AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

You owe it to your baby to let her have a good relationship with her grandparents on both sides (assuming no previous problems with in-laws).

Why do something so hurtful and that might compromise that relationship? The poor mite is only 2 days’ old, and your in-laws are her close family.

How would you feel if your DH had banned your family for a week?

The majority of us here have given birth, and allowed family to meet our new babies. Stop blaming hormones. Unless there is some massive backstory about the inlaws being toxic, you are being horribly unreasonable, and I think you know it. I am actually aghast. Surely this isn't real!

Completely agree with this. The longer you make them wait, the bigger the issue is likely to become. It’s clearly stressing you out if you’ve felt the need to post on here, even though your husband says he supports your decision. You shouldn’t be spending these first precious days worrying about this. I know they’ve caused the issue as such but they are completely right. They absolutely should be able to meet her if your family have and I appreciate you’re feeling tired and exhausted and everything else that comes after giving birth but it’s not fair to have your siblings round for dinner and not let the in-laws come round.

Try to reframe it: your lovely new baby daughter has family who are desperate to meet her, and that’s a really lovely position to be in.

I’m a little surprised your mum and sister haven’t gently suggested letting them popping over for a short visit, especially as your parents are on hand for support

Perfect response! Exactly this.

OP, this could be you one day - a grandmother forbidden to see her grandchild. Very cruel.

also, they don’t want to see you. Only your AND YOUR HUSBAND’S baby. Let them. Remove yourself to another room if you don’t feel good enough or comfortable to be there for half an hour or so. 🙄

What? Imagine OP was a man and what? Gave birth??

What an odd post.

your not liking the replies because your in the wrong .. it’s your husband’s parents grandchild too , you are already sending out a clear sign that your parents are going to play a bigger role in your child’s life than your husband’s parents.

Congratulations on your baby OP!! I hope you are feeling a bit better now that you're home.

I completely get wanting to just find your feet a bit, especially if you've had any issues in hospital/c section etc. I think it was mean of your MIL and SIL to say that to you- I imagine it's come from a place of hurt, possibly after hearing that your family are with you, they might be feeling left out, obviously it doesn't excuse what they've said but I'm just trying to see where they're coming from. How is your relationship with them generally?

I think if it were me I'd send a text just saying that you're feeling quite "insert something here- overwhelmed/tired/sore/whatever" and so you had wanted to have a week to find your feet with it all and recover from the birth but if people wanted to comes they could pop in at X time until X time. Like others have mentioned- maybe just for 15 mins or so while you have a shower?

I noticed you mentioned not wanting to be apart from your baby- I remember feeling this with my eldest and youngest children. Some worrying is normal of course but please reach out and talk to someone if you find yourself very anxious about this, it's no fun worrying and it will do you the world of good to have an uninterrupted shower!

Obviously this was all a "what I would do" post and ultimately you've set your boundaries around visiting already. I just think letting your in laws pop over for a cuddle would go a long way in family peace keeping relations 😂❤️

And wasn't allowing the mother's parents to visit....

huh?

Serious plot twist

Ignore the posters who think you’re selfish. You’ve just asked for a few days. You haven’t banned them forever. You and baby come first, not your in laws.

They are being awful sending messages like that. Is this unusual behaviour for them? I do feel you’ll look back and feel you should’ve let them have a quick visit though.
I remember well the day after my eldest was born, my partner wanting his parents to visit in the hospital. I was exhausted after about an hours sleep. In loads of pain. The last thing I wanted was to see them, I cried and said could we not wait until we were home and he said he’d be really upset if he had to cancel them coming.
My Mum and brother had been and he wanted them to meet our son. I agreed and it was nowhere near as bad as I was thinking. It was actually nice to see how delighted they were with their first Grandchild. So I’m glad I let my partner have that experience. As others have said it’s just as much his baby.
Ignore the horrible posters and ignore the horrible messages your in laws sent. Get some sleep and things will seem better in a few days.

This is the first post that actually puts the wellbeing of mum & baby first. That shows love and consideration for the exhausted shell-shocked post-partum mum. Someone who has the manners to wait for an invitation.

Someone who is grown up enough to not yell "it's not fair, the other granny saw baby before me." like some petulant 5yo.

Who will probably be valued and trusted because they are considerate and thoughtful.

Why so bitchy to a new Mum FFS???

That makes no sense. A man can’t give birth. The context would be entirely different.

This thread is insane.

Surely for the sake of half an hour it will make a difference to your long term family future! The last thing you want is resentment starting so early !

She is the one being unreasonable, so not for her sake.

His family are equal relations to your baby. They should be treated the same. And if that means your husband hosting while you recuperate in another room, so be it.

Wow. And you’re calling me unpleasant? I think your post is maybe the worst I have ever read on here, and that’s saying something.

I actually care about family. It’s important. Those bonds matter for the grandparents, and they matter for the child and they matter for OP’s husband. You do not treat family like this, and if you do then you best never ask them for anything again because you’ve shown your colours. It is a disgusting way to treat the woman who gave birth to her husband. They aren’t no contact, they haven’t had some big drama or falling out. OP just doesn’t see them as people who matter quite as much as her own mum and dad, when it comes to their baby. And it is their baby - not just hers. That baby is also her husband’s. She says “my baby” and “my house” not “our baby” and “our house.”

You don’t treat family like this. You just don’t.

(and I left him, but I still invited his parents round, because I’m a thoroughly decent person actually so you can take your incredibly disgusting personal attacks elsewhere)

When I say my siblings came over for dinner. I mean we all sat on the sofa and ate a takeaway. I didn't mind my siblings seeing me the way I am freshly postpartum

I understand. I wouldn’t expect my son’s future wife to want me around her straight after birth. It’s a week, not a month. I think you’re being reasonable. You’ve just pushed something out of you for fucks sake. Personally my MIL was there early on, but she lived closer and was super supportive and present during my pregnancy which in turn made me feel more comfortable with her. She’d already seen me puking up a lung due to morning sickness so I felt fine with her being there - because she had already seen me at my worst.

Fuck what anyone says, it’s your choice. And you’re gonna want your mum at times like these, not someone else’s mum. It’s one week..

You’re kind, aren’t you?

They are not unreasonable to feel butt hurt by this, especially as your family are staying with you. You are not unreasonable to feel the way you do. I was the same, frankly. I didn't want visiting in-laws, with whom I already had quite a strained relationship, knocking about while I was weeping and bleeding and sleepless and trying to figure out breastfeeding which was frankly bloody awful for us at the beginning.

I think people often get caught up in the excitement of a shiny new family member and forget that the new mum has just been through something absolutely enormous and will be recovering for a while. Baby isn't gonna give a shiny shit who they meet when in the first few weeks and it will have no impact on their future relationships. I hope if I'm ever a MIL I can manage to remember how discombobulating those first few days at home with a newborn can be and can find the grace to be patient and prioritise the feelings of the new Mum, even if it stings me. I certainly won't be sending arsey messages directly to her, that's for sure, how incredibly selfish.

Congrats on your little squish OP, and be kind to yourself. The first few days are wild with hormones and sleep deprivation. You'll be ok.