I told my family that I refuse to make more than two meals at our weekly family dinner...AIBU?

[waterbottle1988]

DH and I moved into our new house about 4 months ago now. We have 2 DC. For about 10 years now my extended family has all had dinner together almost every Sunday. My DM and DF have hosted for the past 10 years. But when I moved into my new house, we invited everybody over for dinner and we realised that there there was a lot more space at my house for the weekly family dinner. So my DM asked if I could start hosting the family dinner every week. I agreed.

In my family one person is vegan, one person is vegetarian, multiple people have cut out certain foods (no medical reason, they just are on a diet). 5 of my nieces and nephews are picky eaters but they will still eat a decent range of foods. 2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue. Then everybody else likes a wide variety of food.

So every Sunday me and my husband end up cooking multiple different meals. The main meal mostly everybody loves, a vegan version of that meal, multiple dishes for some of my adult family members who are on certain diets, a completely separate meal for my nieces and nephews who are picky eaters and another completely separate meal for my nephews with autism. Hosting has become so difficult, and I am also a mum of 2, my kids are 7 and 3. I am starting to dread Sunday's now.

So yesterday I sent a text to my family. I said: "Hi everybody, I can't wait to see you all on Sunday. I just thought I should let you all know that me and DH have decided to only make two meals this Sunday. Shepherds pie and a vegan Shepherds pie. Unfortunately I have started to find Sunday's very stressful because I end up cooking multiple different meals all day long. You are free to bring your own food, that is perfectly fine. But from now on, I am only cooking the main meal and a vegan version of that meal. This is nothing personal, and I am not angry at anybody, but I am just trying to decrease my own stress level."

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences. My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

AIBU?

Sorry I clicked on unreasonable by mistake. You are not being unreasonable. I would do the same x

Suggest she still cooks and bring the food to yours.

Also - if you let go of the need for her approval it gets much easier. “Yes Mum, I’m a rotten host. So what?”

Sod that for a game of soldiers! It’s bonkers. Make it once a month down the pub (that’d be too much for me tbh but it might be a compromise for you)

I"d tell mum that she might have coped and now you've tried you thoroughly admire her for it but you're struggling and how about her continuing to host the event but at your house. She can give you the order for food to get in and she can come to run it as before but you'll clean up afterwards (or something along those lines......)

That’s insane, you’re spending 52 days a year in the kitchen cooking as if it’s Christmas! Of course YANBU! I think a good conversation over Sunday night dinner is in order. Hosting is fine, but cooking could be done in rotation if the plan you suggested isn’t to everyone’s liking. (I have complete sympathy for everyone who’s ND and/or has medical needs. But picky eaters … honestly I would have thrown in the towel ages ago just because of them!)

YANBU. Stop hosting if it gets too hard.

It’s really lovely you all do Sunday lunch together, but you are not obliged to cater to 8 different dietary preferences!

Why not turn it in to a weekly family buffet where everyone brings something?

Just do it and it will become the new normal. They can bring their own food for the fussy eaters. Or, if that’s too controversial in the family, make the meet once a month with all catered for. It’s way too much planning and cooking for you otherwise.

Start a new potluck buffet tradition?

’This week’s curry - I’m making lamb jalfrezi for the carnivores, dahl which will be vegan & I’ll do loads of rice - everyone add a comment with what they’re bringing. Salads would be great or whatever you’d like to eat’

Next week, you do lasagne with a vegan alternative . & so on.

Obviously only if you LIKE cooking & hosting.

If not, I’d just say that you have too much else on & can’t commit to weekly, shall we set up a rota & do different houses?

Every family does once every 3-6 weeks, depending on how huge your family is. Start with those with less space whilst the weather’s nice enough for a garden buffet…

Which won’t happen, so you’ll be off the hook.

Sounds like you can cover everyone with two dishes of shepherds except nephews with autism.

Any chance you can pre prep their safe meals and have them in freezer so you can just reheat?

It sounds like a lot of work for something that happens weekly.

I do think it’s complex but seems a bit harsh to not accommodate things like autism as it’s not a preference/ choice, but can also see the list of things to accommodate grows if you consider everyone.

Unsure what the other dietary restrictions are but surely they can choose to eat parts of the meal that work for them if you have a meat and vegan option.

Can’t you host at your house, but each week an assigned person/ family unit does the planning/cooking on a rota basis. That way it’s not a weekly occurrence for anyone. There could then also be a clean up rota too.

Then the bigger space is utilised but it doesn’t all fall to you.

But ultimately, I don’t think it’s unreasonable what you’ve messaged. I just think depending on personalities it could lead to reduced attendance

It could all get very costly too maybe a small contribution I often do a traditional dinner and people have different likes and so I do a variety of meats a veg option and a ton of veg toasties Yorkshire puds and put it all on the table for them to take what they like hope that helps any meat left over goes into a curry which in you case could go forward another Sunday dinner same with veg left over freeze and then barely any prep for the next gathering XX good luck

You do this EVERY week!

Once a month would be a generous amount of hosting. Every week is just too much IMO

Out of curiosity what happens when you're on holiday? Does someone else host or do they miss a week?

How old are your DC?
What happens if they start playing a sport or practising a hobby on a Sunday?

No way would I do this every week

My Autistic children have a very limited diet but neither have ARFID as confirmed by their doctors. So I don’t see how that poster can be so sure.

What about you siblings???

Why should the burden of family sunday food fall to you?

It should rotate between everyone and you can host by all means, but everyone needs to share the load and stress of cooking.

Why are you on the only one cooking.

Your DM is not fair to you at all. You are not the other children's mother.

She is their mother, that's why she cooked. You shouldn't be taking on the parental role of cooking for everyone. She is not being fair to you at all.

I would push back and say all siblings need to take a turn. They're welcome to be hosted at mine. But I am a mother now, I need time with my family, not just cooking for everyone else's families.

Be kind when you say it but explain you are not the family's Mum. That is her role and she offered to do it. But you haven't offered to do it, is has fallen to you - unfairly. It takes up most of your Sunday.

You could rotate between your siblings and go back to having it once a month at your DM's and all the sibs cook their own stuff that time, including you, to give your DM a break. She's done it for 10y. It's time for her childrne to take over. ALL of her children, not just you.

I think you should switch to a buffet style meal and every family brings a contribution towards the feast. I hope you're not paying for everything as well as cooking it, the others should be chipping in towards the cost...

if people don't like/approve of the way you want to do it to make it less stressful, they could offer to host themselves? Your MIL isn't hosting now so it's your house and your rules!

I couldn’t think of anything worse than having to go for an extended family meal every single Sunday!

My children have similar needs to your nephews, I always offer to bring their food along to any family gatherings.

Definitely not being unreasonable! I have an autistic child and 2 others who are fussy eaters. I hate going to family dinners and people feeling like they have to accommodate them, I would be more than happy to be told we are having x for dinner, feel free to bring an alternative. Then I could decide if my kids would eat what's on offer and if not bring something my self. I really can't see how any parent would be unhappy with this.

I’d also be offering to do that one Sunday of the month only.

Hi @waterbottle1988 .

I haven't RTFT, just all your posts.

I think it's completely reasonable to offer 2 choices. Anyone not happy with them can bring their own.

Your mum chose to cater for the huge variety of wishes, but you do not, and that is completely reasonable. You are not a restaurant, and you have other demands on your time.

Personally, I wouldn't be doing it every/most weeks either, although you said you do enjoy it.

I would mix it up a bit too - one week do a grazing board - cheeses, cold cuts, olives, salad etc with lovely bread.

Another week maybe do an afternoon tea - everyone can help make sandwiches, cakes, scones etc (or just go to M&S).

Another week a bbq ...

Tapas ...

Lots of possibilities...

PS: how many adults/children are you catering for?!

You're not a restaurant OP.

I don't really understand why asking everyone to bring something isn't better all round? That way people can be sure to have something they really like and you're not expected to serve everyone else's needs but not your need for any time for yourself or your children on a Sunday.

The current situation is incredibly lopsided and unfair.

Yes, completely unreasonable to go to a family meal and hope for your neurodivergent children to eat…

It says a lot when even their own family can’t be bothered to make reasonable adjustments to include them.

I understand the OPs predicament but this isn’t the answer.

But surely their own family (i.e their parents who have the best understanding of their needs) should be doing this in this situation when OP is already catering for a houseful.

It would be different if it were only the family with the neurodivergent child coming to dinner and in that case I'm sure OP would accommodate, but she can't accommodate everyone in this situation without effectively being everyone else's servant. It's absolutely disrespectful to expect this and there is no good reason these people who presumably all cater for themselves / their children all week are treating her like a servant and not helping out at all by bringing their own food.

My mum used to do family Saturday every week, it was basically open house and everyone in the family would drop by for lunch, some would stick around for dinner. It was buffet style every week and each family would bring something for the table. It was generally all simple foods like sliced and buttered baguette, chicken drumsticks, sausages, jacket potatoes, coleslaw, potato salad, a big green salad, pork pie, scotch eggs, pasta salads, range of pickled things, crisps…. Enough of a range that everyone could find something they liked but nothing took much prep. The most important part though was that everyone bought something. Mum provided the table, the space and some of the food but everyone contributed to the meal.