AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

Your family came to visit you in hospital? The whole troupe? What happened to our manners - I thought it was the norm to let a new mother recover for a few weeks before inflicting unnecessary people on her? How can people be so selfish? Poor you, you should not have had any visitors at all, apart from your dh, never mind hordes!

If this is real, then YABVVVU!

Your baby is also your DH’s baby. Your baby is just as much part of his family as they are yours. Why would you deny his family meeting their newest relative?

I hear that you don’t want to be away from your baby for any length of time but surely you can be in the same room as them when they meet the baby?

I would invite them over for tea and cake, and let grandparents spend time with the baby and then allow siblings over afterwards.

If you don’t, you are setting yourself up for a very difficult future with the in laws.

My DIL had a hard time pre eclampsia. Just wanted her mum we visited in the hospital after four days. The poor girl looked truly exhausted.

Was the same with other dil. Her family saw her ten days before we did.

It's not my baby so not my decision.

No she can’t ’rest all she needs’. If her in laws turn up at her house, there is still a vague expectation, she’ll get up, get dressed, brush her hair and make polite chit chat. That would have been huge effort for me 2 days PP.

I can understand this, but she is not just your baby, but equally your husband's baby and his parents are her grandparents every bit as much as your parents. Saying no to them was very unkind and it's not surprising they were hurt and reacted badly.

I think your in-laws are being very insensitive with some of their comments, however I can see where they are coming from. It was the first grandchild on both sides of our family when DD was born, I had 24hr labour that ended in EMCS and recovery was tough. But it never entered my head to restrict my in-laws from meeting the baby, I think that would have been very hurtful to them. Really I would consider letting them do a short visit.

Actually a lot of women do feel precisely like they've had a lobotomy. It's literally the most profound hormonal and physical change any women will ever go through (other than perhaps menopause). We do women such a disservice by expecting them just to "get on with it" after birth. I gave myself a mild case of PND after my second for precisely that reason- my expectations for myself were so high when really all I needed was bed and rest and my baby. Instead I sat on the sofa in an adult nappy and worried if we had enough milk or enough biscuits for those visiting and worried about my tummy and whether I looked fat and fought the exhaustion and the rolling emotions to keep up appearances.

Hmm yeah, and it's funny how the OP's family has been allowed to see the baby, but her husband's family are not allowed.

The husband's family seeing the baby, and the OP's family NOT seeing them was never going to happen was it?

Unsurprisingly over 80% of nearly 800 people (thus far) think YABU @hello1999

And maybe for their DIL’s sake too? You know, the woman who has just given birth? 🙄

You don’t need to be around your in laws.

Your husband can tell them that you’re exhausted and need rest.

So you can go in your bedroom for an hour and have a nap. Your husband can have his parents who are his close family to meet his child for that hour.

If you can’t agree to that then you’re being extremely unreasonable and unfair. Your in-laws are your baby’s grandparents just as much as your parents are.

Well I hope you had a daughter and not a son😢 yes it’s tough giving birth. But just look at your baby and think one day long ago my mil gave birth to him.

You’re getting advice, you just don’t like the advice you’re getting. People aren’t being harsh, they’re just not agreeing with your actions.

YANBU - their texts would make me want to wait longer than a week. A lot of MIL (not all) treat their DIL as an incubator. You’ve asked for them to wait a week, not a month. The mum who has recently given birth has priority over the dad who hasn’t done anything.

OP has got her parents staying for a fortnight so there's plenty of tea making resources on tap. And she's just had a nice meal with parents and siblings. Meanwhile the other grandparents and aunt have not even been allowed to meet the baby. That's quite shocking.

I haven't left this thread. I just don't really know how to respond to all the comments but I am reading all the responses and re-thinking a lot of things.

Definitely shouldn't have posted this when my hormones are all over the place though 🙃

Please don't do this childish knee jerk reaction.

My parents and parents in law all visited together. It was lovely. They all offered support. My mum had cancer so she couldn't do alot. My father in law did a trip to the supermarket. My dad pottered around making tea etc.

Of course she doesn't...she can stay in bed if thats where she feels comfortable and inlaws can come and meet baby in the bedroom if op doesn't want baby downstairs

Or stay in pyjamas and lay on settee. Dh can make all the chit chat he wants if op is too tired.

I wouldn't expect anything from op, other than not to ban close family from visiting for half an hour to meet their new grandchild/niece (or nephew)

Then here is a bit more harshness, you are being extremely selfish but then you know that

I think it’s pretty poor that you put siblings before MIL. And you even managed to have dinner with siblings but don’t let other grandparents even have 5 minutes with their new grandchild.

Of course she can rest in her own home. Don’t be so ridiculous.

OP’s husband can chit chat with his parents who want to meet their granddaughter.

I had a difficult birth and just wanted my own mum so I do understand what that feels like.
But I could not have banned in laws completely, instead I let them know when would be best to come round, and even asked them to leave once or twice when I needed them to go. That's much more reasonable than a blanket ban in my opinion.

You are being so unkind. Its not reasonable at all. Mothers of sons are not second class citizens .

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

OK OP I get that you're knackered and drained and don't want to write War and Peace. But how significant is this last sentence from your first post?

If you're saying you simply don't want to, I think that's unfair. If there's a history, if you have genuine reason to think that they will sit and hold the baby and not give her back, or expect to be waited on hand and foot by you 'cos - well you're the woman, innit?, the maybe you have a point. And I suspect from their texts (and the fact that your DH is supporting you) that the relationship isn't the best and perhaps they haven't been nice to you in the past.

Imagine the OP was a man.....