To tell people we're still renting when we bought outright.

[TheChosen]

DH and I recently moved house. Our previous house was a rental and we lived there for almost a decade. The old house was a small 2 bed flat where we lived with our 2DC.

The old rent was way below market rate as we had lived there for so long. We sacrificed living and outdoor space a little longer than we probably should have for the financial security and to allow us to build our savings. The smaller home/outgoings also allowed me to cut my hours to part time while the children were younger so we were happy to make the sacrifices as the benefits outweighed the cons.

Our local area is mostly made up of large new build houses that cost above average for the city we live in. All of our acquaintances and friends have much larger homes than us, and were often surprised when they discovered we lived in such a small, modest flat. Especially as we both have 'good' careers.

We have a combined income of approx 80-95k (depending on bonuses) and have managed to save a good chunk for a house deposit. The market has been terrible for a while and we haven't found anything we like, so decided to also look for bigger rentals to give us a little more space while we house hunt.

A 3 bed rental came up locally and we went for it. After a month of living there, the landlord had some major family issues and notified us they would need to sell unexpectedly. We still hadn't found a place to buy that we liked, then the landlord made us a great offer to buy our current place.

The cost of the house was less than our saved deposit so we decided to make a cash offer and buy the place mortgage free. The deal is finally complete and we are really happy here.

Here's the AIBU. Anytime someone finds out we've moved, the first question they ask is if we are still renting or have bought. I don't know why, but it's really bugging me. Never would it cross my mind to ask someone their renting/home owner status. I'm finding it very intrusive.

Would they still be asking this question if we had previously lived in a similar home to theirs? Do they see us being 'beneath' them for being renters rather than owners?

The first few times I was asked I simply changed the subject and didn't answer, but it keeps happening. These people aren't even close friends, just local acquaintances.

I've eventually started telling them we are still renting as I feel telling them we bought outright would open the door to even more uncomfortable questions.

Is it me, or is it intrusive of people to ask someone (that they don't know very well) this?

My real friends haven't once asked my rental/owner status. Why do random people seem to think they have a right to this knowledge?

AIBU to find this question intrusive and unnecessary?

Yes, I think you can - I am sure it lists charges on the register, whether that is by mortgage or other arrangements. It costs to check it out (title deeds, charges etc.) but it is not much via Land Registry. Definitely less than £10 I only know this because I had a charge on my mother's house, and it was there for all to see if they wanted to look. This is a while ago, and things may have changed.

absolutely I’d ask about renting or buying when a friend moves house, and have been asked many times when we’ve moved as well. It’s a big life goal for many people and the housing market is a moderately common topic of conversation.

I’m in perhaps the opposite situation from you where people tend to assume we have more money than we do (good jobs so people guess high income, but we haven’t been good at saving or investing tbh) so get surprised reactions that we still rent. Hey ho, I don’t feel the need to explain any further, and I don’t find either situation something to be ashamed of.

Did you never mention to any of these people that you were looking for a house to buy? Because if I knew someone was renting and then had been looking for somewhere to buy, but had been struggling to find somewhere they liked, I would potentially ask if they had bought or were still renting because it was part of the ongoing conversation.

Edited because I reread the OP and decided I need to go to bed!! But it still sounds like these are people that knew you were renting so it has obviously been a topic of conversation at some point.

You overthinking it completely. It's just small talk.

It sounds like a sense you are getting from the people that they are asking solely in order to measure you up. It would bother me, too.

You can answer in any way that makes you feel comfortable.

Yes, I’d ask as then you know what you can/csn’t talk about in the future. For instance there’s no point discussing kitchen renovations, landscaping ideas, or giving people contact details for a flooring service that you found was brilliant or moaning about how useless your conveyancer was and how they found theirs, if they are renting. Then you’d get someone charging into Mumsnet at break speed to complain that friends were being insensitive talking about any of that because they are renting.

It's one of those things that is usually small talk but sometimes people being nosy. I couldn't care less about whether people buy or rent but I will sometimes ask if people own their houses if I need recommendations for a plumber or something.

!I don't mind you asking impertinent personal questions so long as you don't mind my not answering them."

Delivered in a "teacher"voice as though I was speaking to a naughty child.

I find that a great conversation stopper.

I would never ask if someone rents/owns but I would tell people voluntarily in conversation about my own situation, and I would also find it somewhat rude if they did ask (unless it was for a reason, it just seems nosey). I wouldn’t lie about it though, but I get why it rubs you the wrong way.

Good way to make sure noone bothers to chat to you ever again, too

I dont feel that narcissistic about it people ask questions because that is what people do it is small talk i dont think that deeply about them nor they think that deeply about me

Well you're here online, happily telling strangers all the details of you buying your house without a mortgage, so the idea that you find this sort of thing terribly "intrusive" doesn't really convince.

She's not telling us her name and address fgs. Do you understand how an anonymous chat forum for advice and opinions works?

I'm wondering if perhaps you felt a bit self conscious about being the only ones that were renting, but defensive of that position? So perhaps the reason that you find the question offensive now is that it feels to you that it comes with inherent judgement of the fact that you werre renting previously?

People are just making conversation. I might well ask similar in passing, e.g. if I knew you had been looking and wondered whether if you were still on the hunt for somewhere/were going to have the inconcenience of a subsequent move. I wouldn't be trying to scope out or judge your financial position.

It’s small talk. Do you feel judged by people? Do you feel you were looked down on for renting?

If they were being nosy they could just buy the title deeds for less than a tenner and they’d know you own it mortgage free (as no charge would show). But I doubt they really care , they are just making small talk.

Yes we bought it, I’m so excited/am nervous to decorate, any tips? Would change the flow of questions.

What is your real concern? Being judged for buying cash? Being thought of as being wealthy as you could buy cash? Did you buy the house is a pretty normal question and it can direct the flow of the conversation. No point talking about decorating or carpet fitters if you rent. If you own someone might then say ‘how is the decorating going? Did it need much doing? Maybe trying to build up more friendship or just general chat.

A true nosy one would check land reg and wonder why you lied!

It's not always just small talk. People can be very nosy, judgemental and/or overbearing about these things, and some people get almost obsessive about property prices.
I was fairly relaxed about answering questions about my new home, and that seemed to encourage people I hadn't known for long (especially other owners) to say:
"How much did you pay for it, if you don't mind me asking",
"your bookcases annoy me",
"your mirror annoys me" and
"It's not very aesthetically pleasing, is it".
So, I don't think you're necessarily overthinking it, and you're right to keep your guard up.

Like others have said, no point lying about renting, if you say you bought it, people will assume you have a mortgage.

The amount you paid will be on Zoopla etc so nosy people can look at that although most won't go to the extent of looking at the Land Registry information because you have to pay and they fear that you'll be notified or there will be a record that they've accessed it.

Not sure why you think inviting the whole world to share her concerns keeps them "private" as long we don't know her personally, when her complaint about the "intrusive" people is that "they're not even close friends."

It’s easy to say to not go into specifics, but when someone has already asked an intrusive question they are likely to ask another, so the questions never end.

I think it’s a fairly standard question to be honest. I’m more surprised that you say your real friends haven’t asked. I can’t imagine being that uninterested in a friend that i didn’t ask or that it didn’t come up in a conversation.

If I’d been in your position I’d have been whatsapping my friends saying “omg, the landlord has offered to sell to us “ and it would just be a conversation.

I do think you’re over thinking it and I wonder why you’d think people would look down on you if they thought you were renting. I wouldn’t. But also why if you think this you don’t say you’ve bought. I agree no need to say you e bought it outright.

I think you’ll know people’s intentions better OP, because you know what they are like generally.

Having said that: in my circle it would come up, because very soon the chat would move to renovation etc which is obviously different in an owned property.

And among my closest friends we know exactly who is doing what financially. There are currently four of us moving/looking to move for various reasons and I could tell you who is buying or renting, what offers they have put in on which properties at what amount, how they are financing their moves and so on. It’s an ordinary topic of conversation.

Yes, it might make some kind of far-fetched sense if there was any sound reason at all to conceal the fact that she owns her home without a mortgage, but there isn't.

Her post seems to me to be a simple variant of the "humblebrag".

"How can I brag to all and sundry about owning my own home outright, without it seeming like a brag? I know, I'll claim that far from wanting to brag about it, other people even knowing about it is something that deeply pains me..."

I think realistically this isnt that weird of them...its small talk.
You reality is its weird to be in rented with high salaries and kids in the uk.
But I get you want to be private

We had the opposite
When people came to my new house it was like "YOU live HERE? YOU????"
"Did your parents give you money? Did his?" "How do you afford this????"

I wasnt going to give them a rundown of our finances.... but I found it very rude/ annoying just say "What a lovely home! Are you enjoying living here?"
We've been here 5 yes so the chat was mostly yr 1

Im fairly indifferent to what others think though

You're being unreasonable and weird.

In what world is asking someone if they're still renting or if they've bought an 'intrusive' question? And why would you feel the need to tell them (or deliberately not tell them) that you don't have a mortgage? I imagine these people are just making polite conversation, and don't really give a shit.

Just say "Why do you want to know? "