I told my family that I refuse to make more than two meals at our weekly family dinner...AIBU?

[waterbottle1988]

DH and I moved into our new house about 4 months ago now. We have 2 DC. For about 10 years now my extended family has all had dinner together almost every Sunday. My DM and DF have hosted for the past 10 years. But when I moved into my new house, we invited everybody over for dinner and we realised that there there was a lot more space at my house for the weekly family dinner. So my DM asked if I could start hosting the family dinner every week. I agreed.

In my family one person is vegan, one person is vegetarian, multiple people have cut out certain foods (no medical reason, they just are on a diet). 5 of my nieces and nephews are picky eaters but they will still eat a decent range of foods. 2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue. Then everybody else likes a wide variety of food.

So every Sunday me and my husband end up cooking multiple different meals. The main meal mostly everybody loves, a vegan version of that meal, multiple dishes for some of my adult family members who are on certain diets, a completely separate meal for my nieces and nephews who are picky eaters and another completely separate meal for my nephews with autism. Hosting has become so difficult, and I am also a mum of 2, my kids are 7 and 3. I am starting to dread Sunday's now.

So yesterday I sent a text to my family. I said: "Hi everybody, I can't wait to see you all on Sunday. I just thought I should let you all know that me and DH have decided to only make two meals this Sunday. Shepherds pie and a vegan Shepherds pie. Unfortunately I have started to find Sunday's very stressful because I end up cooking multiple different meals all day long. You are free to bring your own food, that is perfectly fine. But from now on, I am only cooking the main meal and a vegan version of that meal. This is nothing personal, and I am not angry at anybody, but I am just trying to decrease my own stress level."

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences. My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

AIBU?

Which was absolutely my original point. The family need to step up for ALL the food to support OP. Take it in turns to take on the host role (even if at her home.)

It is not always possible to pre-cook ND food. Especially with ARFID. Trust me, the parents will have pre-thought/ prepared everything. However, I would never make my nephews feel excluded or allow my siblings to make my children feel excluded, just because it’s inconvenient.

I suggest you remind your mother that she wasnt doing it with a full time job and two primary aged kids.

That's fair if they don't like it bring their own or dont come.

I think YABVU to even offer 2 choices. Fuck that. I’d just go with a meat roast and the vegans, vegetarians, allergy sufferer’s and fussy Bertie’s can byo their own food.

Why is veggie mince in a shepherds pie not catering for veggies and vegans???

On the nephews it would depend on their safe foods.

If it was eg plain pasta then that would be easy to knock up, add a ready made sauce and some grated cheese for the other DC.

My family has my sister who is vegan, my mum who can't have dairy or meat but is ok with fish and eggs. My daughter has multiple food allergies including dairy, egg and fish, as well as being borderline ARFID only having "whole" foods and nothing beige, my other sister has to have low fat diet and I have a weird intolerance. My dad has a "traditional" diet
We do one main meal we small alterations - usually a roast or meat and veg options as it's the easiest with my daughters allergies and my dad's preference (as he's the cook usually!), my sister makes something vegan for her and my mum. There is a collection of potatoes - mash and roasted, and variety of veg and we serve up our own veg of preference. The only time that many meal that we do multiple meals is starters at big occasions such as Christmas day.
I always make a pudding which is suitable for everyone.

I’d suggest a “bring a plate” dinner every week where people bring something different and everyone gets to share. That way the pressure is off for you to be cooking all day every week and everyone gets some food that suits them!

I would change to either 'bring a plate' style, or find a meal that caters to everyone all at once. It's too much to expect to cater to so many differences individually.

You host on your terms! Or give the job to someone else ! You don't HAVE to accommodate everyone's food preferences . You aren't a cafe! I agree with your text message very nicely worded! Seriously why would anyone want to cook various meals! Sounds a test if resilience not a family gathering! Don't relent! Stick to your terms!

And now OP is making 3 meals. Or maybe 4, if both nephews won’t eat the same thing. OP has said what the nephews will eat is not something most would view as a pleasurAble meal- if my autistic nephew is anything to go by (whilst acknowledging that he might not be), this is either bland or beige foods, or where everything is able to be kept very “apart”- so, something like chicken nuggets and chips, sometimes with a portion of peas/carrots or something on the side on a good day. So, if she did their food and then something else for everyone else, the vegetarians and vegan(s) would be up in arms about not being catered to, unless every meal was a vegan one.

Quite rightly, OP has said that if someone wants something specific or does not like what she is making, they can bring their own with them. Given she is catering most Sundays, I don’t think it is unreasonable to limit what she does and allow others to bring something if it suits them better. Or perhaps someone else can host? Someone who is delighted to cook 7-10 different meals every Sunday…. Is they did it at mum’s for 10 years, I bet they could manage there again. Or, at a push, all squash in to someone else’s house, or take it in turns.

You are not a restaurant. If multiple people want personal dishes making, then they can dine out rather than expecting you to provide this time after time after time. They all sit about while you cook like mad. It sems pretty selfish and thankless of them, OP.

Nah, it was your fussy eating “don’t serve me veggie mince shock horror” that I pulled you up on. Which you knew.

If a mum wants to do that for her niw adult chikdren and tbeir families as a way to show her love that's great, but a sibling isn't obligated to do that - especially every single Sunday. I coukd see doing it if Sundays rotated among everyone, or if OP provided her home and everyone took turns bringing the food. But, really, isn't it much nicer when everyone contributes fairly and shares the load?

Make the dinner a pot luck

This is mad, you've been much too accommodating as it stands.

I haven't read everyone's replies but rather than bringing desert, wouldn't it be better if people brought dishes for the main meal, so that it's a joint effort? Desert can always be bought or very easy. Your text read like you were saying you'd cook for some people but not others, but it sounds like it needs to be more of a shared effort all round

With the numbers the OP is dealing with, 15 I think, if I've counted correctly, this would be a nightmare.

At least the OP gets to eat something she likes for her time and effort.

She's doing it only because she has the space, I thought, and enjoys everyone being together.

Your mother did not have two little children. Suggest going forward that everyone brings a dish. Lots less stressful and folks can bring what they'd prefer to eat

I would possibly consider meals thst you put together yourself (fajitas type stuff) to allow for fussiness. What you are saying is fine too though . If people are super keen they can divide up extra bits and bring sides/starters to share.

Make it pot luck style- instead of money contributions everyone brings a pre agreed dish and rotate. This way everyone contributes equally

No you are not being unreasonable- your Mother making multiple meals was her choice- there is no reason why you should make the same choice. tell your Mother it is not impolite not to make a different meal for everyone you host- and that she is welcome to take hosting duties back if she thinks everyone should have an individual meal.

If your DM wants to do that let her go back to doing multiple meals. At her house.

How many people come each week?