Mil stepping on my toes in small ways

[Itsablondebobkindaday]

I would really love some opinions here. I’m happy to be told I’m being unreasonable because I suspect I am being a little touchy and this is very much sweating the small stuff. There’s nothing big where I feel like I’d be justified in saying anything. It’s a lot of little things but it’s really getting me down. So it’s a mil one. Me and dp have a four month old. She’s dp’s only child and the only grandchild for his mother. Mil obviously dotes on dd but it is becoming overbearing and little things are adding up and making me quite annoyed. She’s very opinionated and believes her opinions are right. Truthfully I find her quite disrespectful of anyone else’s feelings or opinions.

She’s started asking to have dd for the day on her own. She has her alone for a good 9/10 hours. I was far from ready for this but dp clearly didn’t want to upset her so I felt like I had to agree. I’ve realised after seeing some pictures from the first time that she’s got a full set of clothes for her that she’s obviously keeping at hers and changing her into as soon as she gets to hers. The lovely outfits I put her in come back barely worn in the changing bag along with all the spares I’ve packed. I can’t help but feel like she’s been seen as a little doll to play dress up with.

My next niggle was regarding car seats. She lives not far off an hour away and it’s mostly motorway driving. Therefore I was extremely selective about what car seat I bought while pregnant and explained to dp that I wanted this car seat used until she’s outgrown it as it has an excellent safety record. Mil has bought her own which I wasn’t made aware of until she turned up with it. It’s not as safe as ours and I’m upset that something I put a lot of thought into and wanted my daughter to use is discarded without so much as a word about it to me. I get that eventually she would have had to get one for her car but I was hoping it would be when dd was a bit older and more solid and that maybe the choice was at least run by me first.

Dd has a dummy. I know many people don’t like them but I have several children who have all had one and no teeth issues. I also like that there’s research suggesting they may slightly protect against SIDS. Mil despises dummies and pretty much told us that dd wasn’t having one. This has led dp to hide the fact we use one until he accidentally posted a photo with it in sight. Mil was not happy about this. I’m concerned of her ever having dd overnight because I know she will let dd scream all night rather than just give her the dummy.

I’m prepared to hear I’m being precious first born about the previous issues (even though this is far from my first!) but this one has got to me. I really don’t like cold water sterilisers and Milton. I personally believe if we can sterilise a bottle without chemicals why would we want to use them. Mil is the total opposite and doesn’t believe things are clean unless there chemically sterilised. When she was a few days old I did use Milton to sterilise to appease her and dd exorcism style projectile vomited her whole feed up. A week later mil was down and we tried again and the same thing happened which led me to conclude that she was better with steam sterilised bottles. Anyway the last two times mil has had dd, the following day she’s been vomiting large quantities up which I’ve found strange. Then dp let slip that mil doesn’t use the bottles we provide. She has her own which knowing her have been sterilised in Milton. While it’s such a tiny thing it’s really bothering me. It’s the one thing I have actively stood up and said to her I don’t like and she’s decided my feelings on it do not matter and done it anyway.

I learnt this morning that she now has her own stroller for dd at her house for when she’s old enough to use it. Again, a very small thing in the grand scheme of things but why is she so adamant to not use anything that I’ve carefully chosen for my daughter. I’m actually starting to question if she thinks my things aren’t good enough.

Dd came back from the last trip bathed and with all her cradle cap scrubbed off. She was bathed the night before so didn’t need a bath but I accept that she could have vomited/had an explosive poo. Dd doesn’t have bad cradle cap to begin with but I wanted it to fall out naturally because when I used products on her sibling lots of her hair came out with it. I had explained this.

Sorry that was long! I’m just feeling really down about it and then I feel pathetic for feeling down about it. None of it is awful. None of it feels worth causing an argument over but I don’t like feeling upset about it. I’m also somewhat concerned what the future is going to look like and the potential for this to become a bigger problem.

Also I want to explain about the Milton. I don’t think it’s poison and I know it’s been used for decades. My mum used it to clean my bottles when I was a baby. I just feel like if we have options these days to get the same result without having to use chemicals surely that’s preferable. When I used it there was a really strong chlorine smell which mil kept telling me was normal but I wouldn’t want to drink from a glass that smelt like that.

Some of your stuff sounds a bit immaterial- it really doesn’t matter if mil has her own clothes or stroller, for instance. But suspect these are, to some extent, a reaction to the stress of, basically, just not trusting her. As you’ve probably realised, your DH and his relationship with his mother is a huge part of the issue here. He needs to find the character to stand up to his DM. He should never have pressured you to let MiL have her for so long at this age. He shouldn’t be scared to tell his DM that the two of you are doing things in your way and she needs to respect it.

I would tell MiL that you don’t know what the reason is, maybe it’s the car journey, but DC is obviously unsettled my the visits as is very sick the next day each time. So you are going to put a pause on them until DC is older.

And have a serious conversation with DH about who he prioritises.

Also I’m going to put a stop to the visits. I think I needed to hear that I’m not mean for not wanting dd away from me for so long. I absolutely hate her being taken up and down the motorway for realistically no good reason. I’m always on pins the whole time.

Your partner wants a break? How often does he look after the baby by himself?

You are sending your 4 month old dd to your mil for 9 to 10 hours per day ?
WHY ??

That sounds batsh*t @Itsablondebobkindaday

Buy her a baby born and tell her to fuck off! Cheeky cow

But it may well not even be Milton that's making her vomit. You've got no idea what on earth your mil is giving her. Seriously, 9h is a very long time. Does she invite any other adults over during these long days? How would you even know?

4 months old is so young, most nurseries won't accept babies that young.

I really don’t want to detail the thread here. He will watch her for 1 hour and 10 minutes for me to go to the gym 3/4 times a week. All other care is done by me. I don’t think he’s given her a bottle this week and he gave her one last week. I get up with her every morning which he says is fine because he stayed up (twenty minutes) to make her bottles.

Your partner wants a break from a newborn?
Bloody hell.
It just gets worse and worse.
I don't mean to be harsh but what on earth are you doing OP?

So, I wouldn't be letting my baby or toddler have sleepovers anywhere, for any reason, until old enough to defend themselves against sociopaths / predators (or at least tell someone about it) - sorry for being blunt, I just have no idea why anyone is letting GPs or anyone at all have sleepovers with their child.

Anyone acting like they were my child's parent, buying absolutely anything for them without prior agreement, would just be banned immediately from visits. But that would be moot as they wouldn't be having unsupervised contact anyway so no need for another car seat etc.

Nothing you have described is trivial. It's undermining and disgusting behaviour to ignore a parent's wishes. Tell your partner to stand up for you and his child. What parent is fine with their baby vomiting due to a GP ignoring wishes?

She sounds similar to my MIL when my dd was born. She used to dress her in those big frilly dresses! Had the stroller ect those things I just let it be but I did tell her when she kept buying those clothes that it wasn't the style of clothes I liked so it was a waste of money. She never got the hint but it was harmless. There is no way I would have left my 4 month old with anyone for that long. This is the good thing with breastfeeding no one can take your baby away as they need you and you alone. Op just stand your ground, she can stay with nanny when she's older or your back to work. Now is precious time. Your husband is an arse if he doesn't realise this. A comprise would be to have baby for 2/3 hours when you go out for a date night every now and then. It seems odd she didn't treat your firstborn the same though. Why not? Was she working when the other child was a baby or is it that first child is a boy?

“Look DP, MIL. I’m unhappy about several things that I don’t think are right for DD. Let’s clear the air and start again. We don’t want to fall out, do we?

DD won’t be coming for long days again for a while. It’s disruptive for her and I feel it’s too soon for her to be away from her mum for so long at a time. Shorter visits will obviously be ok, either at ours or we all come to you.

i’m putting my foot down about sterilising and dummies. It’s a decision I’ve made and which DP doesn’t have a problem with. Please stick with our choices.

I’d like to be involved with choices around what equipment is used for DD. I won’t have chosen the car seat or buggy you’ve got, for instance. and as her parent, I have a say in decisions which involve her safety.

this might sound like small issues, but it’s important that we are all comfortable with the way DD is cared for. I really don’t want us to fall out about things that can be so easily sorted. “

@Itsablondebobkindaday and what made you think your partner was good dad material? How much break does he need?

10/10 comment, no notes!

She has her alone for a good 9/10 hours. I was far from ready for this but dp clearly didn’t want to upset her so I felt like I had to agree.

This is the only thing that would’ve upset me. Say no to this. The car seat (if it’s for the right age) and Milton wouldn’t bother me.

You’re not being unreasonable at all and you know you’re not- this isn’t your first rodeo. You need to start firmly pushing back. The correct car seat is used. Dummies are used. No overnights until you are ready. If you don’t want to spend a day apart from your young baby right now then say no. It’s normal and natural to want to be with your baby at this age day in and day out.

Your husband seems to be scared of upsetting his mum but has no problem upsetting you. You need to have an honest conversation about that.

Good, this is madness. If your mil wants to see her she can come and visit. Please don't feel like you need to hide or change they way you parent to keep the peace. Your dh needs to back you up!

4 months old is far, far too young to be away from you for more than an hour or two on a regular basis, and extra definitely too young to be an hour's drive away from you. How old was the baby when this started? It sounds like it's been more than a week.

Help should always be given with the aim of benefiting the person you're helping, and if she's giving you anxiety and causing the baby to be sick regularly, then it isn't helping.

I feel you. My MIL is similar in a lot of ways.

We put a lot of time and thought into choosing our car seat, and when baby was three months old, MIL turned up with a new car seat and told us that she felt he had “grown out” of our car seat and bought a new one. I was fuming, she’s barely even seen him in his car seat, I felt it was a weird control thing. The one she bought is currently in our shed, I have no intention of changing it over.
We dress our baby in cute clothes, pastels colours, teddies, dinosaurs, sailboats etc. She keeps buying things like DKNY and Adidas tracksuits in black and navy. I could write a million other things on a similar vein she’s done, but could be here all day!

I have to say though, where I’m lucky is, my boyfriend is on my side. He was the one who slung her car seat in the shed, and he is the one who tells her we like cute clothes for the baby and he can wear black DKNY tracksuits if he wants when he’s a teenager. Your partner sounds pretty terrible to be honest!

OP I can hear that you’re in a difficult situation and doing your best to keep the peace. But please remember that your DD is entirely dependent on her parents to keep her safe and well looked after. Your MIL is an adult. Ten hours IS too long to be apart at four months, that’s why it feels wrong to you. Please don’t protect your MIL or DH at the expense of your baby. Stand up for your DD.

Reflecting on the past few months while writing this post there’s been a number of things that haven’t felt quite ‘right’ but didn’t seem big enough to bring up.

Every time she comes over she immediately takes dd out of my arms and then proceeds to hold her the entire time she’s here. That could be 4/5 hours. I’ll make a bottle and just pass it to her because I’m aware she’s not going to give her back. Likewise she’ll change her. I’ve tried to see it as her wanting to spend as much time with her as possible but I’ve never much liked having dd taken without asking.

The other thing is when dp comes home or she’s leaving she’ll pass dd to dp, never me. Usually with the comment supposedly from dd of, ‘where have you been? I was bored without you’. Geee thanks! Clearly I’m not entertaining enough for dd!

Is your DP your MIL’s only child? Does she only have sons?

It sounds as though she is treating your DD like a daughter she longed for but never had. She’s erasing her identity as your baby and is doing everything her way/dressing her in clothes she has chosen to live her fantasy that it is her child.

This would make me feel uneasy too.

Is she just an over-enthusiastic grandma, is she very domineering or is she slightly unhinged?

She’s definitely overstepping boundaries, and your DP should have a stern word with her.

YANBU.

Your baby. Not a toy. Please stand up for yourself against this bat shit woman.

If your partner can’t/won’t advocate for yourself and your daughter you’re going to have to do it. It’s not in the interests of your daughter to be taken from you when you don’t need/want that to happen, or to be with someone who hasn’t offered reassurance that she will comply with your routine, wishes, requirements for safety etc. It’s time to get firm. Tell her you’re happy to spend that day with her visiting your dd, if you feel comfortable with that, and your partner is welcome to go out if he needs a break from the limited amount of support he provides, but you won’t be missing any more precious time with your quickly growing baby. If you are spending time with her you also need to get assertive. If she tries to take the baby just say I’ll pass her over when me and her are both ready thanks, then do so in a couple of minutes.

How long is the journey from your house to your MIL’s house?
isn’t there recommendations that a young baby is only allowed to be in a car seat for a specific length of time?

when I used to look after my grandchildren I had clothes, shoes, nappies, pushchair and car seats her for them, purely for the reason that my daughter didn’t have to bring half her house over to me every time I had them 🤣 The clothes I used to send them home in, my daughter would return them in the next time they came