To tell people we're still renting when we bought outright.

[TheChosen]

DH and I recently moved house. Our previous house was a rental and we lived there for almost a decade. The old house was a small 2 bed flat where we lived with our 2DC.

The old rent was way below market rate as we had lived there for so long. We sacrificed living and outdoor space a little longer than we probably should have for the financial security and to allow us to build our savings. The smaller home/outgoings also allowed me to cut my hours to part time while the children were younger so we were happy to make the sacrifices as the benefits outweighed the cons.

Our local area is mostly made up of large new build houses that cost above average for the city we live in. All of our acquaintances and friends have much larger homes than us, and were often surprised when they discovered we lived in such a small, modest flat. Especially as we both have 'good' careers.

We have a combined income of approx 80-95k (depending on bonuses) and have managed to save a good chunk for a house deposit. The market has been terrible for a while and we haven't found anything we like, so decided to also look for bigger rentals to give us a little more space while we house hunt.

A 3 bed rental came up locally and we went for it. After a month of living there, the landlord had some major family issues and notified us they would need to sell unexpectedly. We still hadn't found a place to buy that we liked, then the landlord made us a great offer to buy our current place.

The cost of the house was less than our saved deposit so we decided to make a cash offer and buy the place mortgage free. The deal is finally complete and we are really happy here.

Here's the AIBU. Anytime someone finds out we've moved, the first question they ask is if we are still renting or have bought. I don't know why, but it's really bugging me. Never would it cross my mind to ask someone their renting/home owner status. I'm finding it very intrusive.

Would they still be asking this question if we had previously lived in a similar home to theirs? Do they see us being 'beneath' them for being renters rather than owners?

The first few times I was asked I simply changed the subject and didn't answer, but it keeps happening. These people aren't even close friends, just local acquaintances.

I've eventually started telling them we are still renting as I feel telling them we bought outright would open the door to even more uncomfortable questions.

Is it me, or is it intrusive of people to ask someone (that they don't know very well) this?

My real friends haven't once asked my rental/owner status. Why do random people seem to think they have a right to this knowledge?

AIBU to find this question intrusive and unnecessary?

The ex and I bought our council house, but split after a couple of years. I stayed in the house to sell it. When the estate agent’s Sold sign went up in the garden someone came along and was very put out that I hadn’t told her that we had bought it. There’s some very odd people about, and she was just someone we would say hello to if we passed in the street.

‘We bought it’. You do not need to elaborate that you bought it outright.

Having rented for most of my life, moving many times, I'd have been a bit confused if people kept congratulating me. Not because renting is lesser, but moving almost never felt like a goal or milestone, just something I had to do. Whereas buying is often something people look forward to for a long time.

Being able to buy a house find the deposit get the mortgage approved is an achievement. These are tough times it shouldn’t be a secret.

What a ridiculous thing to lie about 😂 you sound quite immature, and I dislike liars in general, so my vote is that you are being unreasonable.

Could easily just say you bought one, without having to tell anyone that you bought outright.

Congratulations for moving?? Is that a thing?
Congratulations for buying a house- sure. Perhaps that's why they were asking!

Sorry, but no. I wouldn't congratulate someone that moved home. I would congratulate someone buying their first home. If they then went to move again I still wouldn't congratulate them.

Buying a home IS an achievement. Moving your belongings from one place to another, isn't.

That’s exactly the point - The OP isn’t interested in being judged by these people one way or another.

Who is judging though? And what is there to judge about a couple buying a home?

Well I guess you've made up your mind. I think the majority of us think you're interpretation is quite strange, and to me, that would be an extremely rude reply, so you'd get your wish of being left alone because I'd take pains to avoid you in future. I wouldn't see myself asking someone I barely knew if they were renting or had bought, but I would probably say, how exciting! if I knew someone had just bought.

And for what it's worth, when we moved to London we rented for 9 years in one place and then 6 years in another before buying our house (with cash). Although I never felt judged for renting, I would have found it truly bizarre if we'd been congratulated for it. I also don't recall being congratulated when we bought, although people seemed quite excited for us. But then, I snapped a photo of the sold sign and sent it to some friends. I thought their excitement was nice, but you seem determined to put a negative spin on things, so maybe that's a you thing?

Also, the level of detail in your OP seems very AI written...

Why should it not be if the buyer wants it to be?

The OP has described feeling judged because she’s rented and not owned in the past. Now she feels these people are only asking in order to judge her financial situation further.

She doesn’t want to provide them with any assistance doing so, even if answering would mean they judge her positively.

Would you ask someone that lost weight if they did it through exercise or ozempic? It comes across like that.

You wrote that with such confidence I actually had to read the ops posts again. She didn’t say that, she said are they judging.

if anything this reads to me like the op has a chip on her shoulder for renting a small property for so long with her friends in much bigger places, she asks were they judging her, not they were

to be honest, it’s a fairly standard question and small talk but the op is hugely sensitive about it, and the fact the house cost less than the deposit says it maybe something about rhe property she doesn’t want to admit she’s bought it, as she thinks she will be judged for doing so.

let’s face it, most people on buying their first home want to shout it from the rooftops. Not pretend they don’t own it.

I don't actually think she has said she felt judged in the past, only that people have remarked that they seemed to live beneath their means. She is worried that people are judging her financial situation now. (And I and others are pointing out that it's probably innocent conversation). The feeling of being judged could simply be projection.

I think the question is prompted less by an interest in the money side of it (though there could be an element of that) and more by the idea that home ownership is perceived as a milestone moment in people's lives - they are settled and all the uncertainties of renting are behind them.

So this is the main thing I would hear and understand if you told me you owned your home

@TheChosen said a number of things leading me to the conclusion that she doesn’t not want to be judged including:

“I do potentially feel that they are judging our 'status' as why else would they NEED to know. There are very few rental properties locally so majority of people know who the renters are in our small area.

I said previously that it's the way they are asking more than what they are asking that bothers me. They way they are asking is coming across as smug.”

It’s splitting hairs but if she says I’ve misread the situation, I’ll certainly agree.

You can obviously tell people what you want but I'll never understand why people choose to lie for no real reason.
Whats the shame (either way) of either buying or renting? It's a completely normal question IMO, especially if people are currently navigating the housing market themselves. Although I understand some people are a lot more secretive about their lives, I think that question is a way off being considered personal (it's not like they've asked what your salary is).

The truth is always the default for me, because if you happened to mention anything related to home improvements to that person in future, you would very easily be caught out lying, then you'll quickly earn a reputation of a untrustworthy person.

I think it is a very rude question, no ones business but your own. I would never ask anyone that - even a close friend. Nosey buggers.

Think it's a pretty standard question when someone moves house. Just making small talk.

Firstly congratulations on buying your first home. You have done extremely well not to have suffered the usual rigmorale of dealing with agents, checking out properties, gazumping etc etc. and you even got to try before purchasing. I hope you'll be very happy there. Yes a lot of us are nosey and nowadays so much information is open to anyone to look at online, completely different from the past. Your neighbours and acquaintances may always be checking the market to see how their property relates to the market so a new thing that most people were not aware of in the past. Best just to let them know that you own it and hope that'll stop their queries. You can let them know you don't really like to discuss your affairs if they get more inquisitive. Perhaps say something about designing the garden or house, to tangent the chat.

It’s a normal question. I think you’re making it weird by not answering it. Saying you own is fine - how else would you? When we bought our home I never thought to say ‘we mortgaged it’… so when someone asks you the question do you just sit in silence / change the subject? If I was them I’d think you bloody killed the owners and moved in or something

People ask this because its so much harder than it used to be to get on the property ladder/become home owners. Therefore it's seen as a bit of an achievement. They just want to congratulate you if you've bought it/commiserate with you if you're still stuck paying rent to a landlord. It's human nature to be curious, why so paranoid

Surely it's usual to say good luck in your new home , regardless of whether they've bought or rented .

I don’t think it’s strange to congratulate someone on buying a house especially these days. It’s not about looking down on renters but buying for a lot of people is an achievement. It’s expensive, it usually takes a long time to save for a deposit, it can be incredibly stressful and takes months if you’re in a chain.

Renting is usually far less hassle to get set up, you go to an estate agent, visit the property pay the equivalent of a couple of months rent as a deposit and you can have the keys within a few days.

It’s a normal question where I live and to be honest it would make me more curious if someone was avoiding answering. Plus no one is going to ask you about decorating etc if your renting as where we live your not usually allowed to make any changes to rented properties. The conversation about home improvements usually follows when you know someone has bought it.

I get it op. The house I’m now in we bought when I was late 40s, my first non rented home.

I have experienced a lot of weirdness and comments to do with houses over the years. Always without fail a comment that I’m renting again not buying, at some points I was a lone parent in pt low paid work so of course I was renting. I have given and been sent new home cards always. As when I rented it’s still a change of address.

anyway in my family unless you buy a house you are treated like a second class citizen. So I finally did the thing they deemed correct and bought. I was then faced with more negativity. Some of it is as follows.

One sibling was angry with me that I didn’t tell them I was buying until we moved in, we had a house sale fall through before. That sibling has never visited my home and they have refused to even have a conversation with me about my home. They are now NC with me.

others decided now i have bought i don’t get sent new home cards or congratulations etc, no idea why and basically I’m not allowed to talk about my home to them ever.
others sent me new home cards for the first time ever as I had finally bought.
one of my parents decided they would never visit me plus have given unsolicited advice or feedback about anything to do with my home ever since. The most hurtful as it’s my mum, she’s not seen any of the changes I’ve made like decorating redoing the garden and so on.
and another so called friend has turned their back on me since 1 we bought a house then 2 we got engaged.

I’ve no idea what it’s all about. I live in a standard 3 bed semi that needed fixing and still does. Nothing extravagant. The only difference now is I don’t have to worry about a landlord kicking me out.

The one person who has been nice to me and very supportive over the years is my elderly next door neighbour. She’s seen via our little chats and my lack of visitors over the years (I’ve not had any now for over 4 years, that long I don’t even remember who it was or when) how hurt I am and so she’s shown interest here and there. Like a grandma would do so very lovely of her to care.