mil despises dummies and pretty much told us that dd wasn’t having one. This has led dp to hide the fact we use one until he accidentally posted a photo with it in sight. Mil was not happy about this. I’m concerned of her ever having dd overnight because I know she will let dd scream all night rather than just give her the dummy.

I’m prepared to hear I’m being precious first born about the previous issues (even though this is far from my first!) but this one has got to me. I really don’t like cold water sterilisers and Milton. I personally believe if we can sterilise a bottle without chemicals why would we want to use them. Mil is the total opposite and doesn’t believe things are clean unless there chemically sterilised. When she was a few days old I did use Milton to sterilise to appease her and dd exorcism style projectile vomited her whole feed up. A week later mil was down and we tried again and the same thing happened which led me to conclude that she was better with steam sterilised bottles. Anyway the last two times mil has had dd, the following day she’s been vomiting large quantities up which I’ve found strange. Then dp let slip that mil doesn’t use the bottles we provide. She has her own which knowing her have been sterilised in Milton. While it’s such a tiny thing it’s really bothering me. It’s the one thing I have actively stood up and said to her I don’t like and she’s decided my feelings on it do not matter and done it anyway.

I learnt this morning that she now has her own stroller for dd at her house for when she’s old enough to use it. Again, a very small thing in the grand scheme of things but why is she so adamant to not use anything that I’ve carefully chosen for my daughter. I’m actually starting to question if she thinks my things aren’t good enough.

Dd came back from the last trip bathed and with all her cradle cap scrubbed off. She was bathed the night before so didn’t need a bath but I accept that she could have vomited/had an explosive poo. Dd doesn’t have bad cradle cap to begin with but I wanted it to fall out naturally because when I used products on her sibling lots of her hair came out with it. I had explained this.

Sorry that was long! I’m just feeling really down about it and then I feel pathetic for feeling down about it. None of it is awful. None of it feels worth causing an argument over but I don’t like feeling upset about it. I’m also somewhat concerned what the future is going to look like and the potential for this to become a bigger problem.

He doesn’t financially or emotionally or physically care for his child. Why are you with him? You can always get a taxi in an emergency or public transport for days out.

OP, your relationship is already crumbling. Don't marry him, he could get half your assets when you finally have had enough of him & his mother.
You need your house, not half if it.
He is not paying his way, he is spending all his money in cardboard…
FFS.

Theres been a couple of threads knocking about recently that made me think of this song…

? I thought people were suggesting it as O P seemed to want a ring.
Not that it would betoken anything to do with him let alone an engagement.
I think we are all agreed that she needs to remove him from her house and personal life.
Maybe the idea of the ring was symbolic of her own commitment to herself.

There is your problem, right there! He’s a mummy’s boy! Unless you nip this in the bud right now you will forever be walked all over and he will just look the other way!
I can’t believe she would go against your wishes not to use Milton if it’s actually causing DD to vomit.
You need to say that these things are instructions and if they are not followed correctly there will be no further unsupervised access.
Good luck op

another one who hasn't rtft

OP, you need your head examined. You’re focusing on an engagement when this is a man who calls you vile, who earns a pittance, who can’t stand up to his mother, who’s a useless father, who is lazy. What a catch.

Haven’t RTFT, only your posts OP but I think MIL is the least of your worries here. You had three children and divorced their dad, rather than staying single or casually dating when they were with dad you decided to move in and have a baby with a literal man child.

Alarm bells should have started as soon as he said he lived with his mum and had never lived alone, despite being in his 30s. That coupled with the Pokémon card obsession and over reliance on mummy screams arrested development. You also say he doesn’t pay his fair share of bills and you’re covering the vast majority? I can see why he’s such a catch to be honest.

I think you are right she is overbearing but you’ve allowed her to have your baby and it will be difficult to stop now.

my daughter in law died, l only have one child (not through choice) I found it one of the most difficult relationships I’ve ever had with anyone, she tried to undermine me with everything and I’m don’t interfere and don’t offer an opinion unless asked but this girl couldn’t resist trying to make herself look better than me.

I get that marriage is important to you given you have a child together, and would make you feel more secure. But you will never really feel secure being married to a man with lots of debt (accumulated despite living at home until he was over the age of 30). I wouldn’t be encouraging a sale of cards in exchange for an engagement ring but rather to pay more down on the debt and get that cleared asap. Once that’s done you can think about whether you really want to be married to him.

Absolutely agree with this and have been there myself.

Was she like this with the others? Or is this the first baby with your partner?

I'd really listen to the fact that he respects his mother's wishes over yours. In hindsight, I'd have walked.

No it's not, you simply say you tried and feel uncomfortable with being away from your very young baby. She's your baby OP, it can stop any time.

I also couldn't believe it when people would come to me and take my baby from me without asking. It's their problem and I wish I'd called them out on it now - my children are much older. You are 4 months post partum OP - both your DP and your MIL are failing to treat you with respect. Is there someone in real life you can talk to who will support you to make some boundaries? Otherwise, I have seen this play out. The disregard for your feelings is a red flag - you are the child's mother and the most important person in the child's life right now. It's simple - as a community, everyone needs to support the child's mother and this is not happening here. I'm concerned about the gaslighting too. Your feelings are important and should not be dismissed by your DP. I hope you can get this sorted - I do think it will be a simple as you thinking about your boundaries, finding the right language and then finding someone in RL to back you up when you feel pressured and have some uncomfortable conversations.

So sorry - have just read further on the thread. Your boundaries need to extend to not marrying this man. I do hope there is someone you can lean on in RL to realise that you can enjoy your life with your new baby and cut all of this drama out of your life. I don't think it will be that hard given neither DP nor MIL have been supportive and have instead made your life harder. Focus on your little one - the problems will just get bigger if you stay in this relationship.

Ive heard of setting the bar low before OP but you would have been better off adopting a rescue cat than the man you chose to bring a child into the world with

crikey

OP, you sound awesome and DP doesn't. He is contributing nothing positive here. He is like an extra child. I cannot fathom what you found attractive about him. It feels like you have taken over where his mother left off!

Please send him and his Pokémon cards back to her. Keep the car and learn to drive. He's not even taking you places in the car you have bought for him because despite working and living at home he spent all his money on Pokémon cards!!! You can do so so much better. I think your life will be much better with him housed elsewhere. Big hug. This sounds intolerable on so many levels.

You have got 5 children, he’s the 5th. You deserve so much better. Marriage won’t lead to a new maturity, I don’t know why you’re so keen.

I used to care for my grandchildren a lot, both to cover working situations, and also to give the parents a break. This was from a very early age ie. younger than 4 months, and including overnights. I did have clothes that I bought, admittedly, as I think babies are more comfortable in soft clothing rather than, for example, stiff denim. It also meant less washing for the parents to do. I also had a buggy and car seat, as it made life easier than swapping over, especially if their car was elsewhere, as they were all ‘one car families’.

However, I would never have gone against the babies’ routines, or made any changes to their feeds etc. The only thing I didn’t do with the older children, was buy them sweets! Lego/books/fruit, yes, but no sweets.

Fortunately, I always had an excellent relationship with the parents, who trusted me to take care of their children. I felt it was a privilege.

In what way have I not read this thread?

How can you afford holidays abroad every year with 4 children and your partner doesn't support you financially?

Read the full thread, or at least the OP's posts, then you'll know.

The MiL is not really the major problem.

When I read this, I wondered whether my ex DP secretly had another family that he went to because of the similarities.

The middle stage with mine was that after I had funded his entire life after leaving his mother's house at the age of 40 to come to mine, as well as set up a business in which he was employed, he had a windfall inheritance, and bought himself a house that our child and I couldn't live in as it was out of the school district. I put up with that and reframed the heartbreak into "Oh how great....we can be one of those amazing families with two different houses! At the end of the day he must be thinking of us because we'll all get on better that way!" Except to this day. I have never been invited to his house and at one point when my health was really low and my own house was in a bit of a state, he point blank refused me coming over for a couple of days to get some headspace. Oh and yeah we did not get on better. I think I was in tears pretty much every single day for 6 years.

The end stage with mine was that I had bruises.

Get out now. Please.

because this has looooong gone past telling the Mil not to use Milton

Your focus is completely skewed.

This isn't about whether you bought the car for the right reasons. The reasons you bought it for aren't relevant if you don't get to use it for days out with the kids because DP has the car all day parked 10 minutes down the road because he can't be arsed walking to work. You don't have the security of easy travel in emergencies because DP has it all day at work. You're paying out all that money and STILL have no car.

This isn't about who pays for the ring. He collects pokemon cards and is scared of his Mum getting cross at him? He's 14. You've got a 14 year old cocklodger partner. Buying your own ring will just confirm you're now ENGAGED to a giant 14 year old cocklodger, instead of just LIVING WITH one. Forget the ring, dealing with the manchild should be a more pressing matter.

Your other half has a 'hobby' of buying children's things for himself. That's as much of a hobby as my 'hobby' of buying Kate Spade bags. Please learn to stand up for your yourself and implement expectations and boundaries that someone in your shoes should have, and deserves to have. Decide what you want your everyday life to look like and focus on what needs to change to get that. I don't mean who pays for the ring, I mean deeper than that - your needs and whether someone fulfills then and what they bring to the table. It just sounds like he's left one Mums house and moved straight in with a replacement Mum.

Jeez, typing this I'd totally forgotten about the Mother in law. You're a grown, adulting Mum, who pays bills, looks after kids, deals with school/nursery, work, whatever, and she's treating you like a moron who couldn't be trusted to find their way back from the canteen after lunchbreak. It's good you've put your foot down with the visits, long may this stance, against her doing what she wants, continue!! Be strong, make the 14 year act like a man, or tell him where to shove it, and may you grow in strength and belief of what your life could and should be.

If this thread is real, please get some bloody counselling.

Your reactions are not normal.

Get this loser out of your house. Chatting pokemon with your son and watching them while you go to the gym is not a good enough reason to keep him around. Please tell me he doesn’t smoke anywhere in the house?!